Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Crushin' On You
About me: I am an arguably sentient hunk of dense grey stone that is set to destroy the whole of human civilization in 72 hours. If that's not incentive to respond to my dating profile quickly, I don't know what is. Also please don't judge me too harshly by my profile pictograph; I always end up pulling a daft face when someone takes out their Picto Box.
Location: Increasingly nearer the surface of Termina
Hair: Grass on the field
Eyes: Crying Moon's Tears of loneliness
Occupation: Synchronous Rotation
I would like to meet: Someone who will be a little nicer to me...I'm tired of being called Craterface. I want a woman who will steer me right, and by that I mean "not directly into a planet."
I like to play the following sports: Demolition Derby, Antagonistic Pants-Dropping
My exercise regime consists of: Affecting people's moods with my gravitational pull. Being ridden like a jockey by a duck-billed scarecrow who wishes to punish an entire world for his sadness. Man, I just made myself depressed...
My favourite music: "C'e la Luna" by Louis Prima, "Like the Moon" by John Scofield, "Killed by the Moon" by John Scofield on the Fourth Day. Also the Inverted Song of Time, so we can spend more time together.
My favourite movie: Armageddon, Apocalypse Now, Apocalypse Three Days From Now, The Moon Who Fell to Earth, and that one movie where Bill Murray keeps reliving the same events over and over but gets to keep any masks he's collected.
My favourite TV show: Lunar Tunes
My dream is to: I have too many to list...my head's been in the clouds lately.
On a first date I'd like to: Take things slowly, and appreciate you from afar. I've been burned before — mainly from penetrating Termina's atmosphere — and I just don't understand the need to move so quickly. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I take a great deal of pride in my approach, and I want to make sure I do it right. It may seem like I'm hanging back, not moving, but remember I'm just proceeding any own pace.