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Feature: Video Game Characters Looking for Love - 2014

Posted by Philip J Reed

Rayman

Mostly Armless

About Me: Yeah!! It's your old pal, Rayman! You know me, right? I'm the star of all those great games that you never buy, because you'd rather spend your money on Super Mario Trout Fishing. But I'm not jealous of that hairy meatball. After all, I ride a giant mosquito that spits lasers! What does Mario have? A pregnant dinosaur? Give me a break! And I've got asymmetrical gameplay. Remember that? It was supposed to be such a big thing, but I'm about the only one who bothered with it. Was that some kind of joke on me? Whatever. The fact is that I'm still single, probably because I'm constantly playing second fiddle to pudgy Italians and rabbit monsters with underpants on their heads. Boy, you know, the more I think about my life, the more depressed I get.

Location: Glade of Dreams

Ethnicity: Detached

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Conjoined

Occupation: Master of karate and friendship for everyone

I would like to meet: The fat Ghostbuster. Oh, and my siblings, Aimee and Michael. I haven't seen them since they left to get into show business.

I like to play the following sports: Kung Foot, Boxing, Chest Grabbing. (I should probably think of a better way to phrase that last one.)

My exercise regime consists of: Jungle running, Lum collecting, jumping from sinking ships to other platforms

My favourite music: "Kissing the Limbless" by The Shins, and "Tiny Bubbles" by Don Ho. I'm not a fan of The Smashing Pumpkins, but I do like the shirts that Billy Corgan wears.

My favourite movies: The Great Escape, A Farewell to Arms, Rayn Man, The Lumtouchables, Django Unlimbed

My favourite TV shows: I don't watch much TV, but I have to admit that I get pretty wrapped up in my favourite cooking show. I know it's silly to sit on my couch and watch somebody else prepare meals, but I can't get enough of it. I think it's because I really like the host of the show...I am definitely a Rachael Ray man.

My dream is to: Meet somebody who plays my games. I know they're out there...somewhere...

On a first date I'd like to: Do a whole bunch of awesome stuff that nobody will ever see or talk about. There is no justice, people.

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User Comments (47)

JellySplat

#3

JellySplat said:

Well... I guess Jill because she's the only female on this list...Although, I am a big fan of the postman...

mamp

#4

mamp said:

With so many redesigns sonic you're just not the same hedgehog I fell in love with, which is why I took my mother's advice and left you for the plumber across the street.

Lunapplebloom

#6

Lunapplebloom said:

A very funny read there. Some good choices were made, though the lack of females is odd...

Looks like it's going to have to be Jill as default choice for myself. The one thing you can be sure of for her is a lot of guys will be chasing her. :P

rjejr

#9

rjejr said:

Too much information?

I was going to edit it now, guess I wont have to. ta ta

AlbertoC

#11

AlbertoC said:

Dr. Light's line tag is in binary. Converted to ASCII characters the string says "be mine". In case you missed it / aren't computer savvy / can't look it up / are just lazy.

bloodycelt

#22

bloodycelt said:

Not enough ladies, where are Princess Zelda, Azel, Nei (Numan), Maria Beldandes, Aya Brea, Terra Branford, Princess Garnet to name some?

Xtremetdifan

#24

Xtremetdifan said:

Should've been more females but I pick Jill by default, Chrom was hilarious what with putting an unconscious, amnesia stranger the head of his army...What?

ningeek185

#26

ningeek185 said:

I'm pretty sure Donkey Kong doesn't listen to Guns N' Roses. (Look at DK's location.)

Squid

#32

Squid said:

I love these, thanks for putting them up for the past few years. :D I'd love to see Magnus, Little Mac, Wii Fit Trainer or Meta Knight in one of these.

Giygas_95

#33

Giygas_95 said:

@Philip_J_Reed I hope if you do this next year that you'll do profiles for Giygas and Zero (I know they're unrelated, but, hey, whatever).

Brilliant work by the way. You've got a razor sharp sense of humor!

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#34

Philip_J_Reed said:

@CaptainSquid
Little Mac barely missed out...and now I regret it, because it would have been great to have him right after his Smash Bros. announcement. Oh well. Maybe they'll announce the King of Red Lions next and I'll feel better.

@mozzy1
We already did Samus! She's taken now, we assume, so no more profiles for her.

@Everyone Bemoaning a Lack of Females:
Bear in mind that if you made a list of all female video game characters that have a) wide recognition b) a significant presence on Nintendo consoles and c) a rich enough history to mine for jokes, it would be substantially shorter than a list of male characters that satisfy the same conditions. A 1:10 ratio is probably about right on the whole. I'm by no means saying that's a good thing, but I can only work with what I have, and if I use up all of the female characters in one go, we'll run out!

Besides, that's not the important issue here...this is just all in good fun. Let's focus on the more important things, like whether or not Donkey Kong listens to Guns N Roses.

justinj42

#36

justinj42 said:

Yes! An Arrested Development reference! Was I the only one that caught it? "How many times do I have to tell you? There's always MONEY in the BANANA STAND!"

Inazuma_Pikpik

#38

Inazuma_Pikpik said:

I pick Rayman, fighter of the Night man, champion of the sun, he's a master of karate and friendship for everyone. :P

Doge

#40

Doge said:

I'll just stick with being alone. again. its something you get used to.

sonic_brawler95

#42

sonic_brawler95 said:

After reading Rayman's entry, I can't read your articles without trying to find an Always Sunny reference.

bloodycelt

#43

bloodycelt said:

@Philip_J_Reed
Thats why you grab the gals from sega and square, Only two of the women I mentioned are not available on a nintendo console.

But even with just Nintendo characters, there are enough Zelda variations to include one each year.

AJWolfTill

#45

AJWolfTill said:

@Philip_J_Reed This article was brilliant, don't worry about it! Besides for most of the characters this year it made sense that they were single! Chrom and Rayman were my favourites!

BulbasaurusRex

#47

BulbasaurusRex said:

@AlbertoC Reminds me of an episode of "Reboot" when a comedian binome said "Take my wife, please" in binary ASCII.

@AJWolfTill You do realize Chrom gets married halfway through the game, right?

Another excellent edition! They're not all horrible picks, though. I could go for Jill as long as she never made me visit her at work and promised to take full advantage of maternity leave when the time came, and Chrom's a great guy if I swung that way.

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