Feature: Nintendo Characters Looking for Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Second Banana Seeks First Mate
It's Luigi time! I am the less-famous half of the Mario brothers, so I don't even know why you're bothering to read this. Really, who do you think you're fooling? You can hover the cursor over my profile as long as you like; I already know you're not going to pick me. Oh, you might think about it for a little while. You might think, hey, this guy has a less annoying voice, or this guy can jump a lot higher and he does that cool fluttering thing with his legs in the process, but eventually you're going to go with the safer bet. Mario has better traction, he's a more balanced fighter and, yes, he's just a lot more popular. It's okay. I understand. This is nothing new to me, but I do wish I'd eventually get my chance to shine. I guess you could say I'm green with envy.
Location: Luigi's Mansion (YES LADIES I HAVE A MANSION).
Ethnicity: Italian, except in that one movie where I was suddenly Latino.
Hair: Like my gut, thinner than Mario's.
Eyes: Bugging out of my head in terror because somebody jumped out and yelled "Boo!"
Occupation: Being green. It's not that easy.
I would like to meet: A woman who prefers men who are taller than they are wide. Seriously, why is that so much to ask?
I like to play the following sports: It would be faster to list the sports my brother and I haven't been forced to play. Here goes: Unicycle Hockey. DONE.
My exercise regime consists of: Sitting patiently and waiting for Mario to die so that I can have a turn.
My favourite music: The Avett Brothers, The Allman Brothers, "Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Much Skinnier Brother" by The Hollies.
My favourite movie: Boobusters.
My favourite TV show: Ghost Hunters, American Horror Story, This Old Haunted House. Also Rachel Ray; I hope she made lots of spaghetti!!
My dream is to: Solve all those stupid geography puzzles incorrectly so that Mario stays missing.
On a first date I'd like to: Step out from my brother's shadow and prove that I'm every bit as capable of becoming the hero as he is. Just because he gets all the attention doesn't mean he's the brave one in the famil--OH NO DID I JUST SEE A GHOST ARRRRGGGHHH RUNNNN! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIFE!!!!