Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love
Posted by Philip J Reed
If This Dating Profile Doesn't Work, I'll Try Force
About me: I am Ganon, the Prince of Thieves, and I will eventually inherit this very land. And by "inherit" I mean "take forcibly and raze to the ground." I belong to the biologically confusing Gerudo tribe, to which one male child is born every one hundred years. Even so I have trouble finding a date, since you have no idea how intimidating it is to go out with gymnastic swordmasters who will slice your head off at the first sign of disagreement. Until recently I was dating a great girl, but she was just way too dumb. I don't want to be harsh, but she was a real goron. Anyway, in other words, RELATIONSHIP OVER RETURN OF GANON.
Hair: Red cornrows. What am I, a Scottish basketball star?
Eyes: Inconsistent between appearances
Occupation: Ultimate Manifestation of All the World's Evil and / or warthog in a sweater vest
I would like to meet: Tim Conway, so I can banish him forever to the Sacred Realm. He's the reason I had to drop "Dorf" from my name.
I like to play the following sports: Fencing, Energy-Ball Tennis, Speed Reincarnating
My exercise regime consists of: Horseback riding, monarch duping, being stabbed through the head by children in Peter Pan Underoos.
My favourite music: "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads, "I've Got the Triforce of Power" by Snap!, "King in a Gerudo Style" by Hyrule Crisis, "Rupee Tuesday" by The Rolling Stones
My favourite movie: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Robin Williams: Prince of Awful Movies, Hyrule Field of Dreams
My favourite TV show: Dragnet, Moblin Wives, Bobby's Dark World. Oh and The Underwater Dick Van Dyke Show. I've got such a crush on Zora Petrie.
My dream is to: Usurp the throne from its rightful heir, who then throws a magical ocarina to a little elf guy while I make no attempt to stop her.
On a first date I'd like to: Show you my extensive collection of priceless artwork, and jump from painting to painting while you stand there baffled. Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last.