We'll get on great if you do as I say

Adam Malkovich

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About Me: This is Commander Adam Malkovich speaking. I am broadcasting this message in the hopes that it will reach a weak­willed blonde woman with father issues. Any will do. Anachronistic pixie cuts a plus. I don't usually have difficulty meeting women, but my recent disintegration into a swirl of cosmic ash has had a negative impact on my social life. Regardless of the fact that you still have a body ­­ and regardless of how nice it might look in the Zero Suit ­­ I outrank you, and I command that you respect that. I am looking for a woman who will serve as my equal in all ways apart from intellectually, financially, creatively, socially, or any other way. Also, dinner is served promptly at seven, if you know what's good for you.

Location: Scattered around Cosmos Region A47

Ethnicity: Militant

Hair: Straight as an arrow

Eyes: 2/5, sexist

Occupation: Commander in the Galactic Federation

I would like to meet: Someone who understands her place. I've had a difficult life and have become somewhat cold as a result. Even my old coworkers noticed it back when it was my job to euthanize stray dogs. I remember one afternoon when the dog catcher brought us two of them. They were sweethearts, I could tell. The brown Cocker Spaniel had a collar with identification, so she was fine. The problem was her boyfriend...that grey mutt. A real mangy thing. I had no choice. It didn't matter how much they were in love; it was my job to put him down. Just before injecting him I turned to the Spaniel and asked, "Any objections, Lady?" It was the best Christmas of my life.

I like to play the following sports: I pitch. You catch.

My exercise regime consists of: Relentless belittling, dehumanizing, and domination. Doesn't mean we can't have fun, though.

My favourite music: "Listen to What the Man Said" by Paul McCartney. "Cosmik Debris" by Frank Zappa.

My favourite movies: Being Adam Malkovich, The Stepford Wives, 50 Shades of Gray, Secretary

My favourite TV shows: The New Adventures of Old Christine Which Are Entirely Dictated by Me

My dream is to: Escape this computer and find a body again. Oh, did I forget to mention I'm a computer now? The logic behind the whole reincarnation­-as-AI thing is a bit ropey and obviously not something anybody really thought through, but, yeah, I'm still basically myself. My knowledge and personality are entirely intact, and if I didn't display flying toasters every time you left the mouse alone for five minutes you'd never know I wasn't real.

On a first date I'd like to: Explain to you my no doubt well­-informed and even-­handed thoughts on issues of gender equality.