In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag".
We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Slimes. Goombas. Pidgeys. Gelatinous Cubes. Mudcrabs. Life has always been difficult for creatures on the bottom of the foodchain in video games. They exist to make us feel powerful, and they exist to make us powerful.
At the beginning of a game, they can serve as easy fodder for XP farming and testing out our new combat abilities; they can make an area seem populated without being too overwhelming for players just starting their journey. By the end, or even the middle of a game, they are little more than the snails you accidentally crush 'neath your boots on the way to the supermarket.
What a life to lead: perpetually low-level, destined to never grow up, never reach heights any higher than "generic mook". But you know what the worst part is? A lot of these poor, doomed, weak creatures are based on real-life animals, and those animals don't even know that we consider them to be little more than kickable fauna.
Given that this is Crab News Thursday, I want to begin with our little pinchy friends. In real-life, crabs are small but mighty, able to deliver pinches that will, at the very least, require the application of a substantially-sized plaster. In video games, crabs are stupid baby weaklings that rarely have more than 50HP, who can be dispatched with little more than a bonk on the head.
And, sure, most crabs that you'll find on a Norfolk beach are the wee ones that you can scoop up into a bucket with nary a worry, but have you seen spider crabs and coconut crabs? Apparently, according to this article I found by searching "crabs pinch can kill you?", the coconut crab is capable of killing entire birds. I'm not much bigger than a bird!
Speaking of our avian chums, in the Pokémon games, they pretty much all start with the same thing: here's a small bird, named Pidgey or Pidove or Piflamingo, who exists solely to get your starter Pokémon used to the taste of blood. Never mind that there's an entire Hitchcock movie dedicated to how bloody nasty birds can be, especially if they know where all the soft parts of your face are — what did birds ever do to deserve being the punching bag for an entire series?
Bats, birds, bugs, bandits and blobs: we've been casting them as weak, trivial, and barely worth our time for decades, now. Occasionally we'll get a trope reversal or subversion, like the Big Green Chuchu in The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, or Goombella, the friendly, almost-human Goomba companion in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, but these are usually the exception to the rule. We seem to have just universally decided that certain creatures are the lowest lifeforms, and they deserve to die unceremoniously.
If I were feeling slightly more verbose and annoying, I might spin this piece into a takedown of, er, capitalism, or something. You know, how the strong (bosses) use the labour of the needy (mooks) to do their dirty work (bothering the hero), and how the working class (mooks) need to seize the means of production (...Bowser's flamethrower, or something). But it's a Thursday, and I don't feel like it, so you just write that bit yourself, okay?
My point is this: every hero's journey is built upon a mountain of corpses that were so insignificant to you that they barely registered as a blip on your radar, and that's what the developers want you to think and feel. That's why so many low-level monsters are slimes, because it's hard to humanise a dollop of mayonnaise. But I say to you, dear developers, that you're giving FAR too many real-life animals a bad rap. Why does Pokémon consistently use birds and bugs? What does Bethesda have against crabs? And why do low-level soldiers in The Witcher 3 always have chicken sandwiches in their pockets? That last question isn't really relevant, I'm just curious.
But lately, things have been getting better for level one baddies. With monster-raising games like Slime Rancher, Viva Piñata, and Stardew Valley — in which you can trap a bunch of slimes in a pen in order to farm them for their precious goo — the market for taking care of the babies instead of just trampling them over and over again is growing. Many people, myself included, want to take care of the crabs and birds, not kill them.
I'm far from the first person to suggest that violence in games is getting a bit boring, and that the new in-vogue thing to do is to spend time tending to animals instead, but I want to add my voice to the call anyway.
If anyone out there is able to make games, and is still reading this: give me a crab-raising game, please. Let me make up for all the murder I done.
Comments 62
After reading this, I have begun to consider... Are we the real monsters?
Dragon quest slime's game be so nice to the point of being able to pet them.
Goombas help mario at times. makes you feel kind of bad don't it?
But remember some monsters are just mean and sometimes pisses us off, You know you died to the first goomba in super mario. and thats when your thirst of revenge and blood begin.
Can we get a low-level monster dating sim? With strangely hot drawings of Goombas and Slimes etc. Call it Grunts and Moans.
@KateGray Is there a NL annual award for best subheadline? Because there will be no need for any other nominees this year. Also, much love for crabs, especially the giant enemy variety.
Reminds me a bit of wack-a-mole. What’d the mole ever do? And mudcrabs are incredibly annoying. And to turn this around a bit, you should be able to attack Koroks.
They cute and adorable but they had something I want so they gotta die for my sin.
@KateGray If you do feel bad you should try undertale, the game does its hardest to keep you from killing things, and you don't have to, but you probably played it already. Ever since I killed everything, I still can't feel right, So I got rid of the whole save and fixed everything, then left the game alone.
@Ghost_of_Hasashi Damn, it do be true tho.
@Just_2_milky
Maybe we're just monsters, the stepping stones for another hero to crush on their way to greatness
You just had to use a picture of a cute little baby pidgey, didn't you
@Classic603 Ha! Over my dead bo...
............…..…............................
Oh.
This article is good but could use more Bidoof
I feel kinda bad for being "that guy" but at the same time, using that word in the subtitle of this article that the moderators would censor for being inappropriate kind of annoys me.
Ultimately it doesn't matter. But I was just talking about this with someone else on this site, so it's on my mind.
@g_ruz
I think Bidoofs need a whole article to themselves to talk about how miserable their lives are.
Great article. Some games use bees as low-level enemies to slaughter en masse, which rubs me the wrong way.
Fight Crab should help enable you Kate
@Just_2_milky Always have been
Roddy Piper would be proud.
“ If I were feeling slightly more verbose and annoying”
Isn’t that the point of the Back Page “articles”?
Look, the little ***** ask for it. If they were passive, then fine, I could have walked past them. But nooo. They have to have a go! Kill them all I say. BWAAHAHAHAHAH! ahem.
brb writing leftist theses on goombas' role in the monarchic tyranny of peach's rule
Wow, everything truly does become a crab given enough time. Even gaming journalism is apparently subject to carcinization.
@Heavyarms55 The moderators have never censored words like ass on these comments. It’s only ever outright swear words.
I cannot forgive myself for bailing off of Yoshi as he dies a horrible death down below
Hmmm I’ve never given it much thought. I’d say let the creators create the games as they wish and with all these indies those give the options of being more peaceful. In the LOU2 I wish I had the option to kill at the end as I was able to the entire game.
I have kicked butt a lot of Wild Yokai from Yokai Watch games.
I have slaughtered tons of enemies from Ratchet & Clank games with either melee attack or heavy weapons like RYNO.
I have sliced in two a lot of fiends from Final Fantasy X by summoning Yojimbo and made him do Zanmato to finish the battle.
@Eel So why is it when I post *** I get a warning yet the staff can use it in a subtitle? Seems a little odd. Like do as I say not as I do.
Ass
Ass
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Ass
There we go. Debate over. If this comment gets removed then clearly you lot have a point.
Excuse me, but Goombas are a necessary part of nature to help plumbers reach high places in their natural habitat. It’s all-natural, I can assure you!
@Snatcher there's also Mable & the Wood which can be beaten without killing anyone (although it's a considerable challenge).
And I don't know, do Dishonored games count?😅
Its all fun and games until you pick on the wrong bird.
Is ghost trick the only game where the body count is lower by the time u get to the end of the game? Xx
I feel sorry for the enemies in modern Sonic games who exist solely as a point to homing attack to. The poor things just sit there waiting for you to mow them down so you can cross a gap.
@GrailUK
Have you no shame!? The citizens of dreamland would like a word with you. Poor waddle dee just wobbling down the street when an unprovoked attack from a pink puff ball decimate his world.
Lol 😂
@AvianBlue Hahahaha!
I don't know why low level enemies even get up in the morning.😠 (😉)
Removed - inappropriate
Slimes and cuccos get you back. Slimes become King Slimes. They literally form a army to take down the murderous Hero Party and they operate tanks.
Actually I still think the Oocca either force evolved the Cucco to make them so powerful in numbers or they are a evolved cousin (perhaps there used to be chickens and they bred with the Oocca to make the cucco...cuz those are not normal birds).
@Heavyarms55 @Tasuki the word ‘ass’ on its own is not a problem. Hasn’t been for a long time.
It would become one if you start using it to insult other users or combine it with other certain words though.
@AvianBlue and by that point, you'll be so cucoo for cucoo birds you'll be playing flutes and wishing they were there to help you.
As a goomba myself, I 100% agree with this article. I always kick ass and feel bad about slaying these creatures, even Bowser. HE HAS A KID.
I just want to say how much I love Goombas and slimes. And I love that the DQ people acknowledge the slimes with hero turns like DQ Heroes: Rocket Slime and the helpful slime in DQ Builders.
And honestly, one of the great things about Mario is how much personality its grunts have. Goombas are super lovable little grumps. You can't not love them, but at the same time it's so much fun to pop them.
@Eel I'm mean, I'm not gonna argue over it because it doesn't matter. But I know people have been called out and censored for using it. Even just like in the subtitle.
It's not a big deal. I wouldn't have even commented about it, if I hadn't just been talking about it just last night.
Can't say I've had much in the way of pathos for the no doubt, thousands of minor enemies I've dispatched over the years across various games. Many are there simply to annoy you. The Medusa heads in castlevania, those little helmet guys in megaman that hide then shoot out pellets, Gah! These being but a few examples.
That being said, I do have an affinity for Shyguys and those lantern ghosts from yoshi's island. They're okay in my book.
Reading this article reminded me I want to play dragon quest 1 again and now I'm playing it thanks article
This is a great article. I actually was thinking about stuff like this recently as well.. In PSO 2 NG I was going around slaughtering bunnies, owls, pink flamingo's and cattle like creatures. I started feeling kind of bad about it. Who gave me the right to kill such pretty creatures when our world is being invaded by some REAL SCARY stuff.
I remember my first time playing Devil May Cry (I started with 3) on PS2. I thought for sure it would be like any other game where they start you off easy.. Nope! Not Devil May Cry. I preceded to get beat 15+ times before finally beating a scythe wielding character at the end of stage one. Needless to say I felt accomplished and promptly quit after one success.
Lol in some games the grunt enemies throw down. Either that or I just sucked at that game.
@AvianBlue That opening to DMC3 is deceptively difficult. It actually doesn’t get harder for quite a few levels after that. That scythe enemy is evil.
@KateGray
@AudraGreenTea
(Audra, after the eldritch horror farming discussion, I thought you might want to be included with this comment)
I know the point is to try a different angle than violence, but while I'm good for a crab raising game, it only appeals to me if I can raise it to a final form of "kaiju" and watch that giant crab terrorize a simulated city.
Maybe the point of the game could be to see if my pedigree crab could out perform my simulated neighbor's lesser bred crab in pure city destruction.
I hate killing punis in Atelier games. They’re even cuter than slimes.
@Just_2_milky
Probably.
To be fair, though, we often must become monsters, in order to beat much bigger monsters that literally want worlds ended.
And entire huge-numbered species of mooks live on said worlds.
So really, you could consider them sacrifices for the greater good in many games.
That, and it sure would be boring without them, whatever we might say.💗
Wish there were some low-level enemies in Cuphead.
@Just_2_milky No. The monsters are the real monsters.
Comrade Gray, the slimes and goombas are counter-revolutionaries and disruptive elements. Mario is a working-class man dressed in red and with a moustache like the esteemed first secretary Stalin. The Luminary has rejected his high status to live among the common folk. Do not feel bad for the enemies of the people, unless you want to be treated as one.
They started it! Mudcrabs, Slimes, Pidgeys, Goombas, they all attack first, and when something attacks me, it's fair game! >_<
@SmaggTheSmug where do you place Toads on this scale? If Mario is the working man, is Toad the working man's working man?
And then there is Fight Crab whey the poor creatures murder each other with various weapons.
@KateGray All working class men are equal!
But some are more equal that others
Sprites have disappeared
And only their souls remain
They had a good game
Pour one out for the baddies.
"If I were feeling slightly more verbose and annoying, I might spin this piece into a takedown of, er, capitalism, or something. You know, how the strong (bosses) use the labour of the needy (mooks) to do their dirty work (bothering the hero), and how the working class (mooks) need to seize the means of production (...Bowser's flamethrower, or something). But it's a Thursday, and I don't feel like it, so you just write that bit yourself, okay?"
Typical. Why are those in the West so badly schooled on socialism / communism? Why do they think capitalism is terrible for working class people and communism is somehow great? This nonsense keeps getting repeated. Insanity.
I've killed a lot of Prinnies dood.
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