Topic: The Funny Thread

Truly it is the greatest movie of all time.

Man, I wish that avatar was like that...

Not neccissarily "funny", but it was interesting to go and read some of the very first threads. You all should try it some time!
_{Could one of you try bumping one? I want to see how TBD would react :3}

PETER KAY ONE LINERS
-I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
-I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
-I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
-Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
-At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
-Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
-You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
-Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
-Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
-Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
-Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
-Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
-Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
-What do people in China call their good quality plates?
-Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
-What do you call male ballerinas?
-Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
-Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

What is the most colorful sea in the world?

The Blue Sea

[rimshot]

Get it? Colorful???
_{Never mind. =(}

I'm thinking of making another comic joke, and this time I'll try to make it much less predictable.

not bad, Starboy, but that joke was a little obvious, too. something like... "What's the most depressing sea in the world? The Blue Sea" would make it funnier... just advice.

What's the stillest sea in the world? The Dead sea.

Here's some Warnings and Instructions found on various products

"No keyboard detected. Press any key to continue." - error messege while installing a program on a PC

"Warning! This program should not be used in flight training! Death or serious injury could result!" - Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000

"Warning: Do not use while sleeping" - hairdryer

"Warning: Do not ue while taking a shower." - hairdryer

"Do not insert curling iron into any bodily orifice."

"Keep away from damp and sunlight." - Garden furiture

"Not for use in an aquarium." - mixer

"For indoor or outdoor use only." - chinese christmas candles

"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark."

"To put a call on Hold: Press Hold." - telephone

"Instructions: Put on food" - ketchup

Red sea?

warning, this one is slightly violent

What do you call the most shark infested sea?
The red sea!

I couldn't stop laughing for a whole minute after reading this one.

This one was just stupid... in a funny way of course.

That's clever, 110%.

@bleach those gave me a good laugh. My favorites are the restraunt one and the amnesia dejavu ones
@andy those were awesome! Specifically the floodlight one
This thread is great! Nice to learn some new jokes now and again.

I decided to look this one up.
"the male equivalent to this title is danseur (French) or ballerino (Italian)."

To be honest, those lists were posted from a website...
But! THIS list is one of my own creation! Let me know what you guys think!

How to Confuse/Tick Off People in Restaurants

At McDonald’s, Burger King, or Wendy’s:
-Order a kids meal, and specify which toy you would like.
-Wear any sort of clothing that may suggest that you are a vegetarian, and then order a Baconator, extra bacon.
-Walk into the restaurant when there are a lot of people, look at the nearest nutrition facts board, yell “Yikes!” then walk out.
-Ask how much something is on the dollar menu.
-Suspiciously look at the employees cooking the food. After a while, yell, “I saw that!” then walk out pretending to talk angrily on your cell phone.
-Mention that you have a coupon for your meal, and then spend an unreasonable amount of time searching for it, only to have it be for the wrong restaurant.
-Order a Whopper or Big Mac at the restaurants that don’t serve them.
-Walk in, pretending to read a book about E. Coli. After looking about the restaurant for several minutes, shake you head and walk out.

At a Drive-Thru:
-Constantly change your order, claiming that you like to see the words change on the screen.
-Attempt to have a conversation with the employee/ask them on a date.
-Put on your turn signal before pulling up to the window.
-Upon hearing the employee’s voice, promptly get out of your car and attempt to rescue the person “trapped in the box.”
-Attempt to make your order with the radio blaring.
-Whenever the employee asks for you to clarify something, respond at first with unnecessarily long “um’s.”
-Drive past the ordering booth and make your order at the window.
-Get out of your car to receive your food as they are handing it to you.
-Attempt to put your car in park and eat your food at the window.
-Make several trips around the drive-thru, ordering a different portion of your meal with every round.
-Sternly say that the employee may not “take” your order, but that he can simply “borrow” it instead.

At Subway:
-Order a sub with everything on it, everything
-Constantly lean over the glass, scrutinizing the employee’s every movement. If they don’t respond, promptly sneeze all over the food.
-Attempt to order a nine-inch sub.
-After the sub has been wrapped up, specify that you would like to have it toasted.
-Ask to change your bread type before they finish your order.
-Walk in angrily while yelling about how your “Subway Diet” didn’t work like it did for Jared. Then stomp out, mumbling something about how throwing up was easier.
-Consistently comment on how dirty the workers’ hands are as they prepare your order.
-After finishing the sub and counting up the total, gasp at the price and say that it’s “too expensive” and that you’ll try somewhere else.
-Question multiple times as to why a “healthy” restaurant like this should offer to serve bacon and meatballs on their subs.
-Specify that you dislike the crust on breads, and would like to order a sub without it.
-Ask to remove the jalapenos that you had ordered previously, and then insist that you will “still taste them” and that they were better off re-doing the order.
-When asked what you would like to have, simply reply by saying, “the usual.”

At Any Sit-Down Restaurant:
-When the waiter/waitress asks what you would like, calmly respond by saying “your number.”
-Before giving your order, motion for the person to come closer, then whisper it into their ear by starting off with, “You’re mission is to…”
-Instead of saying the name of your order itself, tell them what you would like by reading the description of the food under the name.
-After everything you order, ask eagerly if it comes with a toy.
-Attempt to order your meat raw. If they actually let you and bring it out, scream horrifically “Are you trying to kill me?!?”
-Insist that your “wife” is in the bathroom and attempt order what you “think she would have wanted.”
-Tip your waiter/waitress with photocopies of money.
-Attempt to pay your bill by inserting a picture of yourself.
-Leave the restaurant with each table having either two saltshakers or two peppershakers.
-Conspicuously stuff all of the sugar packets, cream, and jelly packs into your pockets before leaving.

30 ways to get kicked out of walmart. I did not make these, I got them in an email from my sister.

>
> 1. Throw a red and white ball at the manager and scream "Pikachui! I choose
> you!"
>
> 2. Walk into a dressing room. Wait a whiloe and then yell "Hey! Theres no toilet
> paper in here!"
>
> 3. Go to the cereal isle and stomp on them all. When someone asks what you're
> doing, tell them you're a cereal killer.
>
> 4. Go on the PA system and say "a dangerous criminal has just entered the
> building, but don't be alarmed. We've locked all the doors."
>
> 5. When the loud speaker comes on, scream "Oh no! The voices are back!"
>
> 6. Go to the toothpaste section and every time someone picks one up, yell
> "SWIPER NO SWIPING!"
>
> 7. Stuff pillows under your shirt and yell "Ho Ho Ho! I'm Santa!"
>
> 8. Throw skittles at people and yell "Can you taste the rainbow?"
>
> 9.Set up the barbies and G.I. Joes in a line and if any one asks, you say it's
> world war 3.
>
> 10. Walk up to someone, grab there arm then scream "Let go of me! You're not my
> mom/dad!"
>
> 11. Ask all the employees if they're a man or woman.
>
> 12. Ask for directions to the nearest Target.
>
> 13. Bargain with the manager on everything. scream loudly and tell them you're
> never coming back. come back the next day and do it again.
>
> 14. Act like u fainted, and when they lean over to see whats wrong jump up and
> say, "Help, I'm being attacked by idiotic wal-mart people! I thought I was a
> target!"
>
> 15. come dressed like superman. say don't worry people! Then tackle some random
> person and drag him away.
>
> 16. If you see a employee talking to one of the opposite gender:
>
> Walk up to them and scream at them for cheating on you! When they ask who you
> are, say "I can't believe you! We have been going out for 2 months, and your
> with that tramp? I mean, especially after last night!" Kick them and run off
> fake-crying.
>
> 17. Hide in the clothes rack and yell PICK ME!
>
> 18. When people try to buy stuff, say, "You DO know they're recalling that item
> because people died of poisoning when they ate it/ touched it, right? RIGHT? I
> mean, it was all over the news and my cousin...." (keep babbling on and on
> cheerfully)
>
> 19. Run up to an old man and say, "Grandpa! there you are, come on home now,
> it's time for your schizophrenia medicine" If he protests, go tell the manager
> you need his help cuz your grandpa won't leave.
>
> 20. Turn all the dancing doras and elmos on the shelves and yell "DANCE MY
> MINIONS!!! DANCE!!"
>
> 21. Get out a big dog stuffed animal and just sit there with a squirt gun and
> when people walk by, yell "Get off my lawn!" and squirt them.
>
> 22.I f you see a young woman with a baby, say, "awwww how cute! What's her/his
> name?" When they tell you say, "MOM! I found my little sister/brother you said
> that some fat man kidnapped! Is this what he looked like?!"
>
> 23. Spew yellow gaterade all over the floor, then yell "It wasn't me!"
>
> 24. Go to the intercom and yell "Sale at Target!"
>
> 25.Go to a cashier and say "We have a code red in house appliances"
>
> 26.Ride one of the bikes through the store yelling "The British are comin' The
> British are comin'!"
>
> 27. Go to the service desk and put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
>
> 28. Set an alarm clock, give it to someone, then run screaming "HE?SHE HAS A
> BOMB!"
>
> 29. Get a mountain dew then leave a trail of it to the bathroom.
>
> 30. Go sit in front of a fuzzy T.V. and whenever someone walks by, turn your
> head and say "She's heeeeeere."

A friend of mine used to work at a McDonalds, and once a customer asked him for a Hot Dog. Not as a joke, he was serious

And now a joke. (Hope I don't screw up the translation)

A boy and his father were sitting in a sauna toghether with an old man.
The little boy turns to the old man and asked him "Mister, why are your feet so big?"
"That's because when you have walked as much as I have in my life, your feet will become big." answered the old man.
Then the boy asked "Mister, why are your hands so big?"
"That's becasue when you have worked as much as I have, your hands get big." answered the man.
The little boy then looks down at the man's penis and says "Mister, you haven't peed much in your life have you?"

@bleachfan good job! Those are great!
@110% Those are hilarious! I choose you pikachu!

Now time for my own joke.
Ahem Ahem
What does a fish say when it walks into a wall?
Dam.

I made this joke a long time ago:
[clears throat]
The Dry Bones were all nothing but bones. But which bone did they lack?
They didn't have a

Funny Bone!

Well, I tried.