Welcome to "Would You Rather", where we ask you to choose from two (or more) equally awesome/horrible things, and find out if you're in the majority or the minority. Of course, you can always argue your case in the comments.
Bienvenue, hungry diners, and welcome to
the Nintendo Life restaurant Chez Ninté, where we'll be serving up a 14-course meal made of the rarest meats you'll ever find on a menu.
Today, we're asking the age-old question: which Pokémon would you eat?
Fun fact: the Starter Pokémon are actually called "Appetiser Pokémon" in the US. Since we're setting out a full meal for you, we might as well start at the start: which one of the three iconic starter Pokémon do you think would be the most delicious?
Charmander is probably a little spicy, and would be quite nice as a curry. Squirtle can be a lovely turtle soup. Bulbasaur is a handy all-in-one caesar salad, as long as you add your own croutons.
Not all Pokérestaurants are fancy. Some are just diners in the middle of nowhere, serving up battered Magikarp and chips to the masses. If there were two common, classic Pokémon to have for lunch, it would probably be the series mascots: Pikachu, and Eevee.
Now, we think Pikachu could make for an interesting dish: being a rodent, Ash's longtime companion would probably taste a bit gamey, like rabbit. Eevee, on the other hand, is a creature of indeterminate species, somewhere in-between dog, cat, and fox. We can't say that we know what any of those taste like to eat as a meat dish, but we did accidentally lick a dog once and it tasted like fur.
Which one would you rather Pika-chow down on?
The Steak And Eggs
There are quite a few Pokémon that are already basically analogous to foods we regularly eat here in the real world, and we can't spend all day listing them or we'd never be able to take the weekend off.
However, everyone loves a classic steak-and-egg breakfast, right? Unfortunately, this is "would you rather", so you'll have to pick just one: a juicy Miltank mignon, or scrambled Exeggcute? Bear in mind that both are sentient, but Exeggcute is multiple sentient beings as one - although whether that's a bonus or a horrifying thought is up to you.
The Queen's Forbidden Pantry
Culinary delights across the world have often involved some ethically dicey dishes, like the Ortolan Bunting, which is drowned in Armagnac, roasted, and then eaten whole, as the diner covers their head with a cloth in order to not be seen by God. We don't doubt that there are some corners of Kanto with similarly illegal traditions, but since the Pokémon games have never really covered food crimes, we have to imagine our own.
And what could be more illegal than eating animals protected by the Queen herself? The swan is an obvious one, but we can't imagine the Queen would be too happy about some random Pokémon trainer chopping up a corgi, either. Which one of the Queen's pets do you think would taste the best?
Sometimes you don't want to fuss around with chopping vegetables and deboning fish - you just want to pop into Tesco and grab something tasty that someone else made. Good news: the Pokédex has you covered.
Tangela is basically a pre-sauced spaghetti dish, and all you need to do with Unown is grab a bunch of them and boom, you've basically got a bowl of alphabet pasta. Sure, you might have to deal with the fact that both have eyeballs, but doesn't that just add to the flavour?
What is this category? Round animals. What does that have to do with food? Well, in the real world, we don't really have round, edible animals. They're mostly sort of horse-shaped. There's something vaguely exciting about the prospect of eating a big round steak cut from a spherical creature - or perhaps having one roasted whole, like a pig.
Never mind that both Jigglypuff and Rowlet are very cute. You've come this far, and eaten five other cute animals. They could have been someone's pet.
You've crossed the line now, and you're definitely going to Hell, so here's a question: if you had to eat a baby, which baby would you eat?
Not a real baby, mind you. That's very murdery and a bad crime. A Pokémon baby, though, that's fair game, because they are just pixels on a screen, and this is all a thought exercise, and please don't send the police after us. So, we ask you: Happiny, or Togepi? Please bear in mind that their parents may or may not come after you, if that's a factor.
Is It Vegan?
We're not really sure how veganism works in a world where the plants have faces, but if you can stomach it, there are some quite nice veggies in the Pokémon world.
Oddish is basically a radish. A radish you can be friends with, yes, but a radish nonetheless. And Bellsprout? Beansprout. You might prefer a stuffed Weepinbell pepper, but this is the salad section, so you'll have to deal with eating the boring Pokémon, sorry.
We could have had any of the legendaries face off in this section - Regice has always looked a lot like a tasty ice lolly to us, and we reckon Type:Null would taste a bit like everything at once - but considering how infuriating it was to try to catch the Legendary Dogs in Pokémon Gold and Silver, we want to eat them mostly as revenge.
But which one of the trio is the most delicious? We bet Entei tastes like spaghetti and meatballs, Raikou tastes like a katsu curry, and Suicune tastes like jelly.
You bet that the Pokémon world has those "can you eat this" challenges, just like the real world - except, instead of a really big pizza or a very spicy burger, it's "a Pokémon bigger than your house".
Wailord is a whole lotta fish to eat, but we'd also love to know what Alolan Exeggcutor neck tastes like. Plus, you'd get to brag that you ate a tree.
We've already spoken a bit about crimes against humanity (eating babies, scoffing the Queen's pets) but how about the biggest crime of all: eating humanity itself? Sure, technically these two aren't actually human, but they're human enough to make it a bit weird.
There's also the extra angle that both these Pokémon are a little too uncomfortably, er, sexy. We're not saying we think that, but we are saying the designers definitely did.
There isn't really a religion in Pokémon, but both of these Pokémon - one natural, one man-made - are basically gods. And wouldn't you love to eat God?
We swear, this article began as "which Pokémon would be tastiest" and now it's just descending into "WOULDST THOU LIKE TO EAT GOD", but if a god-animal existed in the real world, we'd ask if it went well with gravy.
You've just killed and eaten a bunch of pets, but your hunger is not satisfied. Luckily for you, you monster, there are several Pokémon that are basically already made of pudding, which means that you can't really be blamed for finding them delicious. If a real-world animal evolved to look like a lemon meringue pie, then it's not doing a very good job of surviving, is it?
If you can manage to fit just a little more Pokéfood down your gullet, perhaps you'd enjoy a whipped cream Alcremie (which comes in multiple flavours) or an ice cream Vanillite (upgrade to a Vanillish for just £2)?
Coffee Before You Go?
This is one of those fancy restaurants where they offer you a little espresso or a mint tea with dessert, even though it's 11pm and you need to go to sleep as soon as you get home.
Although a lovely Ditto milkshake would probably taste quite nice (just tell Ditto to turn into a strawberry before you pop it in the blender) we're going with two obvious liquids right here to round off a lovely meal: a nice glass of Milcery, or a cuppa Polteageist?
Thanks for joining us for this morality-testing meal. Please explain yourselves in the comments below.
I had to double take-
I love this
Kinda funny that there are at the Moment some 100%
But yeah, why don't eat a God? Can't be bad.
I think there is more Flesh on Evee than on Pikachu, so i would it eat an Evee.
Entei also has the most Flesh.
Jigglypuff is seemingly a really nice Flesh Bonbon.
All the weebs fainted when they got to the question "would you eat Gardevoir" - im sure they have seen enough hentai to know how to answer that question!
I’d totally go for a roasted Swanna though.
Kinda got two of the polls switched around. (edit: they fixed it)
On the subject of jigglypuff, I can't see it NOT having the texture of rubber.
What, no Spoink? Spoinkon is the breakfast of champions.
These are the kind of articles I can sink my teeth into.
That Kate Gray seemed so reserved. Always the ones you need to keep an eye on!
(This article is too cool!)
Tepig for breakfast! He brings home the bacon.
It never came across your mind that this article could be bait for vore enthusiasts?
Tangela spaghetti all the way. And I definitely voted Jiggly and Pika in their polls because we could do with less of them.
I wouldn’t eat anything and pass away standing the moral high ground lol
I would never eat Lopunny. They are the best.
I went with Bulbasaur for my starter, as it comes with a vegetable. Eating a charmander seems like the weirdest choice of the three to me for some reason.
I went with Eevee over Pikachu simply based on their real world inspirations. Wouldn't want to eat a mouse.
Miltank over exeggcute. This is hard, I love steak, but properly cooked scrambled eggs is one of my favorite foods. When I thought about it at first I pictured eating like a hard boiled egg with eyes. That would be kinda weird.
Rowlet I imagine is basically just poultry with a vegetable side. Jigglypuff seems like it would have a rubbery texture.
I feel like most people would go with poultry over dog meat. And the poll agrees.
Again probably Togepi over Happini because it's just poultry. Probably. No idea what a chansey would taste like.
I can't even imagine what an unown would taste like.
The gold and silver legendaries is a weird question. Seems like they'd taste the same? I went with Suicune cause it's my least favorite.
Went with Bellsprout, but either seems fine.
I guess Wailord over exeggutor, at least it's meat.
Definitely Loppunny, I've never tried rabbit meat.
Can we assume Arceus is similar to goat? That'd probably be better than Mewtwo.
Probably Alcremie, since I feel like Vanilluxe would just taste like ice despite appearances.
I'm going with Polteageist even though I don't really drink tea out of morbid curiosity. The alternative is basically just milk I imagine
Pikachu's being forced down our throats all the time already.
So hey yeah this was a cool article. Now I'm hungry.
NINJA APPROVED (next do one with Mario characters.)
Lolwut?! I hope you mean the animal-like enemies and not the actual humans...
Slow roasted Eevee. Flame grilled Pikachu
Why is it always Kate who makes these bizarre articles?
@ImBackBB I could definitely go for some sliced Toad with garlic butter on a crusty ciabatta.
@ImBackBB Luigi Fois Gras
"We did accidentally lick a dog once."
Jigglypuff tastes like marshmallows!
But no Mewtwo for me! Too many artificial ingredients. 😝
hum tasy cheeseburger made with Tauros meat.
if i eat Arceus, can i have it powers?
Eh, don't really mind if people want to eat Toads. They're literally just mushrooms with a doll's body.
I'd imagine them tasting like plastic more than anything though...
Here's how I voted, and I swear I didn't vote with the majority each time on purpose.
Bulbasaur's bulb is probably delicious, on top of all that lizard meat
Eevee can be evolved into different flavors
Miltank because I love steak, and Exeggcute are apparently seeds, not eggs.
Swanna because I am not eating a corgi, fictional or otherwise.
Tangela because chow mein looks more appetizing then Alphabits cereal.
Togepi because that "egg" in Happiny's pouch is actually a rock.
Entei seems like it would be a well cooked meal. (even if water types probably have juicier meat)
Oddish because radishes taste good with a bit of salt
Waillord would keep me fed for a year or two.
Lopunny because I would eat that rabbit meat 🤤
Arceus, because I'd rather have a divine feast over an artificial meal. Mewtwo is essentially a microwavable meal.
Alcremie for desert, because it looks better, and probably won't give me brain freeze.
Milcery to finish off my disturbing dinner; I'm not much of a tea person.
If by eating Arcues means I'll get his powers....sorry bud, but it's down the hatch you go.
@ImBackBB what about Peach? She's a toad
I refuse to eat anything that looks like a dog, or eat Rowlet.
Not according to the Mariowiki, which is never wrong.
I never realized before that all three of the Canto starts are based on reptiles and amphibians and therefore none of them sound appealing.
Also, if you have an issue with generically modified foods, skip Mewtwo and probably Eevee too.
I feel sick.
Pokémon: Let's Eat Pikachu! and Pokémon: Let's Eat Eevee! coming to Nintendo Switch.
Really curious if Bellsprout would be vegetarian...
I was wondering why this page exists.
The pokedex literally says Basculin and Wishiwashi taste good, where's their category?
I didn't vote at all because they are not supposed to be a food for human.
They are like partner that accompany human in specific situation.
Dakishimetai ! (I want to hug them)
Rarely have I seen a survey that made me cringe so extensively, yet I love it so much.
@ImBackBB I'm too tired to go searching but I'm.sure in the original instruction book or strat guide for Super Mario Bros, Peach was shown to have Toad parents so she can't be human.
She's just adopted a human shape, similar to toadette when she wears the super crown.
You're probably referring to the non-canonical Valiant comics where she has a Toad-like father and Wart was a crocodile...
I am vegetarian so no thank you for this
@ImBackBB possibly, I could definitely be misremembering. I've always just thought of her as a Toad for some reason.
It's an honest misconception. I mean why would the Toads have a ruler that isn't a Toad themselves?
Then again Bowser rules over many species that aren't even a Koopa...
None you freaks
All of the above plz
And here I thought I was the weird one when my Pokemon fanhack involved a Fake Professor Oak who had made it his mission to eat every Pokemon out there.
why do I feel like I just participated in someone's vore fetish?
I was leaning towards Mewtwo, then remembered how much muscle Mewtwo has.
I had no issue whatsoever filling these in...
To all of you who voted Bulbasaur - did you all forget it has Poison type?! While turtle soup is a real thing?
@anoyonmus What about Grass types?
Forgive me god, for I have sinned
@SmaggTheSmug technically all Pokemon are creatures, including grass types.
So therefore I cannot eat grass types as well
Are you advocating for the extension of extremely rare and endangered legendary species?!?!?!?!? You make me sick!
We need to double, nay triple our efforts in order to allow future generations the chance to witness the sheer beauty of Articuno and all other great legendaries.
We've already lost Mew, we can't let this happen again!
Polteaghast is already dead so I wouldn't have much of a problem slurping it
I'll name you two pokemon sexier than Gardevoir and Lopunny, you ready?
Shuckle and Probopass
Pretty sure eating a Bellsprout or Oddish with that poison typing is just asking for a trip to the hospital.
Context has never been so important...
Bravo! Loved the quandary re veganism when plants have faces.
Eating yamper for those who picked it TF is wrong with yall.
"Fun fact: the Starter Pokémon are actually called "Appetiser Pokémon" in the US."
Lol what? Maybe I'm being wooshed here but we don't call them that. And if we did, there would be a Z in appetizer
For the last one, picking Polteageist means you have to actually eat the teapot.
@Classic603 Pretty certain it was a joke
...s'wrong with you?!
I wanna eat all of them. NONE OF THEM DESERVE TO LIVE, not if I can stand it at least!!!!!!!
Whew good to hear haha. Hard to tell, with that good ol' dry British humor
No Swirlix/Slurpuff? What else am I supposed to eat the fair?
And what about some good old Garbordor when I feel like indulging in cannibalism?
I give this article 0/10.
“Would you eat Gardevoir or Lopunny?”
I’ve seen enough internet to know there’s two meanings to that question.
Also Bulbasaur? Really? And Squirtle is the least? I’ll have you know turtle is delicious.
Lopunny is so thicc so she would have more meat
@somnambulance I’m pretty sure bellsprout just resembles a plant for camouflage reasons. It just mimics a plant but isn’t a sentient plant itself
I’d also eat a Toad.
You're sick! You know that?
Tbh Togepi always looked at least a little appetizing to me
When Eevee popped out of my TV in Let's Go Eevee, I vowed to die for it. Clearly, I have failed in my mission and now all you monsters are dining on my baby. I sincerely hope it tastes better than a fat mouse.
Seriously, this is perhaps the greatest article NintendoLife has ever written. I am honored to have dined on such delicacies.
Bulbasaur has 48% of the vote, but...but it's...it's literally poison.
I generally enjoy most Kate Grey articles, but this one was on the weirder side. I'm scared that some day we're going to get another repeat of that old Kotaku article she did.
Where does this end? Played animal crossing this morning and all the villagers looked a little bit tastier today
Gosh, I kinda wanna eat a jigglypuff roast now....
I expect it to be the most scrumptious, soft meat in existence
@ImBackBB Um, yeah sure. : D
Slow news day huh?
"but since the Pokémon games have never really covered food crimes"
Azalea Town's chequered past would beg to differ.
I voted in all of these and now I feel... dirty.
Also 17% would eat Yamper at the time of voting you sick twisted fruits you.
Great (If not very bizzare) article.
I mean I thought about something I never have before thats skill right there, I'm a very deep 1am thinker after all, so kudos to Kate XD
I found this far more entertaining than I probably should have. You were right to call me a monster. Also, it makes sense that the number of people voting would drop off towards the end due to the internet's short attention span, but I like how it's basically random. Like.. some people thought "I've grown tired of the joke but I'm going to at least scroll through to the end OOH I HAVE to vote on this one!" They are the true monsters.
Let's be real, would eating a Mewtwo any different from eating any of the other lab grown food?
@Kate Gray This is at the same time the worst and the best article I have ever seen
Hey, Miltank supply our Moo Moo Milk. It should be the Tauros that are butchered for steak.
Pokemon are our friends we don't eat them. I find it sick even if they are virtual animals.
Funny, how some people find the idea of eating non-existing animals sickening, but how real animals are being butchered by the tens of billions each year.
Still, maybe an interesting article, you never know when or how or why someone makes the connection and stops eating animals.
Where is stupid, dislike, hate, report buttons when you need them?
The giant turtle didn’t get a scientific name for so long because it was so delicious that none made it back alive to be categorised (a, probably slightly mis-remembered, fact from QI). So based on that, Squirtle for starters.
Eevee seems too pet-like and you had me at gamey so Pikachu for next course!
Miltank is beef, Exeggcute is seeds. Gimme the beef!
Obviously not eating Yamper you monsters. Plus, Swanna would probably be very tasty!
Unown alphabetti spaghetti! Tangela is vines, probably be quite woody and tough.
Jiggles is the true hero of both Pokémon and Smash Bros. So Rowlett it is.
Togepi seems more like an egg. Happiny is just holding a rock.
Oddish looks like a root veg. Bellsprout doesn’t look like an edible plant.
Entei just looks tastier. No idea why.
Wailord I guess?
I’d eat rabbit but not human so Lopunny it is.
If I’m going to eat a god then I’m going to eat a god. Arceus it is.
Alcreamie legit looks delish.
Don’t like tea or being haunted so Milcery to wash it all down please.
It‘s not 4/20 yet, NL
I'd rather die than eat a Rowlet
.. The hell is wrong with you people?
Since it doesn't seem like it's come up yet, this is a far better analysis of Pokemon consumption than the Unraveled video that came out a little while ago.
None. I'm a vegetarian.
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