News Article

Feature: Video Game Characters Looking For Love

Posted by Philip J Reed

Ganon

If This Dating Profile Doesn't Work, I'll Try Force

About me: I am Ganon, the Prince of Thieves, and I will eventually inherit this very land. And by "inherit" I mean "take forcibly and raze to the ground." I belong to the biologically confusing Gerudo tribe, to which one male child is born every one hundred years. Even so I have trouble finding a date, since you have no idea how intimidating it is to go out with gymnastic swordmasters who will slice your head off at the first sign of disagreement. Until recently I was dating a great girl, but she was just way too dumb. I don't want to be harsh, but she was a real goron. Anyway, in other words, RELATIONSHIP OVER RETURN OF GANON.

Location: Hyrule

Ethnicity: Gerudo

Hair: Red cornrows. What am I, a Scottish basketball star?

Eyes: Inconsistent between appearances

Occupation: Ultimate Manifestation of All the World's Evil and / or warthog in a sweater vest

I would like to meet: Tim Conway, so I can banish him forever to the Sacred Realm. He's the reason I had to drop "Dorf" from my name.

I like to play the following sports: Fencing, Energy-Ball Tennis, Speed Reincarnating

My exercise regime consists of: Horseback riding, monarch duping, being stabbed through the head by children in Peter Pan Underoos.

My favourite music: "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads, "I've Got the Triforce of Power" by Snap!, "King in a Gerudo Style" by Hyrule Crisis, "Rupee Tuesday" by The Rolling Stones

My favourite movie: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Robin Williams: Prince of Awful Movies, Hyrule Field of Dreams

My favourite TV show: Dragnet, Moblin Wives, Bobby's Dark World. Oh and The Underwater Dick Van Dyke Show. I've got such a crush on Zora Petrie.

My dream is to: Usurp the throne from its rightful heir, who then throws a magical ocarina to a little elf guy while I make no attempt to stop her.

On a first date I'd like to: Show you my extensive collection of priceless artwork, and jump from painting to painting while you stand there baffled. Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last. ;)

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User Comments (39)

Norfair

#3

Norfair said:

Ganondorf, obviously. Who wouldn't want that wicked man of the desert?

Void

#4

Void said:

I think Philip should write things like this more than a few times a year.

LordJumpMad

#10

LordJumpMad said:

That love logo should be on the front page of NintendoLife logo, just to spice things up~

C-Olimar

#13

C-Olimar said:

The Koopalings aren't Bowser's kids, only Bowser Jr. is.

“Our current story is that the seven Koopalings are not Bowser’s children. Bower’s only child is Bowser Jr. and we don’t know who the the mother is.” - Miyamoto.

I'm such a killjoy :-/

Great pages :D

Dashtag

#16

Dashtag said:

Yes, you really should've had Medusa or Hades in here, that would've made this all the more funny.

BTW Tingle from last year still is the best page~

Philip_J_ReedStaff

#17

Philip_J_Reed said:

Medusa just missed the cut! I started that one but wouldn't have had it done in time. :(

Next year?

/me doesn't know what to make of how many people are surprised Ganon(dorf) is single.

Morphbug

#20

Morphbug said:

"Or maybe take you out for some Chateau Romani...if you really want the magic to last."

Genius.

sinalefa

#26

sinalefa said:

I would be surprised if Ganondorf was married, actually. He can have any Gerudo girl he wants, so he would not do for a particularly loyal husband. And no Gerudo girl would do for a particularly tolerant wife.

Aqueous

#27

Aqueous said:

Oh Philip, I wasn't expecting you to do another of these. Thank you for the laughs. I enjoyed the Doctor, Ganondorf and The Ghost from Pacman in particular

Shirma_Akayaku

#28

Shirma_Akayaku said:

Dis arteecle iz so phunny... But seriously, I like it very much. Not bad.
Too bad I barely read, I didn't even finish reading the first page.

Jaz007

#29

Jaz007 said:

Brilliance. But come on, no girls (mother brain doesn't count).
We had a lack last year too with only samus. Us guys need someone for valintines day too. Now I will have to be alone since my internet date plan failed.

KiwiPanda

#30

KiwiPanda said:

King Dedede:
"Mate for life. My carefully cultivated flab can keep our baby warm while you venture out blindly into the tundra to find and gather enough food to keep all three of us alive, because that's certainly fair."
I thought I had seen the best last year, but this stuff is brilliant! These features are the things you can't find at other sites and what makes NL great, and it's good to see more being made. Great job, Chicken :3

James

#32

James said:

Has it really been a year since the first one..? Good work again Phil :)

R-L-A-George

#33

R-L-A-George said:

Amusing article, though Pinky would of been more suited than Inky. She's a hopeless romantic that has a thing for pac-man. LOL.

Wamtu

#35

Wamtu said:

Aw, no Eggman? Oh well. These were so silly. How the heck did you come up with so many jokes?

Also, Dr. Wily likes Robot Wars! I guess he has some good taste.

eviLaTtenDant

#37

eviLaTtenDant said:

This is the reason to look forward to Valentine's Day every year.
Never stop, @Chicken_Brutus, never stop! At least not as long as LeChuck doesn't send you his dating profile. Actually never stop until every Ninty character got his own profile. :*

Funny_Moblin

#38

Funny_Moblin said:

HAHAHAHA, PHILIP J. REED, I GIVE YOU A HAND FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO CONSTRUCT SUCH HUMOUROUS DETAILS WITHIN THESE VIDEO GAME VILLAINS!

The one that got me actually laughing so hard was the part when Kamek said he wishes to have a wand more powerful than one that releases geometric shapes!! And then the part that topped it all off...wait for it...WHERE WAS IT MANUFACTURED, SESAME STREET!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOLQ AHAHAHAHA!!!

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