Adam Malkovich
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About Me: This is Commander Adam Malkovich speaking. I am broadcasting this message in the hopes that it will reach a weakwilled blonde woman with father issues. Any will do. Anachronistic pixie cuts a plus. I don't usually have difficulty meeting women, but my recent disintegration into a swirl of cosmic ash has had a negative impact on my social life. Regardless of the fact that you still have a body and regardless of how nice it might look in the Zero Suit I outrank you, and I command that you respect that. I am looking for a woman who will serve as my equal in all ways apart from intellectually, financially, creatively, socially, or any other way. Also, dinner is served promptly at seven, if you know what's good for you.
Location: Scattered around Cosmos Region A47
Ethnicity: Militant
Hair: Straight as an arrow
Eyes: 2/5, sexist
Occupation: Commander in the Galactic Federation
I would like to meet: Someone who understands her place. I've had a difficult life and have become somewhat cold as a result. Even my old coworkers noticed it back when it was my job to euthanize stray dogs. I remember one afternoon when the dog catcher brought us two of them. They were sweethearts, I could tell. The brown Cocker Spaniel had a collar with identification, so she was fine. The problem was her boyfriend...that grey mutt. A real mangy thing. I had no choice. It didn't matter how much they were in love; it was my job to put him down. Just before injecting him I turned to the Spaniel and asked, "Any objections, Lady?" It was the best Christmas of my life.
I like to play the following sports: I pitch. You catch.
My exercise regime consists of: Relentless belittling, dehumanizing, and domination. Doesn't mean we can't have fun, though.
My favourite music: "Listen to What the Man Said" by Paul McCartney. "Cosmik Debris" by Frank Zappa.
My favourite movies: Being Adam Malkovich, The Stepford Wives, 50 Shades of Gray, Secretary
My favourite TV shows: The New Adventures of Old Christine Which Are Entirely Dictated by Me
My dream is to: Escape this computer and find a body again. Oh, did I forget to mention I'm a computer now? The logic behind the whole reincarnation-as-AI thing is a bit ropey and obviously not something anybody really thought through, but, yeah, I'm still basically myself. My knowledge and personality are entirely intact, and if I didn't display flying toasters every time you left the mouse alone for five minutes you'd never know I wasn't real.
On a first date I'd like to: Explain to you my no doubt well-informed and even-handed thoughts on issues of gender equality.
Comments 29
High scores...silly...
I think King Boo will be getting a reply very soon from @WiiUseeker
That old man eerily types like my old teacher in Pharmacology...
shudders
That's great! Very well written! I really like the Old Man one though.
Fire man can't jump. That was funny joke.
I love the Old Man's profile. So good
Funny, the only thing I could think about is that Adam is dead, and Dracula became what he is because his love is dead, so he wouldn't ever date.
If people wanna do this roleplaying stuff, they should at least put more effort into it. /nitpick
Tom Nook favorite music is "Big Balls". I know why they put that there thanks to Gaijin Goombah, but "Big Balls"...
@Djreisat Ironically that was intended as one of the cleanest jokes. Dating services often promise a 'match guarantee', so it's a riff on that
The adam malkovitch thing.... So true
The nook thing sounds significantly more Democrat than it does Republican but hey - different country!
Ha ha! The Old Man and the Neal Young reference!
you wanna see a video game character looking for love? click my profile here and check my backloggery.
@jakysnakydx
Lol! I was thinking the same thing.
"SHOW THIS TO THE OLD WOMAN. WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M FORWARD."
I can't breathe
When I saw the old man here, all I could think of was this:
"Which of these lonely hearts would you like to snuggle up next to on this fine, enchanted evening?
None of them. Your answer should be none of them."
Wrong. The answer is, of course, the legendary Heropon himself, Riki.
10/10 softness, would rub belly.
Gotta be a rough life being a toad. 100s of guys and just the one toadette, and the captain almost lost her!
"That's when I realized that it's true what they say: nothing cheers a man up like a nice pair of Boo bees"
Been looking forward to this @Philip_J_Reed, I think it's the funniest one yet. Hope you've got another on the horizon for next year.
@jakysnakydx @JellySplat You mean Republicans aren't old money-grabbing raccoons that only watch Fox News?
Otacon!
@Squid hey now, no need to be all political here. These are games, not reality.
@Resh Oh my God XD
Loving seeing this yearly feature.
@Squid
I have about eighteen different retorts for you, but because I want to be respectfull, and I would rather keep politics out of this, I'm not going to say anything.
Have a good one fellow Nintendo fan!
The troll on page 9 I got to ignore, so I like that Captain Toad got a mention.
The terror that flaps in the night? Isn't that Darkwing Duck?
@EllenJMiller Too bad Riki is married with about a dozen kids.
How dare you kill off a beloved Disney character!
Anyway, another excellent edition this year, although Adam's sexist remarks were a little over the top, and it could've done without the extensive setups just to provide lame puns.
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