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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Chrom

I'm a Perfectly Chromulent Lord

About Me: As the vigilante captain shepherd or whatever of the land of Ylisse, it is my duty to lead our forces to victory against Plegia, Valm, and endless hordes of Risen. Also, throughout my battles children from the future tumble through time and end up fighting alongside us. While that might sound strange, it's nothing compared to the fact that during wartime I essentially manage my troops like one big singles' club.

Location: Ylisse

Ethnicity: Blueblood

Hair: Marth's

Eyes: Discounted if you download both as a pack

Occupation: Lord and Saviour

I would like to meet: A stranger lying unconscious on the ground who can't remember anything about the past so that I can put them in charge of the entire Ylissian army. What? Why are you looking at me like that?

I like to play the following sports: Fencing, Gasping, Speed Dating

My exercise regime consists of: Jogging one step, waiting for every other man, woman and child to do something, then jogging one more step.

My favourite music: Love is a Battlefield, I Am the Warrior, I Will Survive

My favourite movies: War Games, Army of Darkness, Permadeath Midnight

My favourite TV shows: Modern Family, Dad's Army, Sister Wives, Turn-Based Strategy Game of Thrones

My dream is to: Restart my failed battles so that I can try out some different tactics and / or prevent the cutest girl from dying.

On a first date I'd like to: Make sure we're both on the same page. I know what some people use dating sites for, but I'm looking for the woman who will one day give birth to my daughter, who happens to be right here, helping me write this profile. In other words, if you want to have some consequence-free fun, that's fine, but I'm not into "casual mode."

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User Comments (47)

JellySplat

#3

JellySplat said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...

mamp

#4

mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.

Lunapplebloom

#6

Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her. :P

rjejr

#9

rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta

AlbertoC

#11

AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.

bloodycelt

#22

bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?

Xtremetdifan

#24

Xtremetdifan said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?

ningeek185

#26

ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)

Squid

#32

Squid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. :D I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.

Giygas_95

#33

Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#34

Philip_J_Reed said:

@CaptainSquid
Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1
We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

justinj42

#36

justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"

Pikpikp

#38

Pikpikp said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone. :P

Doge

#40

Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.

sonic_brawler95

#42

sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.

bloodycelt

#43

bloodycelt said:

@Philip_J_Reed
Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.

AJWolfTill

#45

AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!

BulbasaurusRex

#47

BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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