Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
My Scheme For Romantic Domination Has Faild!
About me: I CREATED ROBOT INTELLIGENCE. Do NOT believe Dr. Light when he says that it was him. That two-bit Santa Claus impersonator wouldn't be ANYTHING without the work of Dr. Albert Wily. It was ME who brought the entire field of robotics into the 2Xth century, NOT THAT ELMER FUDD SOUNDING NOBODY. I know you don't believe me, because I personally tried to kill you along with the rest of humanity, but you know what mode of transportation I built with my own two hands? A U.F.O. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And what did Dr. Light build for boy wonder over there? A piece of hard candy that climbs walls. AND IT TOOK HIM TWO GAMES TO DO THAT MUCH. He's pathetic!
Location: Undisclosed, even though it's a giant skull with "Dr. W" written on it.
Hair: Touch of Grey
Occupation: Mad Scientist
I would like to meet: Someone who understands that real genius doesn't lie in one's accomplishments, one's legacy, or even the love that one has brought into the world. No, real genius is found in dozens upon dozens of failed bids for world domination. That is the true measure of a man's worth, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also someone who likes Matlock, ribbon candy, prunes, and my constant references to being old.
I like to play the following sports: Extreme Groveling
My exercise regime consists of: Building new, gigantic fortresses from scratch every year or so; flailing around in some machine's cockpit while a little boy in blue pajamas kills me with the weakest weapon in the game.
My favourite music: "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears, "Old Man" by Neil Young, "That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine" by Gene Autry, "Grow Old and Take Over the World With Me," by Evil John Lennon
My favourite movie: Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, Grumpiest Old Men Who Make Robots Go Nuts And Kill Everyone
My favourite TV show: Old Roadrunner cartoons, Robot Wars, The Real Housewives of Skullcrusher Mountain
My dream is to: Take over the world with an army of robots that are armed with the most deadly weapons imaginable, such as light bulbs, tops, and flower petals.
On a first date I'd like to: Take you for a spin in my giant shambling crab robot with two sewing needles instead of legs. I also think this relationship should move pretty quickly, especially if you are a gold digger who intends to marry me because I'm rich and should die soon. These endless waves of robot masters and elaborate lairs drain the bank account faster than you might think.