Topic: The Chit-Chat Thread

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Depressed rant alert

Catch me at an unguarded moment and you might find me questioning if it's even true I am from this country. I've been experiencing culture shock or whatever far more upon "returning" to the US than I ever did when I moved to Japan. I think America has changed far more in 5 years than even the talking heads in the media suggest it has. It might be more noticeable coming from Japan, a nation of the most polite and kindest people I have ever met, but people here... often aren't. I find myself just not wanting to socialize. People aren't just different from how they are in Japan, they are different than my own memories of growing up here. People are harsher, more direct, more in your face about their views. Security and police don't give any impression of being there for the protection of the people. Workers in stores seem to have this weary resignation that they're gonna be treated horribly if not by the customers then by their bosses. It almost feels like they flinch back when I've spoken to them. I've had some look surprised when I thanked them. Is that so rare?

And things are just so different. Every car on the road is massive. Big trucks and SUVs around here seem to make up more than 75% of vehicles on the road and even the "small" cars are big sedans. Houses are huge. I visited another uncle of mine and his living room is about the size of the apartment I lived in in Japan, and it's basically empty, just a couch, a rug and a big TV with sound system. Stores feel huge, and I feel like there's wasted space everywhere. Why do people even want yards here? Nothing grows unless you're willing to spend hundreds of dollars watering constantly. It's just dirt and rocks, but every house still has a big front and back yard. There's no affordable apartments around here that I have seen. No housing geared toward single people. I'm a single 28 year old man, I have no need for 2 bedrooms, a living room and kitchen that, all told, is 3 or more times bigger than where I lived in Japan. I certainly don't need a whole house, and I flat don't even want a yard. Why are there so few small cars? Why are practical affordable cars and homes shunned? I have no need to haul cargo or go off roading. I don't need a big 4x4 V8 truck with 8 bajillion options. I don't even want to drive, but I have no choice here. Why don't American car companies or even Japanese car companies who sell cars here, sell affordable, small, practical and efficient vehicles? No wonder so many people have to get roommates and share houses, no one builds houses or apartments like I had in Japan, here in America.

There feels like there is almost no sense of community here. Everyone is their own person and society can apparently go frak itself.

There's no public transportation, almost no buses or trains and people don't say hello when you walk by on the street. Sometimes I get funny looks just for saying hi. This however is one thing I feel hasn't changed. I remember people glaring at me and mocking me when I walked or road my bike anywhere before I left for Japan. It's the original reason I bought a smartphone for GPS, because God forbid I have to ask for directions!

Politics is an inescapable cancer beyond anything I imagined. I find myself wanting to only use YouTube on PC with adblocker because every other ad is politics. I try to watch TV with my mother or uncle and every time it goes to commercial, politics. Everyone has an opinion and everywhere I have been since I landed here, people are talking about it. Everyone has a "side" and no one agrees. And I am pretty sure no one wants to. There's political signs and bumper stickers everywhere there's people and the vast majority are negative. Instead of pumping up their own side and positions, everyone relentlessly attacks the other side with no regard to truth or evidence to back up their assertions. It's apparently fair game to blame all manner of evil on anyone and everyone here. Who cares if it's true, your "evidence" is just made up.

I'm trying to get along with people. I really am. I'm naturally massively introverted. I am more comfortable alone with a good book, game or anime than I am with groups of people. I find it hard to empathize with these people who talk about the stay at home orders being so hard to deal with because they are lonely. It's always been hard for me to push myself to go out with a group of people and interact outside of a work/professional environment. But I feel more than ever like I have nothing in common with the people around me. We share almost no interests. I try to sit and watch what they like with them, I try to pretend like I find the same things funny... But I don't get references, I don't know celebrities, I just don't honestly care about sports. And often times I just really don't like the humor. What I think of as "stupid humor" the "let's laugh at the idiot as he hurts himself, others or ruins his or someone else's life". The laugh at stupidity or misery humor. And honestly, perhaps it's selfish of me to want this, but no one here wants to hear what I am interested in or has any interest in making that sort of effort with me. In my family's defense, they do invite me to do things with them. I am trying to enjoy it. But it is what they want to do, and when I try to talk about things I like too, or my time in Japan, I can see them zone out. Or they will make polite but pretty clear comments about how they'd never want to go abroad to get me to stop talking about it. And I guess that's fair, but it's still hard.

Then there is Arizona and this town the majority of my family migrated to from Michigan while I was in Japan. Why do people live here? Almost all the water is pumped in from hundreds of miles away. During the day it's been well over 110F/45C every day. When I log into Pokemon Go, the severe weather warning that I had seen a handful of times before, is just constant now. (Though the heat hasn't stopped me from going for nice 6KM walks in the evening so at least I am making an attempt to stay healthy and perhaps lose a little weight). The neighborhood is very nice, but also painfully artificial. Nothing feels lived in, everything is less than 15 years old. It's all got the manicured look of a show house. The streets are the standardized layout you only see in totally new places. The main road through it has 4 playgrounds as well as a basketball court and a tennis court and it all looks totally unused because it is too hot during the day, and not only not lit up at night, but there's a bunch of signs saying you can't use them at night and they are only for residents. It's cookie cutter suburbia until you turn the corner and you're in the middle of the wild west. Desert as far as the eye can see. Almost no plant life beyond cacti and dead shrubs. It's like someone transplanted a suburb into the middle of a wasteland. They just pump enough water in so that you can pretend otherwise. And being a desert, it's consistently absolutely no moisture in the air. I have to bring a huge water bottle out with me when I walk because I can actually feel myself drying out while I am out there. I have a humidifier in my room now, because after only a couple days here my nose was bleeding from dryness. I'd wake up in the morning before I got it with my mouth and nose feeling like sand paper.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm being treated poorly. My family happily welcomed me "home"(in quotes because it just doesn't feel like home) and in no uncertain terms made it clear I can take the time I need to adjust. Which is all that's making this bearable. And in terms of material possessions I certainly cannot complain. But socially I don't think I've felt this much like an outsider and alone since I was a fat, bullied, middle school kid who hadn't found the right shampoo to fix his dry scalp yet...

My uncle mentioned he thinks I must be in a hurry to get my driver's licence again so I can go out. Go out and do what? I know no one here. My friends are scattered across 5 different states now and several of them are in quarantine. No bars are open and I'm more likely to catch COVID-19 than to get a date - even if I had interest in the typical social life of someone my age. I do need to do that, if the economy ever starts recovering, I will need a car when I find work, but... I am no where near ready for that yet. I don't trust myself to keep a level head when dealing with bureaucracy right now.

I am seriously wondering if I made a huge mistake. Maybe it would have been better if I just bit the bullet and cut myself off from my family and bent over backwards to stay in Japan... They'd probably never have forgiven me... but I find myself wondering if I am going to ever really feel comfortable here, or if because I was blessed with the best 5 years of my life in Japan, the books need to be balanced and now the next few years I just have to be the outsider again. I have to wear the mask I used to wear again and just pretend I fit in here when I feel overwhelmingly like I don't even want to...