Back Page: What Would An Illumination Zelda Movie Be Like, Anyway?

In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.

Today, Jim imagines what an Illumination trailer for a Zelda movie would look (and sound) like...

Just last week, I read the rumour headline that no Nintendo fan ever wants to stumble across: Universal Closing "Big Deal" With Nintendo For Zelda Illumination Movie. Despite the fact that the studio's cute and cuddly style of animation couldn't be much further from Link's chiselled cheekbones, it looks like we might have to resign ourselves to the fact that an Illumination Hyrule (HyGrule?) could be on the way.

Even though Illumination CEO and Miyamoto's BFF, Chris Meledandri, has denied the rumours, the prospect does make a lot of sense. The Super Mario Bros. Movie has been pulling in pennies like nobody's business, and with the world of movie-making so tied to the number of rupees in the wallet, it was only going to be a matter of time before Universal started eyeing up the remaining members of the Smash Bros. roster.

Resigned to the fact that an Illumination Zelda may well be coming our way (despite my fingers still being crossed for Studio Ghibli to take the reins), I have started thinking about what this super-soft adventure might look like.

The Toon Link art style would be the obvious approach — nobody wants to see Twilight Princess' Link distorted into a big-head-long-limbs character model — and I am undecided on the voice cast (we all know how upsetting it will be to hear Link speak, but I'd put money on seeing something along the lines of "Starring Tom Holland" in a future Direct).

That being said, I can take a pretty good stab at how an Illumination-style Zelda trailer would go down. Yep, it's popped into my head and it's only right that you should be subjected to it too — just in case it does happen.

Here's what I imagine a trailer for Illumination's The Legend of Zelda: The Movie would look like...

Ext. Hyrule Field - Day

Adult Link gallops through Hyrule Field on Epona, cutting down hoards of Bokoblins who close in from both sides. In the distance, a Lynel holds a helpless Princess Zelda aloft. Survivor's Eye of the Tiger plays in the background.

Zelda: [Britishly] Link! You know what to do!

Link flips from his horse and, in slow motion, fires an arrow from his bow, striking the Lynel in the head. He grabs Zelda's hand mid-flip and rides into Hyrule Castle Town, where the delighted crowds chant his name.

Crowd: Link! Link! Link!

Close up on Link's smiling face as he gradually closes his eyes. The music stops and his eyes open to...

Int. Link's bedroom - Day

Navi: Link! Link! Hey!

Child Link sits up in bed and rubs his head. He grumbles and walks through to the kitchen where his uncle and apprentice, Groose, are hard at work at a grindstone. Super snappy delivery here, quick cuts.

Groose: Well if it isn't the fairy boy! Hey Link, still dreaming about your famous girlfriend?

Groose and Uncle laugh. Link opens a bottle of Lon Lon Milk and takes a big gulp.

Uncle: Let me guess, Navi didn't wake you up again, huh? Well, come over here and help us with this mould.

Link begrudgingly walks over to the pair and helps lift a huge stone slab.

Link: [Clearing his throat] You know, Uncle, I was thinking. I don't know that I want to make swords my whole life, I want to be a knight and become a great hero, just like the legends.

Uncle: [Scoffs] You? A legend?

Groose: The Legend of Link!

He laughs so heavily that he falls backwards off his stool.

Link: Hmm...

A 'Holding Our for a Hero' instrumental cover gradually fades up...

Black screen. Hylian text appears out of the darkness, spinning to read: "This Summer" as the music gets louder.

Int. Cave - Night

An old man rummages through a chest as Link moves eagerly behind him to see what he's looking for.

Old Man: You shouldn't head out all lonesome like — here, have this.

Link raises an eyebrow. The old man swings around, revealing a small sword.

Link: Ehh, do you not have something a little more flashy?

Old Man: First time meeting a mysterious old man in a cave, huh?

Link: [Shrugs]

Black screen. More text spins around to reveal "The legend". Bonnie Tyler continues.

Ext. Gerudo Desert - Day

Link and Zelda stand back to back, surrounded by Gibdos.

Zelda: And you said that you wanted to take the scenic route.

Link: Well, excuse me, Princess!

Link rolls his eyes and dashes at an oncoming enemy, slashing it five times before turning around, out of breath. He sees Zelda swiftly dispatch a hoard with golden beams of light that fire from her hands.

Zelda clears the rest of the enemies and brushes the sand from her dress.

Link: And when were you going to tell me that you could do that?

Zelda: It never came up. You're really not much of a conversationalist, you know.

Black screen. Text fades in saying "Begins..."

Sizzle reel cuts between Link in various Hylian locations — Zora's Domain, Kakariko Village, sailing on the Great Sea. One shot shows a Korok popping up, Link screams and bats it out of the air.

Ext. Goron City - Day

Link and Zelda walk along a busy, sandy street. Various Gorons call out to each other as they walk past.

Goron #1: You rock, Goro!

Goron #2: No, you rock, Goro!

Link: Excuse me, we're looking fo—

Goron #3: You rock the most of all, Goro!

Link: Sorry, can we jus—

Goron #1: Man, how are you Goros so rockin'?

Goron #4: Did I hear that somebody rocks?

Link stomps his feet and shouts loudly.

Link: Can we just please agree that everyone rocks?!

A small Goron rolls up to Link, clears his throat.

Small Goron: [Jarringly deep voice] Not cool, man. Not cool.

Ext. Hyrule Field - Night

Link and Zelda watch the Blood Moon appear in the sky.

Zelda: The Blood Moon Rises once again. Please be careful, Link.

Link: Why does it always have to be a "Blood Moon"? Whatever happened to the "Milkshake Moon" or the "Moon that doesn't try to kill us all"?

Zelda: Keep up the fighting talk, Hero of Hyrule...

Black screen. Golden text spins around to reveal "The Legend of Zelda: The Movie". 'I Need a Hero' reaches its seventh climax and suddenly stops.

Int. Hyrule Castle - Night

Ganondorf sits on a throne, looking at Link who stands before him with the Master Sword in hand.

Ganondorf: I am Ganondorf, king of the Gerudo. You will not stand in my way.

Link laughs.

Link: Ganondorf? What, kind of a name is that? Did your parents want to name you after a cough syrup?

The Moblin guards surrounding the pair glance at each other nervously as Link laughs for several more seconds. Ganondorf rolls his eyes in exasperation. A beat. Ganondorf lunges at Link, who braces for an attack.

Black screen. The words "Coming Soon" appear as a solo piano slowly plays the first three notes of 'Zelda's Lullaby'.

My fingers are crossed tighter than they have ever been that I am wrong, but we have all seen enough Illumination trailers by now and we know how these things go down. Brace yourselves for waves of adorable 'Small Goron' figures hitting store shelves...

Do you think Illumination has the chops to try something with a different tone from its usual animated fare? Could The Movie of Zelda benefit from a snappier, lighter touch and some '80s needle-drops, perhaps? Let us know below.