Feature: Nintendo Characters Looking for Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
What is a relationship? A miserable little pile of secrets!
My family and I have been fighting this evil for generations. As many times as we have lain the monstrous vampire Dracula to rest, he has again risen and reigned terror upon the land. For all times, there is a Belmont to keep the world safe. Of course, if we were really any good at this we'd just get it right the first time and our descendants could pursue careers as caterers or graphic designers or something, but hey, I don't see you seeking out Castle Dracula to do a better job.
Hair: Longer and more beautiful than yours, darling.
Eyes: Endlessly tumbling down from high places.
Occupation: Vampire Hunter.
I would like to meet: A whip-smart young ghoul that I can take home to meet my mummy. Or a swimsuit model.
I like to play the following sports: Competitive stair climbing. I'm not very good at it, though, as I keep getting stuck halfway up and defencelessly murdered by passing enemies.
My exercise regime consists of: Shuffling slowly forward, jumping stiffly into the air, slipping gracelessly off of platforms and into hidden pools of water that kill me.
My favourite music: Devo, Willow Smith, and "CAstlevania 6-5000" by The Undead, Reanimated Glenn Miller.
My favourite movie: Dracula, Son of Dracula, Leather-Clad Antagonist of Dracula.
My favourite TV show: Van Helsing, Penn & Teller: Bullwhip!
My dream is to: WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A DREAM
On a first date I'd like to: Have dinner with you. I found this big hunk of meat embedded in some masonry and I'd really like somebody to share it with by destructible candle light.