News Article

Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love

Posted by Philip J Reed

The Moon

Crushin' On You

About me: I am an arguably sentient hunk of dense grey stone that is set to destroy the whole of human civilization in 72 hours. If that's not incentive to respond to my dating profile quickly, I don't know what is. Also please don't judge me too harshly by my profile pictograph; I always end up pulling a daft face when someone takes out their Picto Box.

Location: Increasingly nearer the surface of Termina

Ethnicity: Satellite

Hair: Grass on the field

Eyes: Crying Moon's Tears of loneliness

Occupation: Synchronous Rotation

I would like to meet: Someone who will be a little nicer to me...I'm tired of being called Craterface. I want a woman who will steer me right, and by that I mean "not directly into a planet."

I like to play the following sports: Demolition Derby, Antagonistic Pants-Dropping

My exercise regime consists of: Affecting people's moods with my gravitational pull. Being ridden like a jockey by a duck-billed scarecrow who wishes to punish an entire world for his sadness. Man, I just made myself depressed...

My favourite music: "C'e la Luna" by Louis Prima, "Like the Moon" by John Scofield, "Killed by the Moon" by John Scofield on the Fourth Day. Also the Inverted Song of Time, so we can spend more time together.

My favourite movie: Armageddon, Apocalypse Now, Apocalypse Three Days From Now, The Moon Who Fell to Earth, and that one movie where Bill Murray keeps reliving the same events over and over but gets to keep any masks he's collected.

My favourite TV show: Lunar Tunes

My dream is to: I have too many to list...my head's been in the clouds lately.

On a first date I'd like to: Take things slowly, and appreciate you from afar. I've been burned before — mainly from penetrating Termina's atmosphere — and I just don't understand the need to move so quickly. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I take a great deal of pride in my approach, and I want to make sure I do it right. It may seem like I'm hanging back, not moving, but remember I'm just proceeding any own pace.

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User Comments (40)

Norfair

#3

Norfair said:

Ganondorf, obviously. Who wouldn't want that wicked man of the desert?

Void

#4

Void said:

I think Philip should write things like this more than a few times a year.

LordJumpMad

#10

LordJumpMad said:

That love logo should be on the front page of NintendoLife logo, just to spice things up~

C-Olimar

#13

C-Olimar said:

The Koopalings aren't Bowser's kids, only Bowser Jr. is.

“Our current story is that the seven Koopalings are not Bowser’s children. Bower’s only child is Bowser Jr. and we don’t know who the the mother is.” - Miyamoto.

I'm such a killjoy :-/

Great pages :D

DashChargedShot

#16

DashChargedShot said:

Yes, you really should've had Medusa or Hades in here, that would've made this all the more funny.

BTW Tingle from last year still is the best page~

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#17

Philip_J_Reed said:

Medusa just missed the cut! I started that one but wouldn't have had it done in time. :(

Next year?

/me doesn't know what to make of how many people are surprised Ganon(dorf) is single.

Moorpheel

#20

Moorpheel said:

"Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last."

Genius.

sinalefa

#26

sinalefa said:

I would be surprised if Ganondorf was married, actually. He can have any Gerudo girl he wants, so he would not do for a particularly loyal husband. And no Gerudo girl would do for a particularly tolerant wife.

Aqueous

#27

Aqueous said:

Oh Philip, I wasn't expecting you to do another of these. Thank you for the laughs. I enjoyed the Doctor, Ganondorf and The Ghost from Pacman in particular

Rosalina

#28

Rosalina said:

Dis arteecle iz so phunny... But seriously, I like it very much. Not bad.
Too bad I barely read, I didn't even finish reading the first page.

Jaz007

#29

Jaz007 said:

Brilliance. But come on, no girls (mother brain doesn't count).
We had a lack last year too with only samus. Us guys need someone for valintines day too. Now I will have to be alone since my internet date plan failed.

KiwiPanda

#30

KiwiPanda said:

King Dedede:
"Mate for life. My carefully cultivated flab can keep our baby warm while you venture out blindly into the tundra to find and gather enough food to keep all three of us alive, because that's certainly fair."
I thought I had seen the best last year, but this stuff is brilliant! These features are the things you can't find at other sites and what makes NL great, and it's good to see more being made. Great job, Chicken :3

James

#32

James said:

Has it really been a year since the first one..? Good work again Phil :)

R-L-A-George

#33

R-L-A-George said:

Amusing article, though Pinky would of been more suited than Inky. She's a hopeless romantic that has a thing for pac-man. LOL.

Wamtu

#35

Wamtu said:

Aw, no Eggman? Oh well. These were so silly. How the heck did you come up with so many jokes?

Also, Dr. Wily likes Robot Wars! I guess he has some good taste.

LeasTwanteD

#37

LeasTwanteD said:

This is the reason to look forward to Valentine's Day every year.
Never stop, @Chicken_Brutus, never stop! At least not as long as LeChuck doesn't send you his dating profile. Actually never stop until every Ninty character got his own profile. :*

Funny_Moblin

#39

Funny_Moblin said:

HAHAHAHA, PHILIP J. REED, I GIVE YOU A HAND FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO CONSTRUCT SUCH HUMOUROUS DETAILS WITHIN THESE VIDEO GAME VILLAINS!

The one that got me actually laughing so hard was the part when Kamek said he wishes to have a wand more powerful than one that releases geometric shapes!! And then the part that topped it all off...wait for it...WHERE WAS IT MANUFACTURED, SESAME STREET!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOLQ AHAHAHAHA!!!

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