In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Today, Jim sneaks into Nintendo HQ and spills the contents of a file marked 'PLAN B'...
I don't have much time so I will keep this quick.
Thanks to the diligent work of my uncle, I was able to sneak my way into the Nintendo's secret vault located in an undisclosed London location.
As I moved through the shadows past rooms stocked with pre-boxed copies of Zelda remasters and a door that simply read "MOTHER 3 (WEST) — DO NOT OPEN", I stumbled upon a table, littered with files and various Nintendo paraphernalia that immediately caught my eye.
Poking through a stack of Geno amiibo, I noticed a black folder with "PLAN B" written on the top. My curiosity got the better of me, and, sweeping aside the plastic figurines, I lifted the Wii U GamePad paperweight which was keeping everything in order and took a glance at the contents.
What I read shocked me to my very core. These were the plans for the coming year, a year without the 'Switch 2'. Thumbing the pages, I saw swathes of re-releases and remasters, all fine-tuned in their scheduling to keep the Nintendo fanboys onside as the Switch marches through its eighth year on the market.
Suddenly, footsteps. I grabbed my phone and snapped up some pictures of the most shocking pages while committing the rest to memory. I shut the folder and quickly leapt into a nearby cabinet full of unreleased LABO packs and Wiimote accessories. The guard — a large American man with the build of Reggie Fils-Aimé (though I did not see his face) — passed through the room and I was able to escape.
I am sure that I have mere minutes before deadly ninjas track me down. But this information has to be seen. Please take what I have to show you as absolute fact.
This is what I can remember (and what I was fast enough to photograph) from Nintendo's console-less 2024 plans.
"PLAN B" - Nintendo Secret Plans 2024
The opening page was dull and unassuming. It laid out exactly what the document was going to be about. A clear message of "DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2 UNTIL 2025" immediately caught my eye and I couldn't help but notice that somebody had doodled in the bottom corner. Is that a PS5 on fire? Did Miyamoto draw that? The questions would only continue from here...
There was no faffing about from here on in. You might think that an important document such as this would have a little more filler to hide the juicy bits, but I can tell you that is wrong. This is a real file and clearly whoever made it did not have the time or creative power to pad it out with unnecessary corporatespeak.
And so we hit the plans for the February 2024 Direct:
Crazy, right? Yes, the release dates are pretty unsurprising and, of course, another Kirby remaster is on the way, but who would have thought that the hotly-anticipated Zelda double-pack would be Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks??
Speaking of real gob-smackers, I thought that it would be worth grabbing a snap of the page titled "Da Movies" (I can only assume in a reference to that one Vin Diesel video). We knew that Nintendo was looking to branch out and become a multi-armed entertainment company, but this is next level:
A discarded post-it note carelessly tossed aside seemed to suggest that Nintendo is looking for more Doug Bowser-style name-to-brand synergy in its executives over the coming months. Vanessa Kirby, Ridley Scott, Zelda Williams, and Gino D'Acampo (pending spelling change) were all given as potential options.
The June Direct page left me with even more questions: When will the remasters end? Who would leave such an important document on the table? Is that the Aerial font? But Reggie the guard's footsteps were getting louder and I knew that the contents had to be seen to be believed.
I had an inkling that some of the remasters this year were going to lean a little obscure, but bringing back the Super Scope Battle Clash sequel, Metal Combat: Falcon's Revenge? That feels a little like scraping the bottom of the barrel. Hey, if Nintendo can really nail the Switch motion controls, then we might just be onto something there.
Being tight for time, I skipped past taking photos of the next few pages. One was all about a mobile app named 'Pikmin Bloomier' and had a lot of red-penned notes next to its contents. Another detailed a long email chain in which Masahiro Sakurai repeatedly asked for a Kid Icarus: Uprising Switch port but wouldn't explain how he had "revolutionised the control scheme" when asked.
And so we hit the last page that I was able to photograph until I had to flee: plans for the final Direct of the year. Honestly, it looks like we're going to be going out with a bit of a whimper, though the emphasised "DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2" hammers home the fact that 2025 might be different.
![Nintendo Secret Plans - "NOVEMBER DIRECT 2024 . Hollow Knight……. Jumps into Fortnite today! New skin and glider . Mario Kart 8 Booster Course Track Special Wave Pass Ultimate DLC Deluxe - 2025/6 Remaining circuits released in 37 ‘waves’ . [Insert cat-based indie game here] . Seriously, All Of You Better 1-2-Switch! - May 2025 . Zelda II: The Adventure of Link - Remaster - 2025 Tie-in Switch carry case . Baldur’s Gate 3 is coming to Switch - Apr 2025 DO NOT show load screens or non-cutscene visuals . Metroid….. Prime….. Pinball - Sep 2025 REMINDER: DO NOT MENTION SWITCH 2"](https://images.nintendolife.com/e5f9041de740d/nintendo-secret-plans-november-direct-2024-hollow-knighthh-jumps-into-fortnite-today-new-skin-and-glider-mario-kart-8-booster-course-track-special-wave-pass-ultimate-dlc-deluxe-20256-remaining-circuits-released-in-37-lwavesr-insert-cat-based-indie-game-here-seriously-all-of-you-better-1-2-switch-may-2025-zelda-ii-the-adventure-of-link-remaster-2025-tie-in-switch-carry-case-baldurrs-gate-3-is-coming-to-switch-apr-2025-do-not-show-load-screens-or-non-cutscene-visuals-metroidh-primeh-pinball-sep-2025-reminder-do-not-mention-switch-2.large.jpg)
I hope that the above information has been useful. It was a dangerous mission, but this deserves to be seen.
Luckily, I seem to have escaped unharmed. Yes, the yellow van with 'Super Mario Bros. Plumbing' written on the side has been parked out the front of my house for a few days now, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.
Comments 60
That was amazing!
What is this? Nintendo fan fiction?
I love it! I was just think 'You know, there haven't been many Bakc Page articels recently" and boy did y'all deliver! Also... I have been wanting a LoZ Ph/ST remaster set, anyway! (Please, put away your pitchforks)
I like this article. It reminds me of uk game mags from the 90’s. 10/10.
I know it's all a joke, but this would actually make me happy because:
1. I'm not ready for Switch 2
2. F-Zero GX on Switch
3. Adventure of Link remaster
4. Metroid Other M(ovie)
I unironically love the Other M story. It has issues at points, but it's probably my favorite story of any video game ever.
@CaleBoi25 spirit tracks was a vibe. I won’t hear any different.
When I saw the title my heart almost died.
Ninja turtle time.... lol
This was actually an amazing read, even tho i know its a joke, it was like reading a good book lol.
It had everything that i want from Nintendo 😂 i only hope switch 2 will arrive somewhere this year.
@ThatZeldaNerd
Lol yeah its mentioned in the article.
Ok, i was giggling childishly at the "Big DK energy"-bit.
I swear everytime i game system is getting on in years people just push, poke and prod for information on the next thing. Have patience for goodness sakes! Nintendo will announce whatever they have when they are ready.
I guess everyone can't wait to chuck their old machine so they can buy something more expensive with barely any any library of games.
Yippie let's get hyped!
@ThatZeldaNerd What gave it away I wonder?
>[insert cat-based indie game here]
SecondShot confirmed?!
/s
Hollow knight in Fortnite?
That binder looks legit, thanks for putting your life on the line to get it!
I’m curious if Nintendo also has a plan C
It's too early for April Fool's day, don't you think?
Honestly I would like to see a full blown remake of LOZ 2 mainly because that’s the only mainline Zelda game with a EXP system plus they could easily fix some of its problems. (Fake difficulty and stuff like that)
Actually when will we get a Zelda ARPG?
I loved this article! Thanks for going to all the effort of typing up and printing out the props, it was a funny read!
"Luigi's Mansion: 2 Dark 2 Moon"...brilliant! Thanks for the laughs!
Could not stop laughing. Thank you!
Can't believe Nintendo sources their top-secret internal folders from Wilko
The scariest part is that some people will think this is real!
Loved reading this, thanks!
"Pikmin 5 - Date TBD
LOLOLOL
"Metroid...............Prime..............Pinball - Sept 2025 <--There will be riots"
LOLOLOL
hey, LET'S NOT FORGET, we're coming up on the 5 year anniversary of the infamous YT announcement:
"Development Update on Metroid Prime 4 for Nintendo Switch"
[Note: T'was a bittersweet day. But ultimately sweet as releasing an average, so-so MP4 would be heart breaking]
@Dogorilla uhm, Wilko Japan please XD
I will be honest here, I giggled when I saw this on the front page, and I had already lost it at the second line at the word "uncle"
Thank you NL
Okay, this is funny
And it's not even April 1st...
BG3 - 2025 oh yeah baby.......sounds like will come after Switch 2 dominates the market share.... lol
Nobody mentioned Tom Holland being cast as Link in the Legend of Zelda movie? This will happen and we ain't going to like it.
I hope that the above information has been useful. It was a dangerous mission, but this deserves to be seen.
Luckily, I seem to have escaped unharmed. Yes, the yellow van with 'Super Mario Bros. Plumbing' written on the side has been parked out the front of my house for a few days now, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.
They might give you total package plumbing job you never will return from.
Now all we need is a little bit of LEX LUTHOR’S SOLVE MY MAZE.
This is a bit early for April isn't it? Love all the in jokes here though. I wonder how much will be accidentally correct!
It's actually kinda nice to see articles like this once in a while. We're all way too focused on the news cycle. Kudos for doing this.
Tragi-comical really, as Nintendo could be forced to postpone the launch of the Switch 2, mainly because of the situation in the Red Sea (but also the whole mess the world is in right now - and has been in for many years really).
Aaaaannnnnd.. what would they really have to offer on the software/games front in that situation.. movies are much, much easier to distribute than games that needs dedicated hardware (made in China) to run on.
Man, I owned a super scope with Yoshi's Safari and Metal Combat 2: Falcon's Revenge. They were so good, I'd definitely not complain about a remaster
I mentioned it once,
I think I got away with it,
but I don't agree with that in the Back Page place...
I want to believe.
Don't look back... Nintendo Inc.
Honestly, a remaster/make of the Zelda II and the DS Kirby games would be phenomenal
If I don’t see Little Kitty Big City or a Switch/Switch 2 port of Stray in the September direct, I’m going to be very angry
My Uncle who actually works at Nintendo had a similar experience.
Glad to see fellow commentators haven’t forgotten about Condition 13.A.iii of Article 71X, Section 42 stipulated in Rules and Relations of Writing on the Internet:
I swear this is a real rule. My uncle is Tom Bernard-Sleaze and he wrote the rule when he invented the Internet.
I didn't realize that Nintendolife hired fanfic writers, thought it was all journalism here. Well if you hire fanfic writers, I can easily spin a BS yarn myself, consider offering me a position!
This kind of reminds me of those crazy promotional videos that Nintendo Power gave out, especially the Donkey Kong Country and Star Fox 64 tapes. Man, those were the days!
@duffmmann This is journalism. Probably the hardest hitting investigative journalism I’ve read all year. Dude literally infiltrated Nintendo’s HQ, snuck under Reggie’s nose and got the sneaky deets on the coming year. Not sure what more you could ask for.
You know what.... I'd actually be pretty happy with remakes of Phantom Hourglass/Spirit Tracks and a Metroid Prime Pinball. Those DS Zelda games, although hard to translate outside of DS, were great titles and I say the more 2D Zelda on Switch the better.
Metroid Prime Pinball? I mean damn, bring back the days of full effort Nintendo Pinball releases. I mean seriously, go back and play the original Pokemon Pinball and tell me you don't want more of that? Give me Metroid Prime Pinball over an announcement of 4 this year I say, I'm not even joking
Good Lord. Lol What a side splitter.
My body is ready…
I saw one single file in a bare vault in the center of the room with a light shining down from above under glass that read Sony is brining Ghost of Tsushima to multiple Nintendo consoles physically winter 24’.
Clearly fake because GBA Narnia was pretty fun. Which is too bad because the notes are hilarious and I'd probably buy two tickets - one for Other M with Brie and one for the fandom's ensuing agony. I'd even buy popcorn despite the salted variety being pricey and ridiculously uncommon in Minsk retail as of late. Also, a Zelda 2 remaster? Don't threaten me with a good time.
Amazon wish list updated with all these amazing leaked announcements!!!
Good thing my birthday is coming up!
Absolutely hilarious and really appreciate the effort to even take those photos!
Now this is comedy
Nice. Just a self check for everyone. If you didn't know this was a joke immediately, you may be regularly ingesting completely garbage rumor sites in other places. However, Nintendo Life does good work, so maybe you were just giving it the benefit of the doubt at first.
After the Metroid Prime remaster, I'm all for more remasters. I would be disappointed, but another year of remasters like that and I'd probably be happy enough.
It would sound good if this was true but nothing can be verified about this story as well.
I would love it if Nintendo could give us some entries in some of their non AAA-tier or some more neglected IPs before we move on to whatever is after the Switch... such as a new:
... I'd also settle for a Clubhouse 102 Worldwide Games (with more & deeper Card/Strategy games, rule variations and match customization/randomization).
Absolutely hard facts here! We predicted all of this long time ago so nothing new.
Haha this was great, keep the good times coming NL!
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