Game Reviews scoring 3/10
Review City Connection (3DS eShop / NES)
Crash and burn
Originally released as an arcade game, City Connection puts you in the shoes of a man who wants to travel all over the world in order to paint its roads white, thus proving that he's travelled across the globe. Sounds like vandalism to us, but that's the '80s for you! Of course, this would be rather difficult to accomplish on foot, so...
Review Secret Agent Files: Miami (3DS eShop)
Cold case
Hidden object games are a relatively new genre descended from “point and click” classics like King’s Quest, Broken Sword and others. Secret Agent Files: Miami strives to combine hidden object gameplay with more traditional point/click puzzle solving and attempts to make good use of the 3DS’ features along the way; yet the end...
Review Halloween: Trick or Treat 2 (3DS eShop)
Another hidden-object game? Now that's scary!
Halloween: Trick or Treat 2 (the sequel to the abysmal Halloween: Trick or Treat on DSiware) is a collection of games that mostly revolve around hidden-object searches, with a continuous focus on spooky settings and creepy themes; it features pre-rendered, quasi-blurry images loaded with junk, where you...
Review Zombie Blaster (DSiWare)
A grave disappointment
Throughout DSiWare's long and not always distinguished history, we've seen a lot of games come and go. From puzzlers to RPGs to interactive storybooks, we've spent the past several years wading through every single release, doing our best to separate the rare diamonds from the dirt. Zombie Blaster interested us simply because,...
Review Tales to Enjoy! The Ugly Duckling (DSiWare)
A load of quack
Another Tales to Enjoy game? Yep, we regret to inform you that it’s true. But this time it’s the most repulsive of all…The Ugly Duckling. If you haven’t been following along as of late, Tales to Enjoy is a series of games that uses the same exact interface and activities, but swaps out one fairly tale or fable for another...
Review Tales to Enjoy! Three Little Pigs (DSiWare)
A case of swine flu
If you’ve been hanging around the site during the past two weeks, chances are you’ve at least stumbled onto one Tales to Enjoy review. These games are compilations of activities targeted at kids who are just learning how to read, write, and develop basic problem solving skills. Each one uses an identical interface, but...
Review Secrets of the Titanic 1912-2012 (3DS eShop)
A boatload of dull
2012 marked the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic, a maritime disaster that saw around 1500 people lose their lives. People sadly die as a result of tragic accidents every day, but the reason why the Titanic has such a poignant legacy is perhaps because it was the result of human arrogance — not to mention...
Review J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings - Volume I (Super Nintendo)
Middle Earth is doomed
Before Peter Jackson came along and turned The Lord of the Rings into one of the most popular cinematic experiences of all time, the video game licence to J.R.R. Tolkien's literary epic was held by the now-defunct Interplay. The company pumped out related games for the Commodore Amiga computer and PC CD-ROM — the latter of...
Review Deer Drive Legends (3DS eShop / 3DS)
Bang bang, he shot the Doe, bang bang...
When the 3DS was launched, it's perhaps unsurprising that a few developers decided it'd be the perfect platform for what would previously be considered "light gun" games. There's no gun with the portable, of course, but the stylus has been proven again and again as a more than useful alternative, affording...
Review Jewel Quest 4 Heritage (3DS eShop)
Attack of the clones
The Jewel Quest series is fast becoming something of a recurring negative on Nintendo's handheld systems. Ignoring the fact that each entry has been generically dull, the alarming rate at which each new instalment is being released is certainly a cause for concern. Forget Call of Duty and Assassin's Creed with their yearly...
Review Heavy Fire: Black Arms 3D (3DS eShop)
War is garbage
If there’s one distinguishing feature that makes Teyon’s Heavy Fire series stand out from video gaming’s crowd of military shooters, it’s that it has no distinguishing features. Like, zero. It has features, sure, but nary an original idea nor even a whiff of one. Heavy Fire: Black Arms 3D continues the series’ tradition of...
To Smurf, or not to Smurf?
Recently we got a little down and smurfy with our review of The Smurfs 2 for the Wii U, and now, we’ve set our focus on the DS version which offers a completely different gameplay experience, despite sharing the same title. Where the former offered up uneventful platforming that should only appeal to novice players or...
Review Spelunker (3DS eShop / NES)
Go back to your cave and stay there
Ask a few western gamers about Spelunker and it's likely that barely any of them will have heard of the game, despite it being originally developed by an American company. Ask Japanese gamers, though, and it's a completely different story — the game is very well known to them and is joked about online all the...
Review G-LOC: Air Battle (3DS eShop / GG)
Crash and burn
Around its initial release in the early '90s, Sega launched G-LOC: Air Battle in several different forms, including an arcade cabinet, a Mega Drive port, and eventually crash-landing it on the portable Game Gear console. The series has been mostly absent since then, finally popping back up on the 3DS’s Virtual Console service. Some...
Review Jewel Quest 5 - The Sleepless Star (DSiWare)
Jewel Identity
We often complain about the lack of innovation in today's games industry. Publishers and developers tend to take the safe and easy route, making games that stick closely to a tried-and-tested template with the odd tweak here and there. While there's nothing wrong with making a sequel to a popular game, it's not unreasonable for us...
Review Spelunker (Wii U eShop / NES)
Deeper underground
Ask a few western gamers about Spelunker and it's likely that barely any of them will have heard of the game, despite it being originally developed by an American company. Ask Japanese gamers, though, and it's a completely different story — the game is very well known to them and is joked about online all the time, though not...
Review Gummy Bears Mini Golf (3DS eShop)
Golfing here and there and everywhere
When Gummy Bears Magical Medallion, the game so confident it doesn't need a properly punctuated title, was released earlier this month we weren't exactly left clamoring for a sequel or a spin-off. Its controls were stiff and aggravating, its level design bland and empty, its coding sloppy and its 3D effect was...
Review Swords & Soldiers 3D (3DS eShop)
Finally facing its Waterloo
Four years ago, Swords & Soldiers made its debut. WiiWare has always been a mix of titles ranging from brilliant to terrible — with a thick middle section of "mediocre" — but Swords & Soldiers immediately established itself as a must-have. We awarded it a much deserved 9, taken as we were by its charm, its...
Jumping the Shark
The Nintendo Video service on 3DS has played host to a number of original series since its inception, including CollegeHumor's BearShark. These 3D animated comedic shorts tell the story of a rather unlucky man named Steve, doomed to be forever hunted by the most fearsome predators of both the land (Bear) and sea (Shark). The show's...
Review Clash of Elementalists (DSiWare)
An Elemental Mistake
If you’ve stumbled onto any footage of Clash of Elementalists, we wouldn’t be surprised if your first impression was a good one. At first glance, the game-play appears reminiscent of SEGA’s Virtual-On series or even the multiplayer aspect of Kid Icarus: Uprising. This is a third-person arena brawler where you’re bestowed...
Review 50 Classic Games 3D (3DS)
Destined to be forgotten
At first glance, 50 Classic Games 3D looks reminiscent of Nintendo's 42 All-Time Classics (Clubhouse Games in North America) for DS. But those hoping for a spiritual successor to the original hit are in for a bit of a disappointment. This is because 50 Classic Games 3D is woefully lacking in quality, depth and — most of...
Review The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct (Wii U)
Walking Dud
Zombies are impossible to avoid. Not that the living dead are walking among us and causing havoc, but the media has been absolutely permeated by them. As evidence, we have The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct; the Wii U’s second game about zombies – known in-game as “walkers” – works as the prequel to a television show about...
Review Forgotten Legions (DSiWare)
Tower offence
Forgotten Legions tells the story of a character named Merkhovious, who is apparently a wizard or some other type of magic user. He started using dark magic and was quickly banished from the town of Riverkeep, because the higher-ups there frown upon that sort of thing. Now Merkhovious is back, and he’s brought an army of undead...
Top dog, or just plain ruff?
It's that special time of the year again, when the world of casual gaming throws fluffy puppies and wide-eyed kittens at things and hopes to make a profit. This time Neopica has stepped up to the challenge with Pets Resort 3D. In the latest Nintendogs + Cats clone, the player takes command of a rather suspicious...
Review Easter Eggztravaganza (DSiWare)
All cracked up
Whenever a major holiday is just around the corner, it’s no surprise that a flood of related products hit the market just in time to grab the attention of consumers. It happens with almost everything, from food to toys to lawn ornaments, and video games are no exception. While it’s not fair to knock a product for being a blatant...
Review Rise of The Guardians: The Video Game (Wii U)
A legendary failure
In Rise of the Guardians: The Video Game you take command of a small army of characters, each of whom is designed around a childhood legend. You have characters based on Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the Sand Man, and Jack Frost. They are coming together to fight a common evil: the sinister Pitch, who wants the...
Review Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage 2 (Wii U eShop)
This game is already dead
The Fist of the North Star manga series turns thirty this year, which is certainly cause for celebration. It also seems to be the sole reason for the creation of Fist of the North Star: Ken’s Rage 2, because when placed alongside its predecessor from 2010, it offers precious little in the way of fresh and original...
Bad religion
God games are usually about protecting people, not condemning them. Babel Rising, however, tears a page or two out of the Book of Genesis and sees you, as the heavenly overseer himself, casting down any subjects that dare to defy. Hundreds of heretics are constructing a gigantic tower to reach the skies, but by smiting them and their...
Review Rapala Pro Bass Fishing (Wii U)
Dead in the water
In attempting to craft a realistic fishing experience, Rapala Pro Bass Fishing got one thing exactly right: you'll be sitting around doing nothing for most of the time you play it. Unfortunately that's due to its almost insultingly lengthy load times, but we'll still give it some credit for unintentional verisimilitude. The...
Review 101 DinoPets 3D (3DS eShop)
Di-no-thanks
When you first boot up 101 DinoPets 3D you're greeted with an introduction that sees you finding an abandoned dinosaur hatchling on your front porch. If you're anything like us, this will fill you with excitement about how much potential for fun this concept has. Then again if you're anything like us that excitement will soon disappear...
