
Right. Okay. Are you sitting down? Good. Don't move. It's Friday the 13th of May, and you know what that means, right? No, it's not Jason Vorhees' birthday — it's the unluckiest day of the year, for... reasons. And this one's especially bad, if you believe in superstition and astrology, because Mercury is also in retrograde, which means that, um, it's doing something that makes things bad. Just go with it!
With two such catastrophic events happening at the same time, I want to make sure that you, our dear readers, are safe, so you can continue to read our articles stay alive. So whatever you do — don't leave the house. Don't get in the car. Don't go anywhere. Just stay inside, and play video games, and make sure that you're playing them as safely as possible.
To help you out, I've made a short list of how to play some popular games on Switch in the least dangerous way possible...
How To Play Games The Most Safely
Ring Fit Adventure
Seriously? You're doing cardio, on a day like today? You're mad. But if I can't stop you, I can at least help you. Think of all the ways that Ring Fit could kill you: You could accidentally strangle yourself with the ring while attempting a squat; you could fall backwards while doing yoga and impale yourself on the armrest of the sofa; you could be so overwhelmed by Dragaux's musculature that all the blood rushes to your cheeks and then you die because the blood isn't in all your important bits. I am not a doctor.
How do you avoid all these terrible fates? Simple: Stay on the sofa, and pretend to exercise, but don't. It still counts, probably — and we've all played Wii Sports and Wii Fit this way, haven't we? Ring can't tell if you're jogging or just wiggling the Joy-Con, but be sure to wiggle gently, lest you smack yourself in the face and lose all your teeth.
Earthbound
Haha! Cross-promotion! If you're playing Earthbound because I told you to, then I like you, but also, make sure to take precautions. Just like it was in the '90s, Earthbound is all about a group of unsupervised children travelling to towns and getting beaten up by cops infected with some kind of brain-virus.
In retro JRPG style, the monsters and brain-poisoned adults will make a beeline for you as soon as they see you, which makes it a little hard to avoid them, and they can all run much faster than you. It's a risk-reward situation, though, because beating them gives you money, which can be used to buy healing items and better equipment. So what can you do?
Remember that it's a JRPG and do what all JRPGs want you to do: grind. Go back to one of the earlier areas and kill a bunch of dogs and spacemen (again, just like the '90s!) until you have fat stacks o'cash, make sure to call your dad to get the cash sent to you, and just do that for the entirety of Friday 13th. The rest of the game will be a breeze in comparison.
Minecraft
What do the deadliest things in Minecraft — lava, mobs, fall damage — all have in common? That's right! They are outside of your house. The best way to avoid them all is to make your house as small and impenetrable as possible. Build yourself a nice dirt cube with just enough room for you and any other friends you want to keep safe, and just stay there for however long you want to play Minecraft on Friday 13th!
Bonus points if you build your miserable protection cube out of something explosion-proof like obsidian, but be aware that gathering obsidian is scary and dangerous, so this method only works if you already have some. Isn't safety fun?
Pokémon (any of them)
You know who's a threat in the Pokémon games? The Elite Four. Team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.]. Literally anyone standing on a pathway. Tall grass. Wild animals. Your best friend/rival. Even the Pokémon Professors, who are apparently content to make a pre-teen do all their research work.
You know who's not a threat? Your mum. She's probably never seen tall grass in her life. All she does is wait at home and occasionally call you (much like a real mum). Go spend the day with her! Show her all your Pokémon! Tell her about the world that she's never had the chance to explore! Actually, no, don't take her outside, she might die! Stay in the house!!!
Stardew Valley
The safest way to play Stardew Valley is to treat yourself like a toddler: Don't talk to strangers, don't go into caves, and go to bed early. Your parsnips and cows can survive one day without you — and besides, livestock can be dangerous. One well-placed kick in the head and you're toast, and Harvey isn't a good enough doctor to help you.
Super Mario Maker 2
Don't tempt fate with all the bells and whistles in Mario's toolkit — just make yourself a nice, pleasant walk along a totally straight path. No enemies, no holes, no unpleasant surprises — just Mario and his thoughts. Doesn't that sound lovely?
Untitled Goose Game
This one's a bit different, because you're the one causing everyone bad luck and misfortune, so how about this: Just take the day off. Stop being a chaotic nuisance and just be a goose instead. Stay in the pond. Honk if you must. But just leave everyone alone, or you might end up as lunch.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
It's dangerous to go alone — so why bother? Even if you're playing in Master Mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT'S FRIDAY 13TH) there's a nice safe place for you: The very, very beginning of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (uh, sorry, spoilers) and eat baked apples forever. Maybe he'll get bored of waiting and just tell you everything you need to know without you having to do all the (scary, dangerous) shrines...
Dark Souls
Don't.
Stay safe out there, gamers — and tell us your tips for not-dying in the comments! But please be careful not to cut yourself on the keyboard.
Comments (40)
I played Epic Chef PS4 on this Friday 13 May 2022.
Oh, also 13 is my special number.
I had to stop playing Dark Souls in handheld mode because Nintendo Switches can be thrown pretty far. I assume.
@Mattock1987 : I know a guy that destroyed several of his PS4 controllers in frustration (honestly, why even bother playing games that cause stress rather than alleviate it?!).
Better that than Switches though.
I'm going to take my chances, and celebrate by playing Friday the 13th on switch!
Asynchronous showdown time!
@Silly_G that’s actually impressive- I imagine it takes a lot force to destroy a PS4 controller. Tbh I gave up on Dark Souls. It’s not enjoyable, and I will never git gud.
The unluckiest day of the year is also my birthday!
I’m playing the new Evil Dead game.
Why is this day an unlucky day? I never understood that.
I plan to pickup Evil Dead: The Game for PS5 on my way home from work today. Will be streaming it on my twitch tonight because that's how you game on Friday 13th
The gargoyles in Undead Parish wiped the floor (er, roof) with me even on Thursday the 12th... I considered another go today, but this article reinforces my suspicion that it would be a waste of more souls and my remaining resin. Maybe I'll try my luck later when wearing something sturdier and preferably fireproof.😆
I may also try and avoid any time trials in NFS Hot Pursuit today - I have those up to here as it is.😏
@Wurstsemmel753
Peoples just too overreact with number 13 superstition.
Every numbers are good, even 13.
If 13 is unlucky number, after date 12 it will be skipped to 14 or 12A.
13 was just normal number like other number, for my case 13 was my special number.
@Sakisa
I'd support the new evil dead game, but I refuse to use the epic store, and it isn't out for switch, yet.
So, eventually I'll be trying it out. . . Just not yet.
I went down to the supermarket to shop, it started to rain and I got a bit wet. Hope that's all the bad luck I'll get.. But only a little over 5 hours to go, hope I'll survive.
Forget all that. Risk it all with the Friday the 13th game, both of the ones on the switch!
I've been playing Ni No Kuni II and just avoiding the rubbish skirmish missions entirely for the sake of my own sanity.
For Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order, force-pushing enemies from high places seems like a safe way to go about things.
Uh oh. I donated blood this morning.
I just bought Kirby and the Misplaced Tundra, or whatever the h. Maybe that will balance things. I do have to drive home, however. Wish me luck.
Oh, I'll be playing the hell out of Elden Ring and Dark Souls
NINJA APPROVED
@Nancyboy Did you make it?
@BloodNinja Not yet. Got four and a half hours left.
@Nancyboy Stay strong, and drink a lot of blood.
I was laughing to myself during the entirety of this article, but the last section about Dark Souls got me the most.
@Mattock1987 I once raged/threw my switch after raging at Splatoon 2 Octo. Yes, Splatoon 2. Cost me a joycon, i have learned…
This article was perfect for my mood today. We are putting a new backdoor and door frame on our house, and we have found strange, strange things the previous owners did. (This happens a lot whenever we do any remodeling). Hopefully the rest turns out ok.
I think tonight will call for some Earthbound. That world is less weird than mine on some days.... hehe
I love these lighthearted Kate Gray articles. Her humour always makes me smile.
Instructions were unclear. Chose to just be a goose. Stayed in the pond. Honked only once. Police were called almost immediately. This feather costume is really hard to run in.
The Ring Fit ring did shoot out from between my legs during a battle. Thankfully, that did not kick off a Final Destination style chain reaction that led to my demise.
i love how i didnt read the author of the article at the top, started browsing through it, and immediately knew who was writing it
Kate i vibe with your sense of humor lol
I played (and completed) Elden Ring on my Xbox Series S today, lol
@Sonos You'd die happy at least, lol
I love how dark souls is just don't
I’m reading this outside, in my car. I’m probably already dead and just don’t know it.
Literally didn't realise it was Friday the 13th until I saw this article lol.
I had like 7 meetings at work today; a day can't get much deadlier than that.
The letter B is just a 13 all scrunched together.
Oh yeah completely forgot
Talk about slow. Get on my Timezone, it’s already Saturday the 14th!
NOTE: JOKE
"All she does is wait at home and occasionally call you (much like a real mum)." Wow @KateGray, sexist much?
@FishyS Yuck… I cringed just thinking about that.
@NintendomPower That's funny. I had a hunch it was her from the title and subtitle. It really was a nice upbeat article.
Played Zombie Army Trilogy.
Feels like a good fit.
Don't worry, Little Big Planet 3's fan horror films always help. The Blank Page, I recommend.
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