Back Page: Ranking The Kirby And The Forgotten Land Enemies By How Much I Don't Want To Kill Them

Sword Knight

Sword Knight is vaguely human, which in some ways makes me feel worse for murdering him, and in other ways makes me feel less worse — especially when compared to all the cuties in the B Tier and above. That lands him squarely in C Tier. I don't care much either way for Sword Knight.

Sir Kibble

See above. Vaguely human, not enough for me to think he's cute.

Buffahorn

Pros of Buffahorn: Soft-ish and round-ish. Cons: Belligerent, mean, and aggressive. He's probably territorial, so it's not entirely his fault, but maybe he should have picked a territory that wasn't exactly the five-metre square that Kirby also needs to exist in. Come on, mate! You've got loads of room elsewhere.

Cappy

Kinda cute, kinda horrifying. Perfect mid-tier fodder, really.

Gabon

Gabon has two forms: One with the skull on his head, and one without, where he looks sort of like an egg with shoes. The skull-headed one throws bones at you and generally sucks, but when you try to inhale or hit him, the skull comes off to reveal the little eggy chap beneath, who is quite scared of Kirby, and will try to run away. I like the eggy! But also, don't write cheques your little eggy self can't cash, my man.

Orabiroo & Rabiroo

These two bouncy rabbits are introduced in Forgotten Land, and I already don't much care for them. They're just rabbits. Adding kangaroo traits is silly — rabbits are already known for hopping! That's like making an enemy that's half duck and half goose. I do not care for the Rabiroo family.

Poppy Bros. Jr.

This little guy is quite sweet, with his stupid little face and his massive elf hat, but his human-like traits make me more suspicious of him. Also, is he a child? Then how did he get access to bombs?! Someone needs to come and parent this little guy, stat.

Hot Head

Life can't be easy when you're born with the ability to shoot fire out of your face. At the same time, you can just choose not to shoot fire out of your face if you are around people. His description in Kirby and the Rainbow Curse says that he has a "warm heart", but that "no one is willing to get close enough to find out." Quite frankly, I think that's because he kills anyone who tries, but what do I know?

Tortuilding

Why is Tortuilding in C Tier, but Tortorner is D Tier? Aren't they basically the same? Oh, absolutely. But the fact that some localisation team decided to name this guy Tortuilding makes me want to save him, befriend him, and never let him go. Tortuilding.

Glunk

Glunk is what you get when you cross a sea anemone with a volcano — something that should never be done, really — but you can't deny that's he is very cute. He's a sort of goopy pile with eyes, and I think that the best Kirby enemies are sometimes the ones that look like they were drawn in crayon by a toddler.

Blipper

Blipper is a lovely little round fishy that wears goggles despite being a fish, and for that alone I find him adorable. He's not quite A Tier, though, because he's a bit of a Cheep Cheep rip-off. A cheap Cheep-Cheep, if you will.

Bomber

I initially had Bomber in the F Tier, because, well... he's a bomb. He was made to not only die, but take out as many people as possible. But then I thought: How many of us were raised by our parents to become something specific, only to ignore their desires in favour of our own chosen destinies?

Bomber can't help being a bomb, and there's something poetic and pathetic about the way he waddles towards you, teetering on the edge of a cliff, only to fall and die. He didn't choose this life. Maybe he just wants to be friends.

Bronto Burt

He's round! Sure, he's a bastard who wants to fight Kirby, but maybe that's just because Kirby is also pink and round, and he sees him as a potential threat to his social standing! We just don't know.

Chilly

When actually playing Kirby, these guys bug me — they're always freezing Kirby into a little block, which is annoying. But they're so stinkin' cute that I can't be too mad about it. I mean, look at his little hat! His angry eyebrows! His tiny hands! He basically looks like a baby in one of those big puffy snowsuits, and that's enough to make anyone a lil grumpy.

Corori

These mischief-making little penguins will attempt to slay Kirby by rolling massive snowballs in his direction, but once again, I can't be too upset, because they're wearing little knitted hats. Is there some penguin grandma cranking out knitted hats for all the little penguins? I hope so.

Walf

Looks like a bath toy. Cute, but almost too cute, like he's specifically been designed to test you. I largely leave these guys alone, because they're basically the Kirby equivalent of a pigeon: You'd definitely win the fight if you picked on them, but you'd look like a bit of a bully.

Awoofy

Whoever decided that the new Kirby enemy needed to be a little fluffy puppy has a lot to answer for. Look at his little paws! This guy isn't evil, he's just a baby!

Bernard

God bless the designers that wrote "dog with gun???" on the Enemy Ideas Whiteboard and decided to run with it. Bernard is one of those floppy-haired sheepdog-type dogs, and he has a gun. I don't even mind! He's probably just protecting his flock.

Bouncy

Here's where I start to get a little confused, because Bouncy looks a lot like a Kirby that's been cut in half and glued onto a spring. I'm not sure how to feel about this one! Are they just Kirby-type creatures that have been horribly mutilated, like the people from the end of Spy Kids? I think we need to ask more questions about Bouncy.

Jabhog

There's a magical place between Grumpy and Cute where something can be both. It is within this intersection that Jabhog resides. He does not want to be touched (hence the spikes) but, much like a hedgehog, he is cute enough that I just want to hug him. I also don't really like the Needle ability that you get from consuming the Jabhog, so I'm quite happy to leave this cutie-pie well alone, which is what he wants anyway.

Squishy

He's just a little squid! He's even got little blushy cheeks! LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Needlous

It's a bee-worm! I love him!!

Noddy

Again, this is just Kirby in a hat. And he's asleep. I can't kill this guy! He might be my cousin!

Sleeping Awoofy

If it's bad to kill and/or eat a little puppy, it's a war crime to do it while he's sleeping. Especially because he's not even trying to kill you first this time!

Scarfy

I'm a sucker for anything round and happy, which is why I started playing Kirby in the first place. I know Scarfy turns into a scary demon when provoked, but who can blame him? He's an adorable squishy ball, and I just wish he wasn't an enemy, because I would like to have ten of them in my house.

Foley

See above. Round, happy, just wants to be friends. What makes it worse is that Foley explodes, just by trying to be closer to Kirby. Heartbreaking.