In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag".
We don't have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, it's Friday 13th, and Kate just wants you to stay safe...
[Originally published on May 13th, 2022]
Right. Okay. Are you sitting down? Good. Don't move. It's Friday the 13th once more, and you know what that means, right? No, it's not Jason Vorhees' birthday — it's the unluckiest day of the year, for... reasons. And this one's especially bad, if you believe in superstition and astrology, because Mercury is also in retrograde, which means that, um, it's doing something that makes things bad. Just go with it!
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With two such catastrophic events happening at the same time, I want to make sure that you, our dear readers, are safe, so you can continue to read our articles stay alive. So whatever you do — don't leave the house. Don't get in the car. Don't go anywhere. Just stay inside, and play video games, and make sure that you're playing them as safely as possible.
To help you out, I've made a short list of how to play some popular games on Switch in the least dangerous way possible...
How To Play Games The Most Safely
Ring Fit Adventure
Seriously? You're doing cardio, on a day like today? You're mad. But if I can't stop you, I can at least help you. Think of all the ways that Ring Fit could kill you: You could accidentally strangle yourself with the ring while attempting a squat; you could fall backwards while doing yoga and impale yourself on the armrest of the sofa; you could be so overwhelmed by Dragaux's musculature that all the blood rushes to your cheeks and then you die because the blood isn't in all your important bits. I am not a doctor.
How do you avoid all these terrible fates? Simple: Stay on the sofa, and pretend to exercise, but don't. It still counts, probably — and we've all played Wii Sports and Wii Fit this way, haven't we? Ring can't tell if you're jogging or just wiggling the Joy-Con, but be sure to wiggle gently, lest you smack yourself in the face and lose all your teeth.
Minecraft
What do the deadliest things in Minecraft — lava, mobs, fall damage — all have in common? That's right! They are outside of your house. The best way to avoid them all is to make your house as small and impenetrable as possible. Build yourself a nice dirt cube with just enough room for you and any other friends you want to keep safe, and just stay there for however long you want to play Minecraft on Friday 13th!
Bonus points if you build your miserable protection cube out of something explosion-proof like obsidian, but be aware that gathering obsidian is scary and dangerous, so this method only works if you already have some. Isn't safety fun?
Pokémon (any of them)
You know who's a threat in the Pokémon games? The Elite Four. Team [Rocket/Magma/Plasma etc.]. Literally anyone standing on a pathway. Tall grass. Wild animals. Your best friend/rival. Even the Pokémon Professors, who are apparently content to make a pre-teen do all their research work.
You know who's not a threat? Your mum. She's probably never seen tall grass in her life. All she does is wait at home and occasionally call you (much like a real mum). Go spend the day with her! Show her all your Pokémon! Tell her about the world that she's never had the chance to explore! Actually, no, don't take her outside, she might die! Stay in the house!!!
Stardew Valley
The safest way to play Stardew Valley is to treat yourself like a toddler: Don't talk to strangers, don't go into caves, and go to bed early. Your parsnips and cows can survive one day without you — and besides, livestock can be dangerous. One well-placed kick in the head and you're toast, and Harvey isn't a good enough doctor to help you.
Super Mario Maker 2
Don't tempt fate with all the bells and whistles in Mario's toolkit — just make yourself a nice, pleasant walk along a totally straight path. No enemies, no holes, no unpleasant surprises — just Mario and his thoughts. Doesn't that sound lovely?
Untitled Goose Game
This one's a bit different, because you're the one causing everyone bad luck and misfortune, so how about this: Just take the day off. Stop being a chaotic nuisance and just be a goose instead. Stay in the pond. Honk if you must. But just leave everyone alone, or you might end up as lunch.
Earthbound
Haha! Cross-promotion! If you're playing Earthbound because I told you to, then I like you, but also, make sure to take precautions. Just like it was in the '90s, Earthbound is all about a group of unsupervised children travelling to towns and getting beaten up by cops infected with some kind of brain-virus.
In retro JRPG style, the monsters and brain-poisoned adults will make a beeline for you as soon as they see you, which makes it a little hard to avoid them, and they can all run much faster than you. It's a risk-reward situation, though, because beating them gives you money, which can be used to buy healing items and better equipment. So what can you do?
Remember that it's a JRPG and do what all JRPGs want you to do: grind. Go back to one of the earlier areas and kill a bunch of dogs and spacemen (again, just like the '90s!) until you have fat stacks o'cash, make sure to call your dad to get the cash sent to you, and just do that for the entirety of Friday 13th. The rest of the game will be a breeze in comparison.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
It's dangerous to go alone — so why bother? Even if you're playing in Master Mode (WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IT'S FRIDAY 13TH) there's a nice safe place for you: The very, very beginning of the game. Sit down with King Rhoam (uh, sorry, spoilers) and eat baked apples forever. Maybe he'll get bored of waiting and just tell you everything you need to know without you having to do all the (scary, dangerous) shrines...
Dark Souls
Don't.
Stay safe out there, gamers — and tell us your tips for not-dying in the comments! But please be careful not to cut yourself on the keyboard.
Comments 50
I played Epic Chef PS4 on this Friday 13 May 2022.
Oh, also 13 is my special number.
I had to stop playing Dark Souls in handheld mode because Nintendo Switches can be thrown pretty far. I assume.
@Mattock1987 : I know a guy that destroyed several of his PS4 controllers in frustration (honestly, why even bother playing games that cause stress rather than alleviate it?!).
Better that than Switches though.
I'm going to take my chances, and celebrate by playing Friday the 13th on switch!
Asynchronous showdown time!
@Silly_G that’s actually impressive- I imagine it takes a lot force to destroy a PS4 controller. Tbh I gave up on Dark Souls. It’s not enjoyable, and I will never git gud.
The unluckiest day of the year is also my birthday!
I’m playing the new Evil Dead game.
I plan to pickup Evil Dead: The Game for PS5 on my way home from work today. Will be streaming it on my twitch tonight because that's how you game on Friday 13th
The gargoyles in Undead Parish wiped the floor (er, roof) with me even on Thursday the 12th... I considered another go today, but this article reinforces my suspicion that it would be a waste of more souls and my remaining resin. Maybe I'll try my luck later when wearing something sturdier and preferably fireproof.😆
I may also try and avoid any time trials in NFS Hot Pursuit today - I have those up to here as it is.😏
@Wurstsemmel753
Peoples just too overreact with number 13 superstition.
Every numbers are good, even 13.
If 13 is unlucky number, after date 12 it will be skipped to 14 or 12A.
13 was just normal number like other number, for my case 13 was my special number.
@Sakisa
I'd support the new evil dead game, but I refuse to use the epic store, and it isn't out for switch, yet.
So, eventually I'll be trying it out. . . Just not yet.
I went down to the supermarket to shop, it started to rain and I got a bit wet. Hope that's all the bad luck I'll get.. But only a little over 5 hours to go, hope I'll survive.
Forget all that. Risk it all with the Friday the 13th game, both of the ones on the switch!
Uh oh. I donated blood this morning.
I just bought Kirby and the Misplaced Tundra, or whatever the h. Maybe that will balance things. I do have to drive home, however. Wish me luck.
Oh, I'll be playing the hell out of Elden Ring and Dark Souls
NINJA APPROVED
@Nancyboy Did you make it?
@BloodNinja Not yet. Got four and a half hours left.
@Nancyboy Stay strong, and drink a lot of blood.
I was laughing to myself during the entirety of this article, but the last section about Dark Souls got me the most.
@Mattock1987 I once raged/threw my switch after raging at Splatoon 2 Octo. Yes, Splatoon 2. Cost me a joycon, i have learned…
This article was perfect for my mood today. We are putting a new backdoor and door frame on our house, and we have found strange, strange things the previous owners did. (This happens a lot whenever we do any remodeling). Hopefully the rest turns out ok.
I think tonight will call for some Earthbound. That world is less weird than mine on some days.... hehe
Instructions were unclear. Chose to just be a goose. Stayed in the pond. Honked only once. Police were called almost immediately. This feather costume is really hard to run in.
The Ring Fit ring did shoot out from between my legs during a battle. Thankfully, that did not kick off a Final Destination style chain reaction that led to my demise.
i love how i didnt read the author of the article at the top, started browsing through it, and immediately knew who was writing it
Kate i vibe with your sense of humor lol
I played (and completed) Elden Ring on my Xbox Series S today, lol
@Sonos You'd die happy at least, lol
I’m reading this outside, in my car. I’m probably already dead and just don’t know it.
Literally didn't realise it was Friday the 13th until I saw this article lol.
I had like 7 meetings at work today; a day can't get much deadlier than that.
The letter B is just a 13 all scrunched together.
Oh yeah completely forgot
Talk about slow. Get on my Timezone, it’s already Saturday the 14th!
NOTE: JOKE
"All she does is wait at home and occasionally call you (much like a real mum)." Wow @KateGray, sexist much?
@FishyS Yuck… I cringed just thinking about that.
@NintendomPower That's funny. I had a hunch it was her from the title and subtitle. It really was a nice upbeat article.
Played Zombie Army Trilogy.
Feels like a good fit.
Don't worry, Little Big Planet 3's fan horror films always help. The Blank Page, I recommend.
@TheRealMr_Carpainter well if you put it that way, at least she's there for the player, unlike the other parential unit
The Dark Souls one got me. 😂
@PharoneTheGnome The Kirito guy is still alive??? You haven't said anything since 2019!
@EllaTheKawaiiNeko Nevermind he was still talking, I'm stupid.
Wish I stayed at ho me had a day from hell at work today everything went wrong that could
It's bad luck to be superstitious
@Sisilly_G I'll never understand that either. I used to take challenges to the extreme as well. But I never understood it. Now, when I'm solving a sudoku or a picross or a game of freecell and it's no longer enjoyable, I quit. I still do those kind of games on the hardest, but they can't cause stress. Just a mental challenge or mental tiredness when you've been staring at them for too long without advancing.
As for gaming safely on friday the 13th, I took the risk of playing some games of freecell, and so far haven't got a papercut from playing with cards.
I was born on Friday the 13th, so I'll play whatever games I feel like.
So far, just Pokemon Go.
I had my dose of misfortune by not having enough time to play Persona 5 yesterday!
Jokes aside, I simply kept on with the rest of my gaming schedule so I played Three Hopes.
@Mattock1987 bubble wrap.🧐
@Shambo : I also tend to quit when things get too tough. Super Mario 3D World's extra difficult stages are so freaking frustrating. I couldn't do it on Wii U and I didn't try all that much on Switch (though I had come very close on a handful of occasions).
It's unfortunate, because I would like to be able to fully complete the games otherwise.
I also recall a level in New Super Mario Bros. Wii which probably took me over 70 attempts. I got there in the end. The controls weren't ideal though. The tougher levels in New Super Mario/Luigi Bros. U were a lot more doable (and I completed them a second time on Switch) thanks to the Classic Controller Pro and the Gamepad.
Picross games are rarely stressful, though I do get annoyed when I'm occasionally stuck, but suspending the puzzle and coming back to it with a fresh set of eyes usually does the trick (and I can always solve other puzzles in the meantime).
And one of my most masochistic challenges was trying to beat Commander Keen 4 and 5 in Hard difficulty without saving mid-level. The games are merciless as hell, and certain enemies are infuriating as you can't see them coming and their movements can be RNG heavy. Gravitational Damping Hub from Keen 5 was byfar the hardest level in the game. I must have died about 80 times.
@Sisilly_G Yeah that's why I like these puzzle games. You can quit after staring at them for ten minutes, come back, and instantly see your nex move.
I have no more patience for frustrating game design, but I like an occasional challenge still.
I remember in the Gamecube days, Playing REmake on every difficulty even when it wasn't even remotely fun anymore, or MGS Twin Snakes on a difficulty I remember as where being so much as spotted during stealth gameplay meant instant game over.Or later, games like Zombi U with instant perma death (if you so chose, and I only did it after several playthroughs on easy and normal or whatever they were called). Or other just games I played so many times before, like doing a no-death run on hard in Chronos: Before the Ashes, just because I love the game and the challenge, but nothing is at stake (but it does not feel that way when you're close to death, it is just easy to accept if or when you do fail, you challenged yourself after all, and the game is not holding anything from you). Now I want to recover from a misstep in-game, or quickly retry after failing in an honest way without redoing what I already did.
Or I want to do stupid things, like a custom event in Wreckfest where I drive the small police car against aggresive ai heavy vehicles on a track that gives me no chance to survive, and see how far I get in a fifteen lap race. I managed to win just because the ai tends to also destroy each other and even losing is fun then, and no required progress is locked behind this challenge. Or run around guns blazing in Sniper Elite 4's survival mode using only an smg and explosives.
I actually never played Commander Keen, I'll look for it on youtube to get an idea.
If anyone wanted to play Friday 13th: Killer Puzzle, but hasn't bought it yet, you've got until January 23rd when it will be delisted on all platforms (they couldn't renew the licence). Also until then it's free on Steam.
@EllaTheKawaiiNeko lol I have been around, but I haven't been logged in to reply to anything for ever.
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