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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

King of Red Lions

Colour My World

About Me: Did I startle you? I suppose that is only natural. As wide as the world is, I am the only boat upon it who can speak the words of men. I am the King of Red Lions...but you can call me the Love Boat. I'm seeking somebody who can rescue this land from a great, creeping darkness, yes, but it would also be nice to take someone special to a sail-in movie sometime. I was actually once the King of Hyrule, but I've been feeling pretty low, lately...what with the fact that I'm trapped on the ocean floor and all. It gets pretty lonely, and I wish I didn't have to count on unconscious strangers for companionship, especially since that's what got that fellow Tingle locked up a while back. I do have one daughter, but she's going through an awkward phase where she can't remember anything and bosses around a bunch of pirates. When you have kids of your own I'm sure you'll understand.

Location: The Great Sea

Ethnicity: Redwood

Hair: Lots. I'll be your mane man.

Eyes: Cel-shaded

Occupation: Absentee Monarch

I would like to meet: Anyone. At all. Sorry if I sound desperate, but I'm a human being trapped in a sealed castle at the bottom of the ocean and can only communicate through a ship's figurehead. Apart from running down piscine cartographers for sport, I don't exactly have much of a social life.

I like to play the following sports: I've got love for sail.

My exercise regime consists of: Wondering what's for dinner.

My favourite music: "Sail Away" by Enya, "I am a Boat" by The Lonely Greatfish Island, "You Can't Hide Your Lion Eyes" by The E-Gulls

My favourite movies: The Lion King, The Fisher King, The Fishing Boat King, The Life Aquatic With Daphnes Nohansen Zissou

My favourite TV shows: Fish Police, SeaQuest, Gilligan's Bathysphere

My dream is to: Sail around the world. jk, I do that like every day I want to meet someone I can have a conversation with, since without that the whole "only boat ever that can talk" thing feels kind of like a Twilight Zone punishment.

On a first date I'd like to: Take you on a romantic sail at sunset. The Great Sea is beautiful at night, as long as you know don't mind the occasional exploding barrel or octopus attack. I know the idea of dating a talking boat might sound strange to you, but if Joaquin Phoenix can fall in love with a cell phone then, really, this isn't so bad.

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User Comments (47)

JellySplat

#3

JellySplat said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...

mamp

#4

mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.

Lunapplebloom

#6

Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her. :P

rjejr

#9

rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta

AlbertoC

#11

AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.

bloodycelt

#22

bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?

Xtremetdifan

#24

Xtremetdifan said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?

ningeek185

#26

ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)

Squid

#32

Squid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. :D I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.

Giygas_95

#33

Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#34

Philip_J_Reed said:

@CaptainSquid
Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1
We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

justinj42

#36

justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"

Inazuma_Pikpik

#38

Inazuma_Pikpik said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone. :P

Doge

#40

Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.

sonic_brawler95

#42

sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.

bloodycelt

#43

bloodycelt said:

@Philip_J_Reed
Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.

AJWolfTill

#45

AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!

BulbasaurusRex

#47

BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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