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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Wario

Real Men Have Curves

About Me: I'm-a Wario! I'm gonna win...your heart! Women like money, right? Well, I've got loads of it, just sitting around in convenient sacks for little marshmallow guys with pitchforks to steal while I'm sleeping. It's not a perfect arrangement, I admit, but I can get it back so long as I don't mind being zombified, set on fire, frozen solid, inflated like a balloon and flattened into a pancake along the way. After all, what's the alternative? Lock the door? Who's got time for that? Anyway, I'm a lot like that goody-two-shoes Mario, except that my games are all about jumping around collecting money, and his...actually...wait a minute here...

Location: Wario's Woods

Ethnicity: Witalian

Hair: Wiry

Eyes: Green

Occupation: Entrepreneur

I would like to meet: Someone who likes the smell of onions, farts, and onion farts. Someone who appreciates my mustard-and-jam fashion sense. Oh, and somebody willing to make a game for my brother to star in. I could do it myself since I run my own development studio, but even I know nobody would buy that crap.

I like to play the following sports: Golf, Tennis, Karting, Competitive Belching

My exercise regime consists of: Being controlled by the computer because no intelligent human being would ever choose to be me in a sporting event.

My favourite music: "Moneygrabber" by Fitz and the Tantrums, "Baby You're a Rich Man" by The Beatles, and pretty much any three second loops that get faster every time until you're just pressing buttons and hoping for the best.

My favourite movies: The Money Pit, Brewster's Millions, Rat Race, It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Wario World

My favourite TV shows: Legends of the Hidden Temple, Pawn Stars, Loot Ben Stein's Puzzletomb

My dream is to: Star in the only tolerable game on an entire console. OH WAIT.

On a first date I'd like to: Shoulder you violently to see if any coins come out.

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User Comments (47)

JellySplat

#3

JellySplat said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...

mamp

#4

mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.

Lunapplebloom

#6

Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her. :P

rjejr

#9

rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta

AlbertoC

#11

AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.

bloodycelt

#22

bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?

Xtremetdifan

#24

Xtremetdifan said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?

ningeek185

#26

ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)

Squid

#32

Squid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. :D I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.

Giygas_95

#33

Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#34

Philip_J_Reed said:

@CaptainSquid
Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1
We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

justinj42

#36

justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"

Pikpikp

#38

Pikpikp said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone. :P

Doge

#40

Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.

sonic_brawler95

#42

sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.

bloodycelt

#43

bloodycelt said:

@Philip_J_Reed
Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.

AJWolfTill

#45

AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!

BulbasaurusRex

#47

BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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