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Feature: Nintendo Characters Looking for Love

Posted by Philip J Reed

Get Equipped with Long-Term Relationship

About me

I was built for the sole purpose of scrubbing toilets and vacuuming crumbs off of a scientist that looks like Santa Claus, so of course I'm pitted regularly against psychotic killer robots equipped with napalm, grenades, fireballs and flying razor boomerang things. I was also designed to resemble a six-year-old kid in a bicycle helmet, because apparently my life wasn't destined to be hard enough already.

Location: Monsteropolis.
Ethnicity: Multi-coloured.
Hair: Blue / Black / Brown / Whatever the palette happens to allow at the time.
Eyes: Eyes Man gave me the Eyes Slasher.
Occupation: Renaissance Man.

I would like to meet: The right one, as I'm ready to pop the question now that I've defeated Ring Man. Unfortunately I only tend to always meet other Men. Just once, can't I meet a Woman that isn't my sister or some kind of deranged mermaid thing that wants to impale me with electric forks?

I like to play the following sports: Soccer, especially with bad controls and lots of slowdown.

My exercise regime consists of: Travelling around the world and fighting rogue robots that theme their lives and levels around animals, elements, weapons, mythical creatures, or whatever it was Dr. Wily had for breakfast.

My favourite music: Rock and Roll! Particularly Metallica, Motorhead, and "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed.

My favourite movie: A Boy and His Dog Which Turns Into a Submarine.

My favourite TV show: I have to be careful what I watch; I explode instantly if I accidentally stumble upon Spike TV.

My dream is to: Be a real boy! Preferably with a little green guardian angel to guide me and help me along. Of course, with my luck, that would probably turn out to be Cricket Man, or something, and before I met him I'd have to fight through a stage full of robotic insects and angry metal blades of grass and stuff like that. The music would probably be cool though. Seriously, my life is weird.

On a first date I'd like to: Stare vacantly into the night sky from the top of a tall building. It may not sound like much to you, but this is all I get in terms of downtime.

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User Comments (76)

zezhyrule

#1

zezhyrule said:

Dude I am all over Link.

"Honey, it doesn't do me any good unless I can have the whole thing."

Oh yeah, he's so fabulous~ n_n All my heart container are belong to you Link~

We have so much in common I just know it'll work out :*
we'll have to work on those horrible puns though...

MasterGraveheart

#2

MasterGraveheart said:

Kinda harsh on Samus, there, weren'cha? Ah well. I still take her out of the selections, but also take Pikachu for a loving pet.

Of those not listed, I choose Tifa Lockhart, Sheena Fujibayashi, and, of course, Shantae. ;)

Late

#3

Late said:

These were really awesome! Tingle's page was just what I expected xD

WingedSnagret

#5

WingedSnagret said:

I wonder if Pit has a sister... Also, I think he should go out with Samus. That would be an interesting sight. XD

Noire

#9

Noire said:

Dear lord, was that a Sonichu reference in there? D:

Tingle's was definitely my favorite, I can totally see him writing a profile like that lol. Mega Man's was fantastic too.

NintyMan

#10

NintyMan said:

This is the coolest feature to come on on this site in a long time. Pit needs some more love!

Where's Wario's profile? Surely he needs to share the love too.

ReindeerDasher

#12

ReindeerDasher said:

Ok so like am I going to see a few people changing their avatars before too long? Like me, @NintyFan, few other people that have those avatars....

AUnkownFuture

#13

AUnkownFuture said:

What an interesting article. I dont see Amy from the Sonic series there.... but oh well. Happy Valentines Day to all!

HanuKwanzMasBif

#14

HanuKwanzMasBif said:

These are great. SO MANY PUNS WITH PIT THOUGH... It's hilarious but painful. I can't believe I didn't see the bird one coming.

bezerker99

#17

bezerker99 said:

I'm working on a mixed tape right now for Tingle. Poor guy - music is the food of love! :*

Squid

#18

Squid said:

Well there's no way anyone would take someone who hasn't ever played unicycle hockey. What a loser. :P

WingedSnagret

#20

WingedSnagret said:

My favourite music: "Angel" by Shaggy, "Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow" by Sam Cooke, "Cupid, Reclaim the Three Sacred Treasures and Fight Some Eggplants" by Palutena. Palutena writes music? @NintyFan I'm honestly surprised that Pit even got a profile, considering how "new" (not technically but you get my point) he is. And I think we all know what Wario loves.

Bazly

#22

Bazly said:

Man Phil you are just all about the puns eh? :P

I think there should have been some gay profiles... though I mean look at the way Pit dresses... come on now... he's totally mine. :D

TKOWL

#24

TKOWL said:

Wait... that Pikachu is a male, because it doesn't have a notch on its tail! Does that mean... D:

But more importantly, /me contacts SMEXIZELDAMAN about the Tingle section

FluttershyGuy

#26

FluttershyGuy said:

Samus, I'll be your huckleberry! You can screw attack me like mad anytime... :O (thinking back to enemies being blown up into a million pieces by it in the past) Or, perhaps not.

Intriguing to think of the lingerie Samus would wear under her Power Suit on Valentine's Day! (always incentive to finish a Metroid as quickly as possible). Her job would probably be rough on a pair of stockings though. :P

Flowerlark

#27

Flowerlark said:

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

And back away, all you other ladies, Link is mine!

SMEXIZELDAMAN

#35

SMEXIZELDAMAN said:

Haha Great work on Tingle Chicken. I feel it wasn't as accurate as it could be though since I saw a distinct lack of :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :* :*

Retro_on_theGo

#40

Retro_on_theGo said:

Lol! That was hilarious! Really fun read,
Oh Samus! Don't worry, I can accommodate for any schedule you have!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#42

Philip_J_Reed said:

Glad you all enjoyed. This was a blast to write. A few of you mentioned other profiles we could have done, and believe me, we considered them!

We had to save a few for next year though!

@Bensei:
Isn't Cpt. Olimar married already?

Read a little further. :)

BulbasaurusRex

#46

BulbasaurusRex said:

*Buneary searches for Sonic

Buneary: Bun Bun Buneary
Sonic: Whoa, hold on a sec. I can't understand you.
Buneary: BUN-EARY!

*Buneary clobbers Sonic with Dizzy Punch.

Cloud-San-VII

#49

Cloud-San-VII said:

HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! What about Zelda, Peach, Sonic, Mewtwo, Bowser, Cloud, Fi, Midna, Navi, Ash, Sephiroth, Sora, Riku, Kirby, Yoshi, Ganondorf, Vaati, Demise, Misty, May, Brock, Roxas, Riku, Sheik, Roy, Marth, Ike, Cosmos, Zant, ROB, King Boo, Wario, Waluigi, Master Hand, Tom Nook, Fox, Ridley, Wolf, Slippy, Captain Falcon, Issac, Starfy, Lucas, Ness, Saki, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Bowser Jr, Pokemon Trainer, Meta Knight, Snake, Ice Climbers, King Dedede, Mew Mii, Game and Watch, Sakari, Iwata, and Miyatamoto. Or ya'know you could just use some of them next time (aka: the next holiday thing you do).

Odnetnin

#52

Odnetnin said:

Great read, Chicken. Best feature I've read in a while.

Also, CommandgirlVideo is the only one for me (it's OK because CV's dead and she's a lonely widow).

Knuckles

#56

Knuckles said:

Great read, im going to say something similar to Oddy. Best read for laughs in a bit, but i expect it to change in a week or so when NL comes out with another work of gaming literature in one way or another=)

StarDust4Ever

#57

StarDust4Ever said:

Seriously guys, only one female to like ten males? Where's Peach and Daisy, or even Rosalina for that matter?

Tsukun

#58

Tsukun said:

"I like to play the following sports: Basketball. I've got a killer hookshot!"

And that was where I fell over laughing.

Noire

#59

Noire said:

Oh no, an article on NL that doesn't specifically cater to the ravenous needs of boys~

Those who whine are deepest in the closet. ^__^

besides in the end, it doesn't matter if they're all men or women, Mr. Brutus wrote them all so it's really him you're crushing on

Ultra128

#61

Ultra128 said:

That was pretty epic, but I do agree with StarDust; you could've put more females, like Zelda/Sheik.

eviLaTtenDant

#67

eviLaTtenDant said:

This was too much awesome for me to handle yesterday. Guys, CB, you’ve outdone yourselves once again. :* It will be very hard to chose characters and make something this good next year. With the other characters already mentioned, Mallo, Nikki, Resetti, Tom Nook, K.K. Slider, … there are no limits, really.
I cry foul at profile number nine though. That’s not a game character, it’s nl-users! :o It made for an amazing change of style though that gives this Feature the last bit of epic. HoF and wtf status . easily.

  • Didn’t like Pickachu’s first but it’s grown on me.
  • Man, Luigi’s a character I can relate to so well.
  • S.A. + S.B. = ♥♥♥, make it happen!
  • I was certain Mega Man would listen to Rush. I’m crushed now and will never play or buy any new Mega Man game! As if there’d ever be one…
  • Glad you avoided the overly-obvious “lay pipes” with Mario and not involved the timeline for Link..
  • Sure Samus also likes Other M by Anzig D, Olimar Clayman by In Flames and Pit Angel’s Holocaust by Iced Earth :)

@Lordlz(#63): Just wait until you play Uprising … :o

JustAnotherUser

#70

JustAnotherUser said:

I would have to choose link, then he can take me on an adventure to save princess zelda. :)
...And when he saves her I can just take Zelda by the hand and sneak through the back door :D

Fuzzy

#71

Fuzzy said:

"Basketball. I've got a killer hookshot!" Oh no you didn't...

Some of your best work here Brutus. Great work again. I bet it's a lot better writing when you haven't been forced through a 1* game.

Lobster

#73

Lobster said:

This was truly fantastic. At the very least, best thing I've read all month. :D

AutumnShantel

#75

AutumnShantel said:

How did I miss that, the "Mother" and "Other M" thing was really clever, and PF is my favorite band :)

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#76

Philip_J_Reed said:

the "Mother" and "Other M" thing was really clever

Thanks, that was one of the things I was most proud of. :)

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