Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014
Posted by Philip J Reed
There's Always Monkey in the Banana Stand
About Me: I'm the leader of the bunch. You know me well, and I'm finally back to kick some tail. Actually, I haven't really been gone for long, ever, since I'm one of the most recognizable characters in the entire medium and there's hardly a genre that I haven't been forcibly crammed into. Anyway, I've tumbled off of enough construction sites to know it's time to settle down. I'm tired of kidnapping other people's girlfriends and scaling dangerous scaffolding...I want to kidnap my own girlfriend and scale dangerous scaffolding. I'm not very picky in terms of what I'm looking for, romantically; easy on the eyes, smart, a good sense of humour...I think what I'm trying to say is that I like anything that has a-peel.
Location: In the jungle, baby.
Occupation: King of Swing
I would like to meet: Someone who can help me get all of my bananas back, someone who doesn't mind that I keep animals in crates until I need them to guide me through hazards, someone who isn't turned off by my daring nude-and-necktie combo.
I like to play the following sports: Karting is a personal favoruite, and it's a great way to recycle banana peels. You know, people always wonder why Mario invites Bowser out for a race when they're such obvious rivals. Really, though, they should wonder why he keeps inviting me; I haven't been a part of his core universe for three decades.
My exercise regime consists of: Chin-ups, flexed arm hang, somersaults, getting pesticide squirted up my butt.
My favourite music: The Banana Splits, The Monkees, Gorillaz...I'd list some more but you see where I'm going with this.
My favourite movies: Congo, Herbie Goes Bananas, Herbie Eats Bananas, Herbie Kidnaps a Woman With No Personality and Sits Around Waiting For Her Fat Boyfriend to Come Get Her.
My favourite TV shows: Magilla Gorilla, Banana Hoarders, the first season of Friends.
My dream is to: Invent some very creative new profanities when I see it's time for another minecart level.
On a first date I'd like to: Sue you for saying my name without permission.