Feature: Nintendo Characters Looking for Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
It's Dangerous to Go Alone. Take Me!
I've saved the world more often than you even realize. Not just this world either... parallel worlds, future worlds, dark worlds, dream worlds, you name it. And yet Zelda is the "legend". Not that I'm bitter or anything. I mean, it's cool. I go out and get my hands dirty slaying all these evil beasts that nobody else seems interested in fighting even though they own weapons shops stocked with better stuff than I can easily afford, but it's okay. Zelda is the legend, not me. Even though I've personally slain the Father of All That Is Evil more times than I can remember, that's fine. I don't need the status. Zelda's the legend, even in games where she doesn't appear. Totally fair. And that one game she was in but completely slept through... that's legendary, apparently. Absolutely. No complaints here. What's that? You think this paragraph is a little too passive-aggressive? Well EXCUUUUUUSE ME, PRINCESS.
Hair: Blonde, though I did go through an unfortunate pink-hair phase.
Eyes: Always shoot them with arrows.
Occupation: Hero of Time. Not that I'm bragging or anything...cough cough...
I would like to meet: A girl who will complete my heart container. Too many times I thought I've met the right person, only to find out that they can only give me a fraction of their heart. Honey, it doesn't do me any good unless I can have the whole thing.
I like to play the following sports: Basketball. I've got a killer hookshot!
My exercise regime consists of: Trotting all over the world to finish various side quests, sprinting after rupees even when my wallet's full and I can't hold any more and fleeing from the bomb I dropped accidentally because I forgot I had that weapon selected.
My favourite music: Everything by Zamfir! Also "Piece of My Heart," by Janis Joplin.
My favourite movie: Hy Noon, How Hy, Sky Hy, Hy School Hy, Hy Anxiety, and other titles that hammer this joke into the ground.
My favourite TV show: The Weakest Link, The Strongest Link, The Link That Was Weak But Got Stronger By Clearing Out Dungeons And Winning Some Photography Contests.
My dream is to: Wake up a psychedelic whale that lives on a mountain and sleeps in a giant egg. I...have issues.
On a first date I'd like to: Take you on a long, romantic walk on the beach, where we will be relentlessly attacked by Leevers, River Zoras, and sometimes those spiky black things from Kirby's Dream Land.