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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Jill Valentine

Seeking My Jill Manwich

About Me: Ex-Army brat who has served in the Delta Force, STARS, and the BSAA, all of which drilled into me the valuable skills of looking pretty and wearing tight clothes. The guys I meet are either deadbeats or undead, so I figured I'd give this a shot. I was reluctant to try online dating at first, but then I realized that I spend 12 hours a day being pursued by drooling, brainless mutants anyway, so what's a few hours more?

Location: Raccoon City

Ethnicity: French-Japanese

Hair: Cropped

Eyes: Up here, buddy.

Occupation: Master of Unlocking

I would like to meet: Somebody willing to accept me for what I am: alive.

I like to play the following sports: Mud Wrestling, Pillow Fighting, Shopping, Hair Pulling...amirite girls??

My exercise regime consists of: Carrying more things than the men, reciting stilted dialogue, stiffly spinning in circles while trying to shoot the zombie that's like right in front of me.

My favourite music: "Zombie" by The Cranberries, "Zomby Woof" by Frank Zappa, "She's Not There (She's In a Creepy Mansion Solving Oblique Environmental Puzzles)" by The Zombies

My favourite movies: Outbreak, Contagion, Live and Let Undie

My favourite TV shows: The Walking Dead, The A-Team starring Mr. T-Virus

My dream is to: Find a safer line of work. Swallowing chainsaws or something.

On a first date I'd like to: Joke about the fact that it's Valentine's Day, and my name is Valentine, and I don't have a valentine, because, man, that never gets old.

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User Comments (47)

JellySplat

#3

JellySplat said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...

mamp

#4

mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.

Lunapplebloom

#6

Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her. :P

rjejr

#9

rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta

AlbertoC

#11

AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.

bloodycelt

#22

bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?

Xtremetdifan

#24

Xtremetdifan said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?

ningeek185

#26

ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)

Squid

#32

Squid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. :D I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.

Giygas_95

#33

Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#34

Philip_J_Reed said:

@CaptainSquid
Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1
We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

justinj42

#36

justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"

Pikpikp

#38

Pikpikp said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone. :P

Doge

#40

Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.

sonic_brawler95

#42

sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.

bloodycelt

#43

bloodycelt said:

@Philip_J_Reed
Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.

AJWolfTill

#45

AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!

BulbasaurusRex

#47

BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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