Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014
Posted by Philip J Reed
Real Men Have Curves
About Me: I'm-a Wario! I'm gonna win...your heart! Women like money, right? Well, I've got loads of it, just sitting around in convenient sacks for little marshmallow guys with pitchforks to steal while I'm sleeping. It's not a perfect arrangement, I admit, but I can get it back so long as I don't mind being zombified, set on fire, frozen solid, inflated like a balloon and flattened into a pancake along the way. After all, what's the alternative? Lock the door? Who's got time for that? Anyway, I'm a lot like that goody-two-shoes Mario, except that my games are all about jumping around collecting money, and his...actually...wait a minute here...
Location: Wario's Woods
I would like to meet: Someone who likes the smell of onions, farts, and onion farts. Someone who appreciates my mustard-and-jam fashion sense. Oh, and somebody willing to make a game for my brother to star in. I could do it myself since I run my own development studio, but even I know nobody would buy that crap.
I like to play the following sports: Golf, Tennis, Karting, Competitive Belching
My exercise regime consists of: Being controlled by the computer because no intelligent human being would ever choose to be me in a sporting event.
My favourite music: "Moneygrabber" by Fitz and the Tantrums, "Baby You're a Rich Man" by The Beatles, and pretty much any three second loops that get faster every time until you're just pressing buttons and hoping for the best.
My favourite movies: The Money Pit, Brewster's Millions, Rat Race, It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Wario World
My favourite TV shows: Legends of the Hidden Temple, Pawn Stars, Loot Ben Stein's Puzzletomb
My dream is to: Star in the only tolerable game on an entire console. OH WAIT.
On a first date I'd like to: Shoulder you violently to see if any coins come out.