Feature: Nintendo Characters Looking for Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Get Equipped with Long-Term Relationship
I was built for the sole purpose of scrubbing toilets and vacuuming crumbs off of a scientist that looks like Santa Claus, so of course I'm pitted regularly against psychotic killer robots equipped with napalm, grenades, fireballs and flying razor boomerang things. I was also designed to resemble a six-year-old kid in a bicycle helmet, because apparently my life wasn't destined to be hard enough already.
Hair: Blue / Black / Brown / Whatever the palette happens to allow at the time.
Eyes: Eyes Man gave me the Eyes Slasher.
Occupation: Renaissance Man.
I would like to meet: The right one, as I'm ready to pop the question now that I've defeated Ring Man. Unfortunately I only tend to always meet other Men. Just once, can't I meet a Woman that isn't my sister or some kind of deranged mermaid thing that wants to impale me with electric forks?
I like to play the following sports: Soccer, especially with bad controls and lots of slowdown.
My exercise regime consists of: Travelling around the world and fighting rogue robots that theme their lives and levels around animals, elements, weapons, mythical creatures, or whatever it was Dr. Wily had for breakfast.
My favourite music: Rock and Roll! Particularly Metallica, Motorhead, and "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed.
My favourite movie: A Boy and His Dog Which Turns Into a Submarine.
My favourite TV show: I have to be careful what I watch; I explode instantly if I accidentally stumble upon Spike TV.
My dream is to: Be a real boy! Preferably with a little green guardian angel to guide me and help me along. Of course, with my luck, that would probably turn out to be Cricket Man, or something, and before I met him I'd have to fight through a stage full of robotic insects and angry metal blades of grass and stuff like that. The music would probably be cool though. Seriously, my life is weird.
On a first date I'd like to: Stare vacantly into the night sky from the top of a tall building. It may not sound like much to you, but this is all I get in terms of downtime.