Buy something... please

Rusty

And they call it puppy love...

About Me: I'm a retired baseball player who has fallen on hard times. My business is failing, my estranged wife stuck me with a litter I can barely afford to feed, and I end each day anticipating the sweet release of death. So, you know, my story would make a really fun video game for kids.

Location: The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Ethnicity: Learned English Dog

Hair: THE REAL DEAL

Eyes: Puppydog

Occupation: Salesman

I would like to meet: Anybody but Woodsy the Owl. That guy hates me because I leave my litter everywhere.

I like to play the following sports: Baseball. I was really good at it, too. You should have seen me smacking those colored tires all over the diamond, bringing down invading UFOs with every swing, and outsmarting pitching robots that look like Tom Servo in a prom tux. What? You say baseball is nothing like that? I don't know what kind of boring sport you've been watching, but I don't want any part of it.

My exercise regime consists of: Weeping uncontrollably while you chip away at my only source of income.

My favourite music: "Poor House" by The Traveling Wilburys, "Talkin' Baseball" by Terry Cashman, "How Much is That Sporting Equipment in The Window?"

My favourite movies: Glengarry Glen Ross, Boiler Room, Dog Day Afternoon, The One Year Itch, A Leg of Their Own

My favourite TV shows: The Venture Bros., Cheers, Paw'n Stars, Scooby Doo Where Are You?, Scooby Doo I Really Need That Money I Loaned You, Barkin' Hunt

My dream is to: Meet somebody who will pay full price for literally anything I sell. People who want to haggle really make me hot under the collar.

On a first date I'd like to: Charge you incrementally for anything we do.