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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Donkey Kong

There's Always Monkey in the Banana Stand

About Me: I'm the leader of the bunch. You know me well, and I'm finally back to kick some tail. Actually, I haven't really been gone for long, ever, since I'm one of the most recognizable characters in the entire medium and there's hardly a genre that I haven't been forcibly crammed into. Anyway, I've tumbled off of enough construction sites to know it's time to settle down. I'm tired of kidnapping other people's girlfriends and scaling dangerous scaffolding...I want to kidnap my own girlfriend and scale dangerous scaffolding. I'm not very picky in terms of what I'm looking for, romantically; easy on the eyes, smart, a good sense of humour...I think what I'm trying to say is that I like anything that has a-peel.

Location: In the jungle, baby.

Ethnicity: Primate

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Simian

Occupation: King of Swing

I would like to meet: Someone who can help me get all of my bananas back, someone who doesn't mind that I keep animals in crates until I need them to guide me through hazards, someone who isn't turned off by my daring nude-and-necktie combo.

I like to play the following sports: Karting is a personal favoruite, and it's a great way to recycle banana peels. You know, people always wonder why Mario invites Bowser out for a race when they're such obvious rivals. Really, though, they should wonder why he keeps inviting me; I haven't been a part of his core universe for three decades.

My exercise regime consists of: Chin-ups, flexed arm hang, somersaults, getting pesticide squirted up my butt.

My favourite music: The Banana Splits, The Monkees, Gorillaz...I'd list some more but you see where I'm going with this.

My favourite movies: Congo, Herbie Goes Bananas, Herbie Eats Bananas, Herbie Kidnaps a Woman With No Personality and Sits Around Waiting For Her Fat Boyfriend to Come Get Her.

My favourite TV shows: Magilla Gorilla, Banana Hoarders, the first season of Friends.

My dream is to: Invent some very creative new profanities when I see it's time for another minecart level.

On a first date I'd like to: Sue you for saying my name without permission.

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User Comments (47)



J-Manix98 said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...



mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.



Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her.



rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta



AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.



Auracle said:

Some of these were good, put there was too much spiteful humor for my taste.



bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?



Xjarnold said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?



ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)



FriedSquid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.



Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!



Philip_J_Reed said:

Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.



justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"



TsunamiSensei said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone.



Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.



sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.



bloodycelt said:

Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.



AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!



BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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