Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Allow Me to Transplant Myself Into It?
About me: I'm a pretty narrow-minded individual, as I've spent the past 27 years in a glass tube trying to take over the known universe. Of course my standard approach — sealing myself in an underground cavern and hoping that somehow it just happens — might be slightly flawed. I also very stupidly signed away the rights for someone to make an animated series about my life...little did I know they'd have me hanging out with a fat boxer and an eggplant, attempting to murder teenagers. I was mainly offended by how they drew me, however. I looked like somebody melted Blanche from The Golden Girls. Everyone knows I'm much more of a Dorothy!
Occupation: HNIC (Head Neurotransmitter In Charge)
I would like to meet: Krang from the Ninja Turtles. He's got a great bod. Also Inspector Gadget's dog, because I'd like to take care of him. Yes, that's right, I would literally mother Brain.
I like to play the following sports: I'm big into Chess, Othello, Mastermind, and other brain games
My exercise regime consists of: Being blown up by missiles while deadly Spaghetti-Os swarm uselessly around.
My favourite music: "Where is My Mind?" by The Pixies, "It's Over Here in This Jar," by The Response to That Question, anything by Blondie, and anything but "Mother Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd
My favourite movie: The Atomic Brain, Jarhead, Mother Jugged & Speed Booster
My favourite TV show: Futurama, and that episode of Red Dwarf where Lister is a brain in a jar because that, for some impossible-to-know reason, resonates with me.
My dream is to: Conquer the galaxy through biological warfare. However I'm restricted pretty heavily by the fact that my army consists of barely-sentient cockroach monsters with guns. I did once have my consciousness imprinted on an attractive blonde scientist, but that happened in the same game as Samus wetting herself so you may not have played that far.
On a first date I'd like to: Synthesize flying jellyfish to take over your planet. But that doesn't mean we won't get along.