Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Expand

Twilight looks nervous as if doubting the plan. "Good luck Princess." I hope this works, since if it doesn't I'm not sure I'll have time to teleport us away, even if it would only be two of us.

@LordJumpPony - Don't worry, ponies will be concentrated here as always, just as you like. I doubt you'll see much elsewhere on Nintendolife.

@Twilight_Crow - Where does the card come from? I don't think it's a pony reference. An anime maybe?

@ElectricMastro - Have fun when you go back.

@Everypony - Sorry, I'm done GK's proof-reading, this is a long post

@GuardianKing - As normal for me this is most are suggestions and can be ignored more often then not.

Chapter 1
Go back through this chapter, all the paragraphs need to be indented except for the first.

It is a place where warfare is nonexistent, and often quickly suppressed.

You've got a contradiction here. If it's "nonexistent", then why is it "often quickly suppressed"? The first part says there is none so there shouldn't be any suppressing. I think you might want to change it, but I don't know if you want none period or if you want the second part more where war is stopped quickly. Though I think you might mean that the wars are suppressed before starting, in which case, you might want to be more clear. Maybe,

It is a place where warfare is nonexistent, and is quickly suppressed before any starts.

You'll likely want to play with the wording, but I'm not sure quite what you want.

It is a place where all three races live in peace, thriving not on their rivalries, but on their partnerships.

Since there are more then just ponies in Equestria, you might want to add “pony” after “three”, though this is only a suggestion. This is also a run-on sentence and I would recommend you break it into two sentences or take the comma after rivalries and make it a semicolon. You might want this instead,

It is a place where all three pony races live in peace, thriving not on their rivalries; but on their partnerships.

Seeing them live free and prosper always brought tears to her eyes, and subconsciously spread salt over those old wounds, concealed by centuries gone by.

The comma after “wounds” should likely be a semicolon to stop this from being a run on sentence since two sentences won’t work well here. Also “into those old wounds” sounds better and is clearer then “over those old wounds”. Of course it is an idea you might want to look at.

Seeing them live free and prosper always brought tears to her eyes, and subconsciously spread salt into those old wounds; concealed by centuries gone by.

To her, adopting Twilight into her school, many years ago, meant something bigger, something nopony could've ever suspected.

Run-on sentence. Maybe try a semicolon to remove the run-on, particularly if placed after “ago” and some commas might not be needed which removing them could help the sentence, like maybe the one after “school” as it is not really needed. Maybe this would look better,

To her, adopting Twilight into her school many years ago; meant something bigger, something nopony could've ever suspected.

it meant recovering something she had long lost.

This one just needs a capital letter on “it”.

It meant recovering something she had long lost.

One calm summer evening, in a small town of Ponyville, Celestia's banished sister Luna, now under the alias of Nightmare Moon, shattered the tranquil atmosphere, and proclaimed eternal night.

This would be better as two sentences to avoid being a massive run-on sentence. Also “now” is not needed before “under”, since she has been Nightmare Moon for a long time now. Also no need for a comma before “and”. Try this perhaps,

One calm summer evening, in a small town of Ponyville. Celestia's banished sister Luna, under the alias of Nightmare Moon, shattered the tranquil atmosphere and proclaimed eternal night.

Nightmare Moon had little to no memories of what truly happened then, neither did the Equestrians as a whole.

Try combining the 2 thoughts by “and” instead of a comma as they are simlar ideas.

Nightmare Moon had little to no memories of what truly happened then and neither did the Equestrians as a whole.

Yet, every night for the past thousand years, Celestia cried herself to sleep, often unable to live with what she had done.

Run-on sentence, try a semicolon in after “years” maybe to help with that.

Yet, every night for the past thousand years; Celestia cried herself to sleep, often unable to live with what she had done.

There was much more to her actions, yet only she knew, locking it away inside her unknowingly fragile heart.

Try a semicolon after “knew” to avoid a run-on sentence here.

There was much more to her actions, yet only she knew; locking it away inside her unknowingly fragile heart.

Hidden beneath her indifference and bold nature were the faces of six ponies, long forgotten by time.

This line is fine but since you haven’t shown us an indifferent and bold Celestia, you might want to add a sentence before this one to tell the reader she is hiding her sorrow behind bold and indifferent behaviour.

What Twilight didn't know back then, and still doesn't now, is that she was there when they forged them.

Four things “now” should be “know” I think. This is just a thought, you don’t need “back”before “then” as you just said when this was. Third, change the second comma to a semicolon to avoid a run on sentence. Lastly, If you mean Celesita then change she to Celestia, otherwise it indicates Twilight was at the forging, which doesn’t make alot of sense, unless Twilight has time travelled a few thousand years, losing both age and memory, which would be something you’d write later, I’d think if so.

_What Twilight didn't know then, and still doesn't know; is that Celestia was there when they forged them.

She was there when a plague decimated her kingdom. She was there when her own sister threatened to impale her on the castle walls. She was there when Discord broke her heart, and undid everything she had fought so hard for. She was there when they sacrificed their own lives, just to save the uncertain future of her kingdom.

You should pick the order of events in time as they happen. Remember Luna comes after Discord as Luna and Celestia fought Discord, so that should come before the line with Nightmare Moon. Not sure what order the others come in but I’m sure you do, so I think you’ll know where the others go.

She was there when a plague decimated her kingdom. She was there when Discord broke her heart, and undid everything she had fought so hard for. She was there when her own sister threatened to impale her on the castle walls.She was there when they sacrificed their own lives, just to save the uncertain future of her kingdom.

Chapter 2

I sat there, outside the examination room, ready to show Celestia all I had.

I think you have two sentences here I recommend breaking them apart. Like this maybe,

I sat there, outside the examination room. I was ready to show Celestia all I had.

The village had been hit by the plague, and we were all ill and famished.

Remove the first and, there should only be one and a sentence, the parts before it that could use and should just be commas.

The village had been hit by the plague, we were all ill and famished.

Brother and I figured if I could become Princess Celestia's disciple, maybe we would have a chance.

This isn’t useful but “My” before “Brother” might make the sentence seem smoother and helps indicate it is their brother and not someone else’s even though it seems like it is theirs also, it tells us that it is not a “name” given to their self or someone else.

My brother and I figured if I could become Princess Celestia's disciple, maybe we would have a chance.

Already, just walking here, I saw unicorns dumping trash into the streets, which were poorly built.

Another run-on sentence. I don’t think you need a comma after “already”. Then the last comma could perhaps be a semicolon. Try this maybe?

Already just walking here, I saw unicorns dumping trash into the streets; which were poorly built.

I had a hard time trotting my way here. Guess some wounds just don't heal.

You never bring up what wound or where before or after this and since you just brought it up, you likely should, as it is a thought, coming from the main character and nothing is interpreting.

• Again, I heard clashing steel, a high note being blown in a horn, and cries of warning, telling us to run.*

There was no mention of clashing steel, so “again” is not needed. If it is elaborate more give details and explain why this was “again”. Like maybe, “For the second time since I entered Canterlot,” then go into the rest of the sentence. Other then that the comma after “warning” likely isn’t needed.

. My mane was pale and royal blue, the colors swirling into one on my head.

Only one colour is mentioned. So you might want to remove the bit after the comma since she only has a colour in her mane.

I cried over my former self, lying on the ground dead.

This is a bit weak. Since you have it wrote as if they died. Add a few words to better explain maybe, since you mean the life they lived was left lying dead on the ground. Perhaps this might work?

I ried over my former self, that I left lying on the ground dead.

"Do what you want with in."

I think you want “it”, not “in”

"Do what you want with it."

It's nothing big, just a simple ice spell." They wrote down notes on their parchments.

Only one pony has been mentioned, talking to her before. So unless you elaborate either adding that there were more judging earlier in the chapter then just one, or have the pony speaking announce it to the other ponies with her now. Then it should not be plural as only one pony is judging.

We fell through a trap door, and into some sort of arena.

Your main character is still alone. I understand though you mean everypony fell in, though you’ll need a different way of explaining it to make sense. Maybe and most simply just replace “We” with “Everypony”.

Everypony fell through a trap door, and into some sort of arena.

Chapter 3
Go back through this chapter, all the paragraphs need to be indented except for the first.

They loved getting off the terror, slaughtering without hesitation just so they could grab some riches.

“They loved getting off the terror” makes little sense, maybe you should rephrase it.

I cried for my innocence, as it was lowered into the ground with my father's corpse.

“Lowered into the ground”. It is an interesting way to have innocence die, but lowered is slow, if your innocence just died then and there. Then you likely want a word that suggests that her innocence died faster then what you suggested. Or you might want to expand upon that moment, and send us back to show us why the innocence was lowered, in a slow die off of it.

It was a small cabin, made of pinewood logs, with small clouds of white smoke puffing out their limestone chimney.

I don’t think, though I could be wrong, that you don’t need a comma after cabin, as you’re describing the cabin you just mentioned.

It was a small cabin made of pinewood logs, with small clouds of white smoke puffing out their limestone chimney.

Mother and I heard people scream. Soon after, we were pulled apart from each other.

Lots here. First “people scream” should be “ponies scream”. Then you have them pulled apart. Two problems with that, first you never had them holding each other, second you have them alone in the woods, who is there to pull them apart? If not alone, you gave no indication that the forest has ponies moving through it.

Chapter 4
I know you are use to French but since you are writing the fan fic for an English reading audience and since you don’t explain some of them afterwards, I think you might want to translate the “fancy talk” by having it translated after in brackets as to not alienate alot of readers.

A sharp pain shocked my foreleft hoof.

From what I can tell “foreleft” should be “fore left” I can find no indication of the existence of foreleft as one word. Add a dash between them to connect them perhaps.
A sharp pain shocked my fore-left hoof.

I don't get it... Why is it so hard for everypony, including my servants, to pronounce my name? Seule; is that too hard?

You’ve had no dialogue before this to indicate that anypony has trouble pronouncing her name. The previous mention of anyone talking to her was brushed off by a quick narration.

Seule; is that too hard?

I’m not sure if you need a semicolon here, a comma is likely all you need. I’m not sure though about it.

Seule, is that too hard?

Chapter 5

At this time of year, our vineyard was filled with drunken innkeepers, hoarding our load into their chariots, ready to get drunk once again.

I think you want a semicolon after innkeepers as you are connecting two ideas. Then I think you mean carts not chariots, chariots are not something for carrying supplies.

At this time of year, our vineyard was filled with drunken innkeepers; hoarding our load into their carts, ready to get drunk once again.

Seventeen years ago, when mah mother was jus' a young, hardworkin mare, a drunken earth pony came i, and started hittin on her.

I think you want a semicolon after mare as the sentence is changing a bit. then “i” should be a captial.

Seventeen years ago, when mah mother was jus' a young, hardworkin mare; a drunken earth pony came I, and started hittin on her.

It was the whip he used to hit my grandma.

Do you mean grandpa since he was the one he beat up and the grandma wasn’t mentioned before.

No matter how much mud they'd throw at me, no matter how dirty I had to get, no matter how much blood on my hooves from the fights I fight, there was no way to hide my emerald green mane.

“fights I fight” should be “fights I fought” as they have happened since you used from and the blood is already on her hoofs.

No matter how much mud they'd throw at me, no matter how dirty I had to get, no matter how much blood on my hooves from the fights I fought, there was no way to hide my emerald green mane.

Chapter 6

Obviously, there had to be more of this than I thought.

I think you want “to this” not “of this”.

Obviously, there had to be more to this than I thought.

Now onto the two points that you wanted to hear about.

First the pacing;
I think that is easiest to explain. You are almost jumping about inside paragraphs. You need to elaborate to slow things down. I have some pointed out above where suddenly ponies come out of nowhere or details seem to be missing. It makes the story seem rushed. Which is likely what they meant. Trying maybe looking for those missing details and filling them in, don't just tell us an event, do a flash back and show us the event. Try little things like that, they'll add to the story and help with the pacing.

Second the narration;
Lucky for you this can be somewhat covered by dealing with the pacing. Basically, you've been narrating through, in the sense that rather then write a flashback/memory or include details like conversations. You just kind of narrate past them. Which leads to the ,mentioning that the writing does little to engage the reader. Fortunately you can take both of these out by adding to what you wrote, which will help the story out vastly.

Good luck, with it.