News Article

Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love

Posted by Philip J Reed

Bowser

Become a Permanent Guest at One of My Seven Koopa Hotels!

About me: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Or at least kill an Italian guy. I think that's pretty much the same thing. Anyway I've spent my entire adult life abducting the same princess from the same castle, while she wears the same dress and writes the same nonsensical letters home about cake. It's like I'm stuck in some kind of eternal, Twilight Zone cycle of punishment. On the one hand I guess I must enjoy it, as I could always just go back to college and get my accounting degree instead, but on the other hand I GET MY FLESH MELTED OFF BY LAVA AND NOW I AM A TORMENTED SKELETON OH GOD WHY WON'T I DIE!!!!

Location: Mushroom Kingdom

Ethnicity: Gamera

Hair: Red

Eyes: Only for you, Princess

Occupation: King Koopa

I would like to meet: Someone who doesn't mind that I have kids all over the Mushroom Kingdom, as well as the fact that I can never remember all of their names. I think one of them is Iggy. Or is it Ziggy? Then there's Roy, Wendy...Zeppo...Ringo? Brainy, Sneezy...you know what? It doesn't even matter. Why do they need names? All you have to do is stomp on their heads a few times to advance...same as anything else in this ridiculous place.

I like to play the following sports: Capture the Flag, Hide and Seek, really slow go-karting

My exercise regime consists of: Competing in absolutely every Olympic event. And what have you done with your life?

My favourite music: "Dragon the Line" by Tommy James, "Living For the Sim-City" by Stevie Wonder, "Might as Well Jump (Into My Spiked Shell (So You Shrink (Or Die if You Didn't Find a Mushroom First)))" by Van Halen

My favourite movie: Taken, Taken 2, Taken Temporarily Until a Plumber Shows Up and Kills Everything

My favourite TV show: Call of the Wild Man, Franklin, Adult Mutant Dragon Turtles

My dream is to: Find a woman who loves me for who I am, or is at least mildly susceptible to Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously, Peach has some seriously impressive mental integrity not to be in love with me by now! Or maybe she just really likes guys who work in the sewer all day with the same gloves that they wear to dinner. Either way, good on her!

On a first date I'd like to: Be dropped into a pool of lava by your out-of-shape boyfriend.

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User Comments (40)

Norfair

#3

Norfair said:

Ganondorf, obviously. Who wouldn't want that wicked man of the desert?

Void

#4

Void said:

I think Philip should write things like this more than a few times a year.

LordJumpMad

#10

LordJumpMad said:

That love logo should be on the front page of NintendoLife logo, just to spice things up~

C-Olimar

#13

C-Olimar said:

The Koopalings aren't Bowser's kids, only Bowser Jr. is.

“Our current story is that the seven Koopalings are not Bowser’s children. Bower’s only child is Bowser Jr. and we don’t know who the the mother is.” - Miyamoto.

I'm such a killjoy :-/

Great pages :D

Dashtag

#16

Dashtag said:

Yes, you really should've had Medusa or Hades in here, that would've made this all the more funny.

BTW Tingle from last year still is the best page~

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#17

Philip_J_Reed said:

Medusa just missed the cut! I started that one but wouldn't have had it done in time. :(

Next year?

/me doesn't know what to make of how many people are surprised Ganon(dorf) is single.

Morpheel

#20

Morpheel said:

"Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last."

Genius.

sinalefa

#26

sinalefa said:

I would be surprised if Ganondorf was married, actually. He can have any Gerudo girl he wants, so he would not do for a particularly loyal husband. And no Gerudo girl would do for a particularly tolerant wife.

Aqueous

#27

Aqueous said:

Oh Philip, I wasn't expecting you to do another of these. Thank you for the laughs. I enjoyed the Doctor, Ganondorf and The Ghost from Pacman in particular

Shirma_Akayaku

#28

Shirma_Akayaku said:

Dis arteecle iz so phunny... But seriously, I like it very much. Not bad.
Too bad I barely read, I didn't even finish reading the first page.

Jaz007

#29

Jaz007 said:

Brilliance. But come on, no girls (mother brain doesn't count).
We had a lack last year too with only samus. Us guys need someone for valintines day too. Now I will have to be alone since my internet date plan failed.

KiwiPanda

#30

KiwiPanda said:

King Dedede:
"Mate for life. My carefully cultivated flab can keep our baby warm while you venture out blindly into the tundra to find and gather enough food to keep all three of us alive, because that's certainly fair."
I thought I had seen the best last year, but this stuff is brilliant! These features are the things you can't find at other sites and what makes NL great, and it's good to see more being made. Great job, Chicken :3

James

#32

James said:

Has it really been a year since the first one..? Good work again Phil :)

R-L-A-George

#33

R-L-A-George said:

Amusing article, though Pinky would of been more suited than Inky. She's a hopeless romantic that has a thing for pac-man. LOL.

Wamtu

#35

Wamtu said:

Aw, no Eggman? Oh well. These were so silly. How the heck did you come up with so many jokes?

Also, Dr. Wily likes Robot Wars! I guess he has some good taste.

eviLaTtenDant

#37

eviLaTtenDant said:

This is the reason to look forward to Valentine's Day every year.
Never stop, @Chicken_Brutus, never stop! At least not as long as LeChuck doesn't send you his dating profile. Actually never stop until every Ninty character got his own profile. :*

Funny_Moblin

#38

Funny_Moblin said:

HAHAHAHA, PHILIP J. REED, I GIVE YOU A HAND FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO CONSTRUCT SUCH HUMOUROUS DETAILS WITHIN THESE VIDEO GAME VILLAINS!

The one that got me actually laughing so hard was the part when Kamek said he wishes to have a wand more powerful than one that releases geometric shapes!! And then the part that topped it all off...wait for it...WHERE WAS IT MANUFACTURED, SESAME STREET!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOLQ AHAHAHAHA!!!

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