How are you feeling? Got a nice cup of tea? Ready to read more about horses? I know I am. Let's ride!

Red Dead Redemption 2's Horse

Red Dead 2
No close-ups of horse bits here, you miscreants — Image: Rockstar Games

Kate: It's cowboy times, y'all. And cowboy times are synonymous with horse. So it's fitting that Red Dead Redemption's horse tech is some of the best in the industry, with realistic movement and behaviour, self-preservation instincts when faced with snakes, bears, and gators, actual poop simulation, and, um, disturbingly accurate horse anatomy. That was someone's job, you know? To model realistic horse undercarriage physics. Our cowboy hats are off to you, Horse Ball Artist.

Alice: Did you know that there are actually way too many horse testicles in Red Dead Redemption 2? Gelding horses — i.e. removing that particular part of their anatomy — was widespread practice for the same reasons it is today: Intact stallions are harder to work with and provide additional logistical challenges, since you have to keep them away from mares. While I’m short on actual horse demographic census data from 1899, I am quite confident in saying that most cowboys in the Wild West would most likely not have been riding stallions. We do, after all, have veterinary manuals from that time telling people how to perform this particular surgery.

[Whoa, easy there, easy - all this RDR2 talk and it isn't even on Switch. Well, given the rumours and the original's recent jump to Switch 2, let's roll with it. Gidd'yup. - Ed.]

Animal Crossing Horses

Animal Crossing's Honses
Four legs good. Two legs bad. — Image: Nintendo / Kate Gray

Kate: Almost all of our best horses do not possess the level of sentience that Animal Crossing's horses do, which makes it a little weird to include Animal Crossing's horses. What makes a horse a good horse? Usually, their ability to ferry our main character to different places, or help us complete tasks, or have strong, kicky legs, or carry things. Animal Crossing's horses can't do most of those things. They just behave much like any other of the Animal Crossing animals – which is to say, looking at things, pretending to fish, and having awful taste in interior decoration.

Still, these horseys are very cute. And they give us the opportunity to hold real conversations! And they can also wear hats!!!!

Alice: I’m a game horse purist. If it doesn’t walk on four legs and behave like a horse, I don’t want it.

Pocket Card Jockey

Pocket Card Jockey
Absolutely no thoughts going on behind those eyes — Image: Game Freak / Nintendo Life

Kate: Remember when we said someone at Game Freak really liked horses? Well, Pocket Card Jockey proved us right. This game is nothing but horses, with gigantic heads and the ability to win races through the power of Solitaire. They can be given wacky horse racing names like Creamy Potato and Fast Horse, mated to produce even better baby horses, and trained to become the very best racing horse ever. If horse racing isn't exactly like Pocket Card Jockey, then I'm not interested.

Alice: Okay, fine, I should finally play this one sometime, because I do love the idea of combining horses with non-obvious game mechanics such as Solitaire. And I do actually really enjoy playing Solitaire. You’ll catch me reviewing this long before I stoop to Umamusume, at the very least.

Minecraft Horses

Zombie Horse
Thoroughbred AND undead — Image: Minecraft

Kate: Found roaming through the plains of Minecraft's world, these horses can be tamed by sitting on them repeatedly until they give up trying to buck you off (not recommended in real life). They can also wear armour, which is basically like a hat, so points for that.

But the exciting thing about Minecraft's horses is that they also come in two fun, supernatural flavours: Zombie Horse and Skeleton Horse. The Skeleton Horse appears when the ground is struck by lightning (very cool) and the Zombie Horse can breathe underwater (extremely cool). Why have a normal horse when you can have a semi-dead horse?

Alice: Vanilla Minecraft horses are wonderful, but here’s where I need to give a shoutout to the extensive modding community. From adding realistic horse colour genetics for breeding, to craftable tack items in various styles and materials, to gigantic horse-oriented community projects like the Star Worm Equestrian Mod, hundreds of people have stubbornly invested years into turning Minecraft into a proper horse game, and they have my utmost respect for it.

The Among Us Horse

Amogus Horse
So majestic. So muscular — Image: Innersloth

Kate: Although you may be thinking "ARGH, NO" and "WHAT CRUEL GOD COULD HAVE CREATED SUCH A CREATURE?", the Among Us horse is actually one of the best horses. Released as part of a limited-time April Fools mode, these horses are just as beautiful and majestic as a horse should be.

My only wish is that Horse Mode could be available all year round. It's a game about aliens! Why can't we have permanent horse-beans, too?

Alice: What I particularly appreciate about this one is the pointlessly detailed and anatomically correct legs on the key art. This one promotional image for an April Fools joke has better horse anatomy than at least half the horse-focused games out there. Now that is dedication to the (pun intended) bit.

The Ranch of Rivershine Horses

Ranch of Rivershine
Four legs... long tail... nice hair... yep, that's a horse — Image: Cozy Bee

Kate: This one is a pick from our Horse Expert, so I'll let Alice tell you all about Ranch of Rivershine's good horses!

[Note: Ranch of Rivershine is slated for a Switch release in the future.]

Alice: You may not have heard of this game, but every one of your cosy game player friends with even a mild interest in horses hopefully has!

The Ranch of Rivershine gets a special mark of approval because it doesn’t just have competently stylised, recognisably equine, and adorable horses, but an entire satisfying gameplay loop built around training, taming, breeding, caring, and competing! I’ll immediately forgive a bit of jank in the controls and user experience when I get to play something that so fundamentally understands what it is to be an actually good 'horse game'.

Honorary Horses

Horsea
A seahorse is a type of horse. Its name is literally mostly 'horse' — Image: Nintendo / Game Freak

A moment for all the good horse-like creatures that don't quite fit into society's narrow view of what a horse can be:

Yoshi (Super Mario)

  • He's a horse. Even though he's green, and a dinosaur. That's a horse.

Chocobo (Final Fantasy)

  • You ride him, and he lives in a stable. That's practically a horse!

Lord of the Mountain (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

  • He has a horse body. So what if he has antlers, a mane, and two owl faces? So what if he's kind of a ghost? He's mostly horse.

Master Cycle Zero (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

  • It can be summoned like a horse. And it's shaped like a horse (with wheels). And you can feed it apples to make it go. That's pretty horsey, if you ask me.

The Horse God, Malanya (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

  • The god of horses? That's a horse. Yes, they have human hands, but consider the other things: their theme is basically Epona's Song, and all stables are shaped like them. Ergo, horse.

Horsea (Pokémon)

  • Its name is literally HORSEY. And, as Minecraft proved earlier, some horses can breathe underwater. Horse behaviour.

Torrent (Elden Ring)

  • Yes, Elden Ring isn't on Switch 2 yet, but it will be, so we'll let this one sneak into the list. Torrent is less of a horse and more of a cross between a highland cow and a mountain goat, but this lovely steed has just enough equine features to ring all of our “that’s not how their legs work!!!” alarm bells. And if 'Torrent' isn’t the most horse girl movie name we’ve ever heard, it’s just because every other variation of 'Storm' was already taken.

Master Cycle
You can sit on it, it takes you places, it has a horse head. That's a horse! — Image: Nintendo

Happy Year of the Horse, my dear horse friends. May the god of horses bless you with swift legs and long faces.