Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Double, Double, My Love Life's in Trouble
About me: I am Bowser's number two, though I should probably come up with a different way to phrase that. I fly around all day on a broom cackling madly to myself, because that's easier than actually developing me as a character.
Location: Yoshi's Island
Hair: No way. Don't you know the story of the tortoise and the hair?
I would like to meet: You as a baby, so I can determine if you will grow up to become a threat. If so I would orchestrate a kidnapping by some incompetent Shy Guys on an island inhabited by heroic dinosaurs. That's sure to end well.
I like to play the following sports: Spelling Bees
My exercise regime consists of: Swooping in just when you thought you finished the final boss, but making him bigger or something. It'd probably be a better use of my powers to remove the big red button that makes the boss fall into the lava and die but...wait a minute. There is no but. Why do I not do that?!
My favourite music: "Magic Man" by Heart, "Season of the Witch" by Donovan, "Season of the Turtle in a Blue Bathrobe" by Donokoopa, "Witchcraft" by Frank Sinatra, "Papercraft" by The Sticker Stars. Also "The Final Countdown." It's sort of my theme song!
My favourite movie: Magicians, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Wizard of Oz
My favourite TV show: I don't watch much television as I prefer to read from my large, personal collection of classic literature. Yes, you heard me right: I'm a big fan of Kamek books.
My dream is to: Find a magic wand that fires something more intimidating than basic geometric shapes, like it's Baby's First Enchanted Scepter. Seriously, where was this thing manufactured? Sesame Street?
On a first date I'd like to: Pull a coin out of your ear, guess your card, produce a rabbit from a hat, and make one of your houseplants grow real big and snap at you until you throw enough eggs at it.