I had a sword once, but some kid needed it

Old Man

LOOK AT MY LIFE. I'M A LOT LIKE YOU.

About Me: I AM AN OLD MAN WHO SPEAKS ANCIENT HYRULIAN, WHICH YOU CHILDREN TODAY KNOW AS GIBBERISH. I PROVIDE HINTS TO MUTES WHO BREAK INTO MY HOUSE AND STEAL MY SWORDS. THEY ARE VERY HELPFUL HINTS, TOO. FOR INSTANCE, I WILL TELL THEM THAT DIGDOGGER HATES CERTAIN KIND OF SOUND. SURE, I COULD HAVE SAID PLAY YOUR FLUTE FOR THE BIG ORANGE ROUND THING, OR AT LEAST PAID ATTENTION TO MY GRAMMAR, BUT WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT? AND INSTEAD OF SECRET POWER IS SAID TO BE IN THE ARROW, YES, I COULD HAVE JUST TOLD YOU TO SHOOT THE PIG. BUT THAT LACKS ALL ARTISTRY! I SUPPOSE YOU'LL ALSO WANT ME TO TELL YOU TO WALK TWO SCREENS TO THE LEFT AND BURN THE RED TREE, INSTEAD OF SAYING "HIDDEN REMINDER FOR ASH IS WAY OF ALL RESPECT." YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE GOOD WRITING.

Location: ANY ROAD YOU WANT

Ethnicity: ELDERLY

Hair: MIGRATING SOUTH

Eyes: OLD AND BENT

Occupation: PAY ME FOR THE DOOR REPAIR CHARGE

I would like to meet: THE SHOUTING, INCOMPREHENSIBLE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS. I ALSO REQUIRE THAT SHE RESPECT MY GRUELING WORK SCHEDULE OF SITTING ALONE IN A HIDDEN ROOM FOR YEARS ON END, JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY FINDS IT. EVENTUALLY I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE TO FLORIDA; I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FIND HAPPINESS, AND EASTMOST PENINSULA IS THE SECRET.

I like to play the following sports: I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER. I AM HOOKED ON MONEY MAKING GAME, AND BETTING YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE MORE BOMBS.

My exercise regime consists of: YELLING AT CLOUDS

My favourite music: "DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET IN THE TIP OF THE NOSE" BY THE BEATLES

My favourite movies: COCOON, GRAN TORINO, MAKE WAY FOR TOMORROW, THE BEST EXOTIC STOCK POT INN

My favourite TV shows: ROCS OF A FEATHER, MAJORA DAD, LAST OF THE SUMMER MILK

My dream is to: CAPTURE A FAIRY IN A BOTTLE AND SAVE IT FOR WHEN I AM PARCHED. YES, NOTHING QUENCHES MY THIRST QUITE LIKE A GLASS OF SPRITE.

On a first date I'd like to: SHOW THIS TO THE OLD WOMAN. WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M FORWARD.