News Article

Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love

Posted by Philip J Reed

Dr. Wily

My Scheme For Romantic Domination Has Faild!

About me: I CREATED ROBOT INTELLIGENCE. Do NOT believe Dr. Light when he says that it was him. That two-bit Santa Claus impersonator wouldn't be ANYTHING without the work of Dr. Albert Wily. It was ME who brought the entire field of robotics into the 2Xth century, NOT THAT ELMER FUDD SOUNDING NOBODY. I know you don't believe me, because I personally tried to kill you along with the rest of humanity, but you know what mode of transportation I built with my own two hands? A U.F.O. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And what did Dr. Light build for boy wonder over there? A piece of hard candy that climbs walls. AND IT TOOK HIM TWO GAMES TO DO THAT MUCH. He's pathetic!

Location: Undisclosed, even though it's a giant skull with "Dr. W" written on it.

Ethnicity: German

Hair: Touch of Grey

Eyes: Crazed

Occupation: Mad Scientist

I would like to meet: Someone who understands that real genius doesn't lie in one's accomplishments, one's legacy, or even the love that one has brought into the world. No, real genius is found in dozens upon dozens of failed bids for world domination. That is the true measure of a man's worth, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also someone who likes Matlock, ribbon candy, prunes, and my constant references to being old.

I like to play the following sports: Extreme Groveling

My exercise regime consists of: Building new, gigantic fortresses from scratch every year or so; flailing around in some machine's cockpit while a little boy in blue pajamas kills me with the weakest weapon in the game.

My favourite music: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears, "Old Man" by Neil Young, "That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine" by Gene Autry, "Grow Old and Take Over the World With Me," by Evil John Lennon

My favourite movie: Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, Grumpiest Old Men Who Make Robots Go Nuts And Kill Everyone

My favourite TV show: Old Roadrunner cartoons, Robot Wars, The Real Housewives of Skullcrusher Mountain

My dream is to: Take over the world with an army of robots that are armed with the most deadly weapons imaginable, such as light bulbs, tops, and flower petals.

On a first date I'd like to: Take you for a spin in my giant shambling crab robot with two sewing needles instead of legs. I also think this relationship should move pretty quickly, especially if you are a gold digger who intends to marry me because I'm rich and should die soon. These endless waves of robot masters and elaborate lairs drain the bank account faster than you might think.

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User Comments (40)



Norfair said:

Ganondorf, obviously. Who wouldn't want that wicked man of the desert?



Void said:

I think Philip should write things like this more than a few times a year.



LordJumpMad said:

That love logo should be on the front page of NintendoLife logo, just to spice things up~



C-Olimar said:

The Koopalings aren't Bowser's kids, only Bowser Jr. is.

“Our current story is that the seven Koopalings are not Bowser’s children. Bower’s only child is Bowser Jr. and we don’t know who the the mother is.” - Miyamoto.

I'm such a killjoy :-/

Great pages



New_3DaSh_XL said:

Yes, you really should've had Medusa or Hades in here, that would've made this all the more funny.

BTW Tingle from last year still is the best page~



Philip_J_Reed said:

Medusa just missed the cut! I started that one but wouldn't have had it done in time.

Next year?

/me doesn't know what to make of how many people are surprised Ganon(dorf) is single.



Morpheel said:

"Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last."




sinalefa said:

I would be surprised if Ganondorf was married, actually. He can have any Gerudo girl he wants, so he would not do for a particularly loyal husband. And no Gerudo girl would do for a particularly tolerant wife.



Aqueous said:

Oh Philip, I wasn't expecting you to do another of these. Thank you for the laughs. I enjoyed the Doctor, Ganondorf and The Ghost from Pacman in particular



Shirma_Akayaku said:

Dis arteecle iz so phunny... But seriously, I like it very much. Not bad.
Too bad I barely read, I didn't even finish reading the first page.



Jaz007 said:

Brilliance. But come on, no girls (mother brain doesn't count).
We had a lack last year too with only samus. Us guys need someone for valintines day too. Now I will have to be alone since my internet date plan failed.



KiwiPanda said:

King Dedede:
"Mate for life. My carefully cultivated flab can keep our baby warm while you venture out blindly into the tundra to find and gather enough food to keep all three of us alive, because that's certainly fair."
I thought I had seen the best last year, but this stuff is brilliant! These features are the things you can't find at other sites and what makes NL great, and it's good to see more being made. Great job, Chicken :3



James said:

Has it really been a year since the first one..? Good work again Phil



R-L-A-George said:

Amusing article, though Pinky would of been more suited than Inky. She's a hopeless romantic that has a thing for pac-man. LOL.



WAM2 said:

Aw, no Eggman? Oh well. These were so silly. How the heck did you come up with so many jokes?

Also, Dr. Wily likes Robot Wars! I guess he has some good taste.



alLabouTandroiD said:

This is the reason to look forward to Valentine's Day every year.
Never stop, @Chicken_Brutus, never stop! At least not as long as LeChuck doesn't send you his dating profile. Actually never stop until every Ninty character got his own profile.



Funny_Moblin said:


The one that got me actually laughing so hard was the part when Kamek said he wishes to have a wand more powerful than one that releases geometric shapes!! And then the part that topped it all off...wait for it...WHERE WAS IT MANUFACTURED, SESAME STREET!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOLQ AHAHAHAHA!!!

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