@Tare I don't know anymore... People do enjoy it, but that greedy persona of mine, hidden deep in my sub-conscious wants to please everyone. Do keep in mind that I'm still really young. I don't know about how it was for your guys, but generally the people of my age are generally easily influenced. In my case, i aim to please everyone. I'm a person who doesn't know how to properly relax (I take everything seriously, it sucks I know). I like having both positive and negative feedback. When I get negative feedback, I generally try to alter things, bu end up displeasing others. I know I should write because I want to, but I feel like these characters from my fanfic seem... Desperate. That's why I think my original story is better; the characters in it are mine. They are people I won't ever change no matter what others say.
@Tare I don't know anymore... People do enjoy it, but that greedy persona of mine, hidden deep in my sub-conscious wants to please everyone. Do keep in mind that I'm still really young. I don't know about how it was for your guys, but generally the people of my age are generally easily influenced. In my case, i aim to please everyone. I'm a person who doesn't know how to properly relax (I take everything seriously, it sucks I know). I like having both positive and negative feedback. When I get negative feedback, I generally try to alter things, bu end up displeasing others. I know I should write because I want to, but I feel like these characters from my fanfic seem... Desperate. That's why I think my original story is better; the characters in it are mine. They are people I won't ever change no matter what others say.
It's something of a good practice to have an ending in mind before you write a story. Then, you want a point. Something that will attach a reader to the character(s).
The rest is up to your style of fluff.
Advice is something that is hard to follow. It's best you try to mimic a style of writing that sounds like a bell to you. As you copy it, something shall evolve from that. It won't be the exact same, but it shouldn't be. It'll be your unique style.
@GuardianKing Oh but I did give possitive input at one point, if I recall correctly.... yeah here it was:
Twilight_Crow wrote:
4564. Posted: Sat 4th Feb 2012 22:35 CST @ZeroX Ok, read your story, you are better at descrption than myself, and have a great imagination, but It needs a lot of polishing.
That hasn't changed, lots of imagination, real good descriptions and your writing itself is not, by any means, bad. That said, I am harsh cause tbh I wish other's were harsh to critic my story when they have the knowledge to do so. Harshest critic so far was the EQD prereader and because he give me a harsh review, at least I got some pointers to improve. Which is what I want you to do. I like praise like everypony, but it has never helped me write better.
Wait, you want to please everyone? , Impossible? no. Incredibly improbable, and hardest than coding in binary? yes. Don't try it, just don't. Please yourself, write something YOU would like to read. Then improve from there. Just treat your fic as your original story, I do that with mine.
Now, to help you see what I mean I want to be honest with you, I don't like your story. Papapa, that doesn't mean I think is bad. I'm a picky reader in general, with weeeird tastes. And when talking about Pony, I don't read stories staring OC ponies (especially Alicorn OC ponies), unless it has a well thought topic that catches my attention. Yours has never done it, any of your versions. You have never please me, and you shouldn't try cause in that case you would have to change all your story, and what the heck would be the point? I read your story to help you improve as a writter with an objective input, because I feel I've read enough Pony fics to know what I'm talking about when I critic your work. And I'll keep doing it, for as long as you want.
I hope I didn't offend you. You need to learn to relax, so don't wait for later in life to do that, k?
I'm pretty okay.
Formerly Destroyer360, Destroyer64, DestroyerInsertYourFavoriteRandomNumbersHere.
"Purple is a color." - Waluigi
Wait, quotes should be meaningful? Ugh, fine.
"I'm useless, but not for long. The future is coming on." - Gorillaz
May the bluntness feel most avoided, but I did not find it compelling. Your grammar, vocabulary, characterizations, were all well constructed, they all "fit". But all we really received was some character development that has little meaning in the world of canon. Though that isn't my main concern, my snag focuses more on the fact that no story was really told. In a sense, nothing happened. We got to see the possible inside of the mind of Celestia, though her interpretation of being harsh to Luna is a bit overused in my opinion.
To put it in a metaphor, it's like you have a multitudinous amount of wonderful Lego bricks, you simply don't know what to build. /Opinion.
Sorry I can't comment on everyone great stuff as usual.
Glad you like it Pinkie. Hey, who is that behind you? Is that that hoo-man?
Like: Sonic, Yoshi, Link, and Samus
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Previously Applejacklove
Discostew: "I am the terror that trots in the night!...
@Tare Hey, First of all thank you for reading. Within the Night Bringers is my second written down story in english, and I think I may have tried a too experimental thing with it. But it all is a learning experience.
I'm not telling a story as in telling the situations as they unravell, I'm telling the readers, not what is happening, but what ia going on in the princesses minds. So when they get obsessed about something, I write about how that thought keeps getting into their minds over and over. What is happening around them, the situations, are the background and are not important unless it's important for the princess at that moment. I know it's weird, and it's been hard, but it's the way I thought it.
I'm a bit blocked at the moment so I may try witting something a bit more ordinary soon before continuing WTNB, but I'm not abandoning it.
@Tare Hey, First of all thank you for reading. Within the Night Bringers is my second written down story in english, and I think I may have tried a too experimental thing with it. But it all is a learning experience.
I'm not telling a story as in telling the situations as thay unravell, I'm telling the readers, not what is happening, but what ia going on in the princesses minds. So when they get obsessed about something, I write about how that thought keeps getting into their minds over and over. What is happening around them, the situations, are the background and are not important unless it's important for the princess at that moment. I know is weird, and it's been hard, but is the way I thought it. I'm a bit blocked at the moment so I may try witting something a bit more ordinary soon before continuing WTNB, but I'm not abandoning it.
I'd actually argue the opposite is true.
This story doesn't take any risks. It's well defended. There's nothing wrong with it other than the fact that it's, I hesitate to use the word, boring. You didn't try any exciting events, it's merely as you said, thoughts of Princess Celestia. You should try things no one else has tried, try things that don't happen very often. Try to make the reader relate to one of the characters.
Pinpointing what's wrong is hard, because nothing is. Perhaps it's a bit too short, it feels like things have been a bit crammed, as if we're thrust upon one emotion to the next without any time to transition into it. As if we're simply told to feel this emotion.
Gasp! Chubby, you're back! Let's have a welcome back party when we get back to Ponyville! Where've you been?"
I'm pretty okay.
Formerly Destroyer360, Destroyer64, DestroyerInsertYourFavoriteRandomNumbersHere.
"Purple is a color." - Waluigi
Wait, quotes should be meaningful? Ugh, fine.
"I'm useless, but not for long. The future is coming on." - Gorillaz
This story doesn't take any risks. It's well defended. There's nothing wrong with it other than the fact that it's, I hesitate to use the word, boring. You didn't try any exciting events, it's merely as you said, thoughts of Princess Celestia. You should try things no one else has tried, try things that don't happen very often. Try to make the reader relate to one of the characters.
Pinpointing what's wrong is hard, because nothing is. Perhaps it's a bit to short, it feels like things have been a bit crammed, as if we're thrust upon one emotion to the next without any time to transition into it. As if we're simply told to feel this emotion.
Conflict didn't really exist in this story.
You my friend are correct, as I am experimenting with being "boring". No, there is no other coflict in this story than the Nightmare Moon event at the beggining. And btw I would like you to tell me what you think about my little battle chapter, is it as boring as the rest?
I'm not trying exciting events, definetely no, The center of the story is the constant day a day of the Princesses after Luna's banishment. Nothing excited. But I have found people that enjoy it, and most importantly I enjoy it. I've been trying to show the princesses emotions in a way that others can relate to them though, and perhaps I have failed, I am an amateur after all. Neen to practise more.
Maybe my setting is what's really the problem here. I'm going to try and put Horus and Saevin in a different story; Foals of Eden. I'll try and write a bit more plot summary, and you guys can judge afterwards. The story for t&d seems too "last-minute". The plot I have (basically a pontifices version of my unrevealed title Children of Eden).
The train came to a screeching halt. Slowly, all of the passengers began to disembark. Among these passengers, was the Paranormal Detective himself, RevolverFlare. After his month long trip to Manehatan (investigating a paranormal murder), Revolver was happy to be back in PonyVille; He found the big city to be quite noisy and full of violence and crime. He took in a deep breath of that fresh country air, as he stretched his legs.... But, he didn't feel his legs touch the ground. Revolver smacked his head. It's not that he couldn't feel his legs, they just happened to not be there at the moment. He still doesn't get the hang of being a ghost. Who would seriously get the hang of being a ghost in just a couple of weeks? Anyway, the ghost part isn't important. Well, it is, but just not now. No, what is important is getting to his old partner, Pinkie Pie, and solve the mystery of who murdered the great detective.
Princess Celestia stepped out of the train and looked over her sun glasses towards the Hoo-man ghost with a Trollface "It wasn't me, I was too busy on Las Pegas... er on my diplomatic mission." She turned her face watching over Ponyville "Btw sorry for your demmise."
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