Feature: The Best Moustaches In Video Games Ranked

B Rank: Bushily Inspirational

Probopass

Probopass may not have the neatest moustache on the list - heck, that thing is as bush-like as they come - but it might just be the most powerful 'tache we have come across.

According to the 'mon's Pokédex entry in Pokémon Legends: Arceus, this hairy upper lip (if rocks even have lips) isn't just for show. Oh no. Grow your facial hair out all you like throughout November, we doubt you will be able to muster the following:

It is able to emit powerful magnetism, allowing it control over the iron sand that forms its luscious mustache. Using this iron sand, Probopass forms hard stones with which it smites its prey.

Come on now. It's a gross moustache, we'll admit, but you can't argue that it has got skillz.

Overall rating: 6.5/10

Dr. Wily

Did Dr. Wily's moustache come before his turn to the dark side, or was it spawned as a result of his evil scheming? Who knows. It's chaotic. It's big. It's ridiculously poorly-kept. We're eternally impressed.

A bit of a trim here, a bit more growth there, and the Mega Man antagonist might just have a tier-topping 'tache on his hands (or, indeed, his lip). For the time being, its sheer chaotic appearance is enough to put it high on the list.

It is the encapsulation of all that is evil, and we are totally here for it.

Overall rating: 7.5/10

Luigi

It's official, Luigi has the best moustache of the Mario crew.

Yes, it might not be as long as Waluigi's, as wacky as Wario's, but Luigi's 'tache succeeds in its simplicity. Take a look at that picture above and what do you see? An immensely well-groomed moustache.

There is no doubt in our minds, Luigi trims and conditions that bad boy. Notice the lack of wobbles along the lip line? Mario could learn a thing or two from that attention to detail.

It might not be the most memorable entry on the list, but it's a sturdy inspiration.

Overall rating: 8/10

A Rank: A-Grade Growth

Talon

Yeah, it feels a little dirty to put Talon on this list when he is so clearly a reference to Mario. So too is it hard to do this whilst missing off the series' Luigi-like Ingo, but don't worry, we have our reasons.

We'll start with the omission. Ingo's and Luigi's 'taches are cut from the same cloth. What we could say about Ingo, we have already said for Luigi, there is nothing to add. As for why Talon is here despite being a close copy of Mario, well it's simple — just look at that face fuzz!

Despite being Mario-like, Talon has a far superior bit of facial hair going on there. It's thick, it's well-kept, it reaches right around to his ears. There is not a single self-respecting person on this planet who would turn down the chance to grow something as mighty fine as that on their face.

Overall rating: 8.5/10

Dr. Robotnik

The sheer impracticality of Eggman's growth places him in good stead on our list. There are very few examples here where we could actually imagine what these moustaches would look like in the real world. Fortunately, the Sonic movie confirms that yes, Dr. Robotnik's facial hair could exist, and yes, we would grow it (if only we could).

Every so often, a reminder like that comes along that Sonic 2 (the movie) was Jim Carrey's final acting role before announcing his retirement and that will never stop being hilarious. If that 'tache was enough to make Truman Burbank himself feel like he had peaked, then that's good enough for us.

Overall rating: 8.5/10

Alakazam

There are two points to be made about Alakazam's facial hair:

1) yes, that is a moustache

2) yes, it is amazing

We know that Psychic-Type Pokémon are able to wield magical powers, but using these abilities to further your own moustache journey? Now that's something we can get behind.

Overall rating: 8.5/10

S Rank: Sensational (If Physically Impossible)

Mr. EAD

This special class is reserved for those moustaches which are straight-up incredible, despite being downright impossible. F-Zero X's Mr. EAD seems like a pretty fitting place to start for this. We mean, come on, the guy is a literal robot.

Again, it feels a bit dirty to put another Mario-inspired character on the list, but what can we say? All Mario knock-offs have better facial hair than the man himself. Look at that thing! It is like Waluigi's mighty fine attempt, only with the thickness to look like it could do some serious damage.

Yes, it might be synthetically grown (or however Mr. EAD was actually made), but it has got to be one of the best of the best.

Overall rating: 9/10

Vangarre

We'll admit, this Xenoblade Chronicles NPC didn't immediately spring to mind when we were thinking of the best video game moustaches, but it would have been a huge mistake to leave him off. Just look at that thing!

Vangarre similarly has all of the bravado of Waluigi's staple-like corners, but with a width that the Mario Tennis star couldn't dream of. Sure, walking through doors sideways is going to be a slight annoyance, but how many other chances do you get to play hoopla on your face?

Truly a physical oddity to baffle scientists for years to come.

Overall rating: 9.5/10

Don Paolo

Yeah, there's a certain amount of bias that goes into this decision, but it is a ranking of moustaches at the end of the day. What did you expect?

The truth is, Don Paolo's moustache has everything to which we can aspire. It's thick. It's long. It's styled. It's perfect. The main antagonist of the original Professor Layton trilogy is really pretty poorly handled in those games, but hey, at least he had the facial hair to ensure we didn't forget about him.

Overall rating: 9.5/10

There you have it. A list full of inspiration for mo' growth this November, ranked for your pleasure.

Disagree with our ranking? Vote for your favourite Nintendo 'tache in the following poll and leave a comment below if there is anyone we missed!