Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Become a Permanent Guest at One of My Seven Koopa Hotels!
About me: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Or at least kill an Italian guy. I think that's pretty much the same thing. Anyway I've spent my entire adult life abducting the same princess from the same castle, while she wears the same dress and writes the same nonsensical letters home about cake. It's like I'm stuck in some kind of eternal, Twilight Zone cycle of punishment. On the one hand I guess I must enjoy it, as I could always just go back to college and get my accounting degree instead, but on the other hand I GET MY FLESH MELTED OFF BY LAVA AND NOW I AM A TORMENTED SKELETON OH GOD WHY WON'T I DIE!!!!
Location: Mushroom Kingdom
Eyes: Only for you, Princess
Occupation: King Koopa
I would like to meet: Someone who doesn't mind that I have kids all over the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as the fact that I can never remember all of their names. I think one of them is Iggy. Or is it Ziggy? Then there's Roy, Wendy...Zeppo...Ringo? Brainy, Sneezy...you know what? It doesn't even matter. Why do they need names? All you have to do is stomp on their heads a few times to advance...same as anything else in this ridiculous place.
I like to play the following sports: Capture the Flag, Hide and Seek, really slow go-karting
My exercise regime consists of: Competing in absolutely every Olympic event. And what have you done with your life?
My favourite music: "Dragon the Line" by Tommy James, "Living For the Sim-City" by Stevie Wonder, "Might as Well Jump (Into My Spiked Shell (So You Shrink (Or Die if You Didn't Find a Mushroom First)))" by Van Halen
My favourite movie: Taken, Taken 2, Taken Temporarily Until a Plumber Shows Up and Kills Everything
My favourite TV show: Call of the Wild Man, Franklin, Adult Mutant Dragon Turtles
My dream is to: Find a woman who loves me for who I am, or is at least mildly susceptible to Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously, Peach has some seriously impressive mental integrity not to be in love with me by now! Or maybe she just really likes guys who work in the sewer all day with the same gloves that they wear to dinner. Either way, good on her!
On a first date I'd like to: Be dropped into a pool of lava by your out-of-shape boyfriend.