Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
Dr. Wily
My Scheme For Romantic Domination Has Faild!
About me: I CREATED ROBOT INTELLIGENCE. Do NOT believe Dr. Light when he says that it was him. That two-bit Santa Claus impersonator wouldn't be ANYTHING without the work of Dr. Albert Wily. It was ME who brought the entire field of robotics into the 2Xth century, NOT THAT ELMER FUDD SOUNDING NOBODY. I know you don't believe me, because I personally tried to kill you along with the rest of humanity, but you know what mode of transportation I built with my own two hands? A U.F.O. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And what did Dr. Light build for boy wonder over there? A piece of hard candy that climbs walls. AND IT TOOK HIM TWO GAMES TO DO THAT MUCH. He's pathetic!
Location: Undisclosed, even though it's a giant skull with "Dr. W" written on it.
Ethnicity: German
Hair: Touch of Grey
Eyes: Crazed
Occupation: Mad Scientist
I would like to meet: Someone who understands that real genius doesn't lie in one's accomplishments, one's legacy, or even the love that one has brought into the world. No, real genius is found in dozens upon dozens of failed bids for world domination. That is the true measure of a man's worth, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also someone who likes Matlock, ribbon candy, prunes, and my constant references to being old.
I like to play the following sports: Extreme Groveling
My exercise regime consists of: Building new, gigantic fortresses from scratch every year or so; flailing around in some machine's cockpit while a little boy in blue pajamas kills me with the weakest weapon in the game.
My favourite music: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears, "Old Man" by Neil Young, "That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine" by Gene Autry, "Grow Old and Take Over the World With Me," by Evil John Lennon
My favourite movie: Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, Grumpiest Old Men Who Make Robots Go Nuts And Kill Everyone
My favourite TV show: Old Roadrunner cartoons, Robot Wars, The Real Housewives of Skullcrusher Mountain
My dream is to: Take over the world with an army of robots that are armed with the most deadly weapons imaginable, such as light bulbs, tops, and flower petals.
On a first date I'd like to: Take you for a spin in my giant shambling crab robot with two sewing needles instead of legs. I also think this relationship should move pretty quickly, especially if you are a gold digger who intends to marry me because I'm rich and should die soon. These endless waves of robot masters and elaborate lairs drain the bank account faster than you might think.
#1
Chrysanthemum said:
Ha Ha! lol!
#2
Ideal_Hero said:
@Chicken - These pages were pure genius! Kudos to you!
#3
Norfair said:
Ganondorf, obviously. Who wouldn't want that wicked man of the desert?
#4
Void said:
I think Philip should write things like this more than a few times a year.
#5
True_Hero said:
Yeah! The Doctor made it in!
Well done, Mr. Chicken.
#6
Wii_Win said:
The Doctor is BOSS. Very well done.
#7
squashie said:
Snazzy logo!
#8
XXIV said:
Funny, but it lacks Medusa.
#9
Marakuto said:
Magikoopa, you'll have a magical moment.
#10
LordJumpMad said:
That love logo should be on the front page of NintendoLife logo, just to spice things up~
#11
neumaus said:
How can someone like Ganon still be single?
#12
MattEriks said:
how can Ganaondorf be singe? arent he the only gerudo male?
#13
C-Olimar said:
The Koopalings aren't Bowser's kids, only Bowser Jr. is.
“Our current story is that the seven Koopalings are not Bowser’s children. Bower’s only child is Bowser Jr. and we don’t know who the the mother is.” - Miyamoto.
I'm such a killjoy :-/
Great pages
#14
DeviousSnorlax said:
Why is Gannondorf single?
Still,Not Bad.
#15
Linkuini said:
That's some good rapid-fire comedy. So many bad puns!
#16
3Dash said:
Yes, you really should've had Medusa or Hades in here, that would've made this all the more funny.
BTW Tingle from last year still is the best page~
#17
Philip_J_Reed said:
Medusa just missed the cut! I started that one but wouldn't have had it done in time.
Next year?
/me doesn't know what to make of how many people are surprised Ganon(dorf) is single.
#18
3Dash said:
@Philip Yeah, just as long as we see her sometime!
On another note, that year really passed fast...
#19
Pikminsi said:
Wow that was hilarious! I really like the Moon's
#20
Morphtorok said:
"Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last."
Genius.
#21
ngamer155 said:
I CREATED ROBOT INTELLIGENCE. Heck yeah I did!
#22
Locke_Highwind said:
That weird moment when nintendolife makes better jokes than dorkly
#23
zoroarkrules25 said:
This was hilarious, nicely done nintendolife.
#24
treeofmana said:
Brilliant!
#25
SheldonRandoms said:
But what about Mr.Game & Watch, I'm surprised he's still single, why is there no Mrs.Game & Watch?
#26
sinalefa said:
I would be surprised if Ganondorf was married, actually. He can have any Gerudo girl he wants, so he would not do for a particularly loyal husband. And no Gerudo girl would do for a particularly tolerant wife.
#27
Aqueous said:
Oh Philip, I wasn't expecting you to do another of these. Thank you for the laughs. I enjoyed the Doctor, Ganondorf and The Ghost from Pacman in particular
#28
Ulala said:
Dis arteecle iz so phunny... But seriously, I like it very much. Not bad.
Too bad I barely read, I didn't even finish reading the first page.
#29
Jaz007 said:
Brilliance. But come on, no girls (mother brain doesn't count).
We had a lack last year too with only samus. Us guys need someone for valintines day too. Now I will have to be alone since my internet date plan failed.
#30
RedPanda said:
King Dedede:
"Mate for life. My carefully cultivated flab can keep our baby warm while you venture out blindly into the tundra to find and gather enough food to keep all three of us alive, because that's certainly fair."
I thought I had seen the best last year, but this stuff is brilliant! These features are the things you can't find at other sites and what makes NL great, and it's good to see more being made. Great job, Chicken :3
#31
Capt_N said:
Awesome work, Awesome Read, @Phillip: !
#32
James said:
Has it really been a year since the first one..? Good work again Phil
#33
R-L-A-George said:
Amusing article, though Pinky would of been more suited than Inky. She's a hopeless romantic that has a thing for pac-man. LOL.
#34
Banker-Style said:
Mad my day
#35
Wamtu said:
Aw, no Eggman? Oh well. These were so silly. How the heck did you come up with so many jokes?
Also, Dr. Wily likes Robot Wars! I guess he has some good taste.
#36
DimensionRaven said:
This was a thoroughly entertaining read! Dedede and Kamek happened to be my favourites!
#37
beatalLiToaD said:
This is the reason to look forward to Valentine's Day every year.
Never stop, @Chicken_Brutus, never stop! At least not as long as LeChuck doesn't send you his dating profile. Actually never stop until every Ninty character got his own profile.
#38
Happy_Mask said:
Witty as always Chicken. :3
these are way too much fun to read...
#39
Funny_Moblin said:
HAHAHAHA, PHILIP J. REED, I GIVE YOU A HAND FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO CONSTRUCT SUCH HUMOUROUS DETAILS WITHIN THESE VIDEO GAME VILLAINS!
The one that got me actually laughing so hard was the part when Kamek said he wishes to have a wand more powerful than one that releases geometric shapes!! And then the part that topped it all off...wait for it...WHERE WAS IT MANUFACTURED, SESAME STREET!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOLQ AHAHAHAHA!!!
#40
Sun said:
NL about Bowser: 'My favourite movie: Taken, Taken 2'
LOL