Hello! Kerry here, your inept but endlessly enthusiastic guide through the dangerous and thrilling world of Monster Hunter 4. At the behest of the kind and gracious Nintendo Life overlords, I've been locked away in a small room for days on end and tasked with playing as much of the Japanese version as humanly possible, with only short breaks permitted for essentials: going to the toilet, drinking lukewarm water, consuming stale bread and charging the 3DS battery. But fear not! I'm having fun, honest.

Each part in this series is going to feature a particular enemy – both old and new – just to give everyone a taste for the game even if they can’t play it themselves. My pain is your pleasure! Or is that the other way around?

I thought the best place to start would be with the first major battle in the game — a fight against a Great Jaggi at the request of one of Balbare’s residents. Great Jaggi first appeared in Monster Hunter Tri, but as someone with far too many games and not enough time to play them, this was my first encounter with the beast – how hard could it be? We aren't even in proper Wyvern territory yet, after all. Piece of cake, right?

As it turns out, I embarrassed myself completely and brought great shame on hunters everywhere. I’m so, so sorry — please don’t tell anyone. Especially not the Nintendo Life bosses, as they'll cut my food rations.

I went in with a bow because hey, I like bows. Bows are cool. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I started the quest that I remembered that I'm about as good with a bow as the average cat is at quantum physics, and the harsh words coming out of my mouth (apologies, Mum) probably did more damage to Great Jaggi than my bad-targeted arrows ever did.

That didn't matter though, because I had some backup — pockets stuffed to bursting with potions, paint-balls and other useful things…I assumed they were, anyway. For some reason, when I went looking for a much-needed potion after being knocked about by everything in the area, I found only a huge selection of wet fish in there — freshly caught in the quest before. Oh dear.

Shortly after, I was treated to my first ride on Monster Hunter 4’s cat cart, unceremoniously dumped at the camp-site and still with a Jaggi to kill. The damned thing was asleep in his nest this time, so at least I could see I’d done some damage to him before he tore me to ribbons (again). My cheap shot to the head while he slept didn't inflict as much damage as I’d hoped for and it wasn't long before I was making a “tactical retreat” to go hunt for some herbs. He did go down in the end, but I'm sure I felt worse than he did. I tried to comfort myself with the thought of the lovely hat his hide was going to make.

Did you want to see all of this in action? Well…you can’t, because I didn't record that — it would have been irrefutable evidence of my questionable skill, and I don't want my water allowance to be reduced even further by the kind and benevolent rulers of Nintendo Life Towers. Fear not though, because with Kerry on the case you’re never far from a badly prepared run against even the wimpiest of enemies!

Here’s a depressingly similar video of me struggling with Great Jaggi, this time using the Monster Hunter 4 exclusive Insect Staff in an equally incompetent manner. Enjoy, and see you next time, when I've hopefully honed my skills to a more acceptable level and have been allowed out of my isolation chamber for a quick stroll and perhaps even a sleep.