Game Reviews scoring 3/10
Review Johnny Impossible (3DS eShop)
Mission: Intolerable
Johnny Impossible is a bad game. We'd be perfectly happy to leave the review at that sentence, as it does actually tell you everything you need to know, but Johnny Impossible is so interestingly bad that we need to say a lot more about it, if only to achieve some sort of closure. Having made his eShop debut in Johnny Kung Fu,...
Review Wizard Defenders (DSiWare)
We have but a fool's hope
On the surface, Wizard Defenders seems like a promising blend of match-3 puzzling and tower defence; in its best moments it's a concept that works well. Unfortunately these moments are rare, and despite its budget price this title lacks the magic to make a gamer happy. This is a good example of a reasonable idea being...
Review Crystal Adventure (DSiWare)
In which "adventure" is revealed to be a relative term
If there's one thing RPG fans enjoy, it's a good story. The quest should be epic, the characters should be interesting, and there should preferably be a few surprising twists along the way as well. Here is the story of Crystal Adventure: you get bored quickly and delete it. Okay, you caught...
Review Real Heroes Firefighter 3D (3DS)
Burnt out
A review of a game involving putting out fires wouldn’t be a review of a game involving putting out fires without some sort of nod to Sega’s classic Saturn extinguish-‘em-up Burning Rangers. So here it is: Burning Rangers was ace. Real Heroes Firefighter 3D on the other hand, is not. Maybe that’s an unfair comparison, given that...
Thundercats, noooo!
Perhaps we were foolish to get our hopes up about Thundercats. It is a licensed game, after all, and while that's not a universally bad thing, it should by this point at least make us think twice. Then again, it's Thundercats! The original cartoon is an enduring classic, the recent reboot was surprisingly good, and the...
Review Reel Fishing Ocean Challenge (WiiWare)
Pain in the bass
It’s been about two years since the last Reel Fishing game was released for WiiWare, and you’d think that that was enough time to figure out how to improve on the formula. Unfortunately, that isn't at all what has happened. Instead, a series of games based on an activity as simple as fishing has somehow managed to sink deeper...
Review Hotel Transylvania (3DS)
Stab it with your steely knives
Released as an obvious tie-in with the movie of the same name, Hotel Transylvania aims to provide an experience evocative of some classic Castlevania titles, particularly the DS games and that influential masterpiece Symphony of the Night. That's the good news. The bad news is that, as with many movie tie-ins, Hotel...
Review Touch Battle Tank 3D (3DS eShop)
Bad touch
Good intentions most certainly pave the road to disappointment in Touch Battle Tank 3D. While it's clear that the 70 levels of non-stop blasting are meant to feel like frantic, satisfying plunges into arcade-style madness, it's also clear that the components simply don't come together the way they need to. Touch Battle Tank 3D simply feels...
Review Castlevania: The Adventure (3DS eShop / GB)
Belmont's first portable adventure
When the Game Boy hit store shelves in 1989 it didn’t take long for a vast swathe of third-party publishers – many of which had grown fat on the profits generated by Nintendo’s astonishingly popular NES – to sign up to produce software for the device. Konami was one of the first to pledge its allegiance to...
Review Devil Band - Rock the Underworld (DSiWare)
Ear piercing
If musicians really can save the world — Bob Geldof and Bono would both like you to believe they can — then it's a shame they couldn't do it in a game more interesting than Devil Band - Rock the Underworld. CIRCLE's latest essentially takes Plants vs. Zombies, robs it of its charm and adds in a lot more tapping. You control a metal...
Review Sweet Memories Blackjack (3DS eShop)
Not fond memories
Sweet Memories Blackjack is a strange arrival on the 3DS eShop, with a Japanese concept and style that typically doesn’t make it outside of the Land of the Rising Sun. While card games are common on DSiWare, this 3DS exclusive follows a different approach that aims to bring a relationship dynamic to proceedings. This title may...
Review Snakenoid Deluxe (DSiWare)
In which the word "deluxe" is cheapened enormously
Last year, we reviewed Snakenoid, a Snake/Arkanoid hybrid from Cinemax that answered our question of how one could possibly combine the gameplay from those two games. That answer was, "pretty disappointingly, thanks for asking." We felt it was a bit of a mess, at best, a complete waste of time and...
Less was more
In 2008, a Flash-based platformer/puzzle game called Shift was released online. Its gameplay was a model of brilliant simplicity: levels were constructed from black and white blocks, and the Shift key would flip the room upside down, turn background objects solid and push previously solid objects into the background. It was a premise...
Review Spirit Camera: The Cursed Memoir (3DS)
The ghost of a much better game
There's something magical within Spirit Camera: The Cursed Memoir. Really, there is. You wouldn't know it by playing it, because the execution is downright terrible, but at heart, somewhere, deep inside this absolute mess is the germ of a great idea; that's the nicest thing we can say about it. Spirit Camera is an...
Review BurgerTime World Tour (WiiWare)
Severely undercooked
While never really regarded as a smash hit in arcades, the original BurgerTime has always been an entertaining little game. We recently got what is arguably the best older version, BurgerTime Deluxe, on the 3DS eShop, and now we finally have a completely new title that other platforms received a couple of months ago. But is it...
Review Stonekeep: Bones of the Ancestors (WiiWare)
Rock-solid or balderdash?
Stonekeep: Bones of the Ancestors, a remake of Interplay's mid-90's first-person dungeon crawler, sounds pretty good on paper. The Wii is a bit short on quality RPGs — especially on WiiWare — and Stonekeep was a decent-looking, competent RPG back in its day. But pre-rendered 2D environments and FMV characters are no...
Review Anne's Doll Studio: Gothic Collection (DSiWare)
Doll-orous
Anne's Doll Studio: Gothic Collection is your chance to slap drab Gothic accessories on two dead eyed dolls that look like charmless rejects from the movie Corpse Bride. That sentence is a complete and accurate summation of this title, and it's probably the only thing you'll need to read in order to decide if you want it. Anne's Doll...
Review 40-in-1 Explosive Megamix (DSiWare)
More is less
You’re given a bag of sweets. On the outside they’re a bit misshapen or broken up, but at least they’re brightly coloured, there’s a big variety of flavours and there are plenty of them, right? The first one doesn’t taste quite right. Neither does the second one. Nor the third. Half the bag has to be thrown in the bin when all...
Gentlemen, please don’t start your engines
Over the years, the high speed competitive sport of repetitive left turns, otherwise known as NASCAR, has fuelled the hearts of racing enthusiasts around the world. In some places, you can hardly step into a crowded area without seeing some sort of branded paraphernalia. With young drivers like Kyle Busch...
Bloobin' boring
For those who aren't aware, Double Bloob was actually announced over four years ago as a DS retail title. After disappearing for a few of those years, the game has now resurfaced on DSiWare. It'd be easy to assume that those four years of development time were used to make sure that the game was polished and enjoyable. That...
Review House, M.D. - Episode 4: Crashed (DSiWare)
Crash and burn
Dr. Gregory House is back this month with yet another instalment of House M.D. If you’ve played the previous games in the series, then you know exactly what to expect from this one. If you haven’t had the opportunity to experience any of these games, then feel free to continue reading. You’re in for a real treat. Like the...
Review House, M.D. - Episode 3: Skull and Bones (DSiWare)
Numb skull
It’s about time we all came to terms with the fact that episodic games aren’t really going to change from episode to episode. Sure, each episode may have a different plot and contain different puzzles, but the gameplay will stay generally the same. Because of this, all of the good elements of the first episode will generally carry...
Review Side Pocket (3DS eShop / GB)
Dead ball
The great thing about the Virtual Console is that it allows people to experience games that they somehow missed out on the first go around and encourages discovery of forgotten and overlooked gems. The flip side is that not everything dug up has aged particularly well, like Data East's portable version of once-esteemed billiards game Side...
Review 101-in-1 Explosive Megamix (WiiWare)
101 reasons to avoid this
One hundred and one games. It's a tempting proposition isn't it? It's unlikely that as an average consumer you will play, let alone purchase, one hundred and one games in a whole year, so when Nordcurrent comes a-knockin' at your door and offers you exactly that many titles for the low, low price of 700 Points, you'd be...
Don't touch this
When a genre of game saturates a market it's fair to expect that any new title coming out within that style of play must do a good impression of the leaders in the field, in the very least aping what made the forerunners successful, hopefully providing an interesting alternative. As the number of first person shooters, mini-game...
Review House, M.D. - Episode 2: Blue Meanie (DSiWare)
Blue all over
Earlier this summer saw the release of Legacy Interactive’s first DSiWare game, House, M.D. - Episode 1: Globetrotting. If you played the game, or simply read our review, then you’ll know that this maiden voyage was not a very successful one for the company. Now, several months later, the series continues with House M.D. -...
Review 3D Classics: Urban Champion (3DSWare)
3D Classic, huh? Well, they're half right...
You really have to feel bad for the team assigned to updating Urban Champion. After all, it's not a game that's very fondly remembered; in fact, you're unlikely to find many positive reviews at all, even from when it was new. It's also a stretch to say that it set the framework for fighting games to...
Review Jagged Alliance (DSiWare)
Watch out for sharp edges
On paper, Jagged Alliance looks like a must-have for fans of tactical role-playing games. A mid 90s PC classic that was originally distributed as a DS retail release in 2009, now available at a significantly lower price of 500 Nintendo Points – it’s a win-win, right? Well, two areas that hit the mark are storyline and...
Review Big Town Shoot Out (WiiWare)
John Marston died in vain
You're stuck in traffic on a rainy day. Positioning yourself between the cars ahead and behind you, avoiding collision with the merging vehicles, occasionally reading street signs; these things don't require skill so much as a sort of passive awareness. It's not your first time in traffic. You know the drill. It's a test...
Review Boardwalk Ball Toss (DSiWare)
Not quite as big a rip-off as the real thing
For as long as humans have stacked milk bottles in pyramid formations, people have yearned to topple them. Salvation for these individuals came by way of the carnival – but what's a toppling enthusiast to do on the walk home, or on the bus the next day? Enter Boardwalk Ball Toss, the perfect solution...
