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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Captain Viridian

You and the Captain Make it Happen

About Me: This is an SOS distress call from the DSS Souleye. The crew is missing, due to dimensional interference. I am marooned and frightened, and I hope that none of my loyal, colour-coded crew members have been hurt by the spikes, killer stop signs, and auto-scrolling hellscapes that populate this mysterious dimension. I will not deviate from my urgent task of finding them, unless there's a trinket somewhere that I'll spend a few hours trying to figure out how to collect. I'm a good man, adventurous and brave, and I never shrink from a challenge...except for those user-created levels. Those are just garbage.

Location: Dimension VVVVVV

Ethnicity: 8-Bit

Hair: BBBBBBald

Eyes: Vacant

Occupation: Captain

I would like to meet: The rest of my crew. Just thinking about them causes me to frown and make an adorable noise. They're lost somewhere in this dimension, and I won't rest until I find them all and accidentally lead them into spikes a bunch of times. I'm also looking for a woman who doesn't mind that I'm a pretty two-dimensional guy. I know that I lack depth and perspective, but on the bright side I run around naked everywhere, so that should save you some ironing.

I like to play the following sports: Hide and Seek, Follow the Leader, Grandmother's Footsteps.

My exercise regime consists of: Dying repeatedly because I keep accidentally brushing against basic geometric shapes.

My favourite music: Vivaldi, The Commodores, Alvin and the Chiptunes, "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie.

My favourite movies: The Naked and the Dead, Silent Running, Blue Men Can't Jump.

My favourite TV shows: Star Trek, Lost in Space, Doctor WWWho.

My dream is to: Meet the tiny, bald, identical nudist that I will spend the rest of my life with. That's likely to be a loooooong time since I never stay dead, so I want to choose wisely.

On a first date I'd like to: Turn your world upside down. Hey, some guys have it and some guys don't.

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User Comments (47)



J-Manix98 said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...



mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.



Undead_terror said:

Guess I will be by myself since Jill hates zombies, I will die alone with my undead minions!



Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her.



rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta



AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.



Auracle said:

Some of these were good, put there was too much spiteful humor for my taste.



bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?



Xjarnold said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?



ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)



FriedSquid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.



Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!



Philip_J_Reed said:

Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.



justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"



TsunamiSensei said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone.



Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.



sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.



bloodycelt said:

Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.



AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!



BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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