Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

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@Braeburn001 - We need Squiggles to say what we are writing about still

@ZeroX - Don't hate me for this but, I'm not always for sure, so I'll leave things open to you to decide on and mention when I may not have needed to mention it.

Alright chapter 1, (lots of spoiler!)

First one, heatwaves is two words, not one, so you got,
For unicorns, magic is corrupt by the incessant heatwaves.
You'll want this,
For unicorns, magic is corrupt by the incessant heat waves.

Your line,
Lost within the depth of his own torments, he traveled the world in search for an ideal, and absolution.
No need for a comma before "and". Also you have, "in search for an ideal, and absolution." an ideal makes little sense, you could fit in "the" instead of "an" or just have "in search for ideal and absolution." Either way it would help smooth the writing. So fitting in one of those and what is needed, you'd have,
Lost within the depth of his own torments, he traveled the world in search for ideal and absolution.

Just the wrong word here,
Apparently, some golden pegasus, capable of excersing magic, recently showed up around the area.
You want exorcising not excersing, I don't think the magic is getting a work out,
Apparently, some golden pegasus, capable of exorcising magic, recently showed up around the area.
Of course I had trouble finding that, so you may want to look into it

Yours,
Everyone shared the same thoughts.A pegasus who knows magic, that's impossible.
Just need a space between the two sentences,
Everyone shared the same thoughts. A pegasus who knows magic, that's impossible.

Hmm,
No no!
I think you wan t comma between them, this is where I could easily be wrong, so your choice,
No, no!

This is another character speaking it should be another paragraph,
"Ah," she replied "A, now there's shy one! Are you new here? No no! Don't speak, I know what flavor you need!" She ran back behind the counter and ripped open bags of flour with her mouth. Once the golden golden equine came near, she began singing what she called "the Cupcakes song":

While on this one just before it this would appear to be another paragraph, however unlike the one above, this one may be optional,
A sweet scent awakened his senses. It was a pleasant aroma, some foreign mixture of strawberries with a hint of vanilla, tingling his nose and circulating through his being. Graciously, he followed the scent to a bakery. Horus then pushed open the door. Behind the counter, a lovely pink mare hummed an oddly familiar tune. Her unusually happy attitude resulted in her hopping all over the place. Finally, she finished her orders and came to the golden equine without hesitation, if not a much more vigorous momentum. She came to a halt and smiled at him, causing him to blush. "Hello... I... Just... Came here to buy a few cupcakes..." he muttered, stuttering nonetheless.

Doubled word,
Once the golden golden equine came near, she began singing what she called "the Cupcakes song":
Easy enough, you just need to remove one of the golden,
Once the golden equine came near, she began singing what she called "the Cupcakes song":

I know this one is my fault, I guessed the spelling of synch
Baking these treats is such a sinch, add a teaspoon of lemon and mint.
Sorry it was a "y" not an "i", opps,
Baking these treats is such a sinch, add a teaspoon of lemon and mint.

I'm not sure but M.Word wants too not to,
Don't be to hasty, Cupcakes!
So I guess it should be too
Don't be too hasty, Cupcakes!*

Okay two here,
Suddenly, his face crispened as he began coughing loudly, trying to catch his breath.
You have an extra space before "as". Now crispened is being underlined and disliked all over, you may want another word as one it does not appear to exist, two how does one's face become crisp? Maybe grimaced or another word would be a better choice. I'm just going to throw grimaced in, while you think about that one, I'm not even sure if it is a word at this point but I could easily be wrong, along with several websites,
Suddenly, his face grimaced as he began coughing loudly, trying to catch his breath.

Doubled word again,
The other ponies in the bakery stopped conversing and simultaneously turned turned to the pegasus, now in terrible agony.
turned twice, just remove one,
The other ponies in the bakery stopped conversing and simultaneously turned to the pegasus, now in terrible agony.

Umm, just punctuation
Slowly, she approached the unconscious stallion and whispered: "Now, the Eyes are mine..."
You have ":" You can use a period or try what Twilight_Crow does where she uses ";" but I think you'll want a period as your going from the movement of our villain to them speaking.

Umm, I think you confused yourself,
You only count to five, and its a teaspoon of vanilla."
You mean four not five,
You only count to four, and its a teaspoon of vanilla."

New character speaks, new paragraph,
Surprised, the imposter asked: "How do you know that?"

Different character speaks, new paragraph,
Horus smiled. Sarcastically, he replied: "The Eyes shall always see the truth."

Easy touch up here,
THey knew what she meant to him.
Just need the "H" in They to be lower case,
They knew what she meant to him.

Need a space between sentences,
I have to stop them for Pinkie's sake. She's the only bridge between my past and present!The equine unleashed a yellow shockwave and stopped on the impostor pony.
So you'll want it looking like this (It's at the "!" and "The"). Also I can't find shockwave in the way you wrote it unless it's two words, consider splitting them up, I'm just going to punch it in but you can leave it,
I have to stop them for Pinkie's sake. She's the only bridge between my past and present! The equine unleashed a yellow shock wave and stopped on the impostor pony.

Okay this is just a smoothing idea,
Just like glass, the equine's figure shattered into thousands of pieces, before evaporating into thin air. "What other secrets are there?"
I suggest you add spoke or said, something along those lines after "evaporating into thin air, just so it's easier to see it's not Horus speaking and it will help things smooth out, I'm going to put to in as an example, this is not needed however,
Just like glass, the equine's figure shattered into thousands of pieces, before evaporating into thin air. Saying, "What other secrets are there?"

In here,
Full of zen, he let the powers of the Eyes take over.
zen should have a capital, so Zen,
Full of Zen, he let the powers of the Eyes take over.

This is fine,
He was no longer a petty creature; he was the Discord Dragon.
Still I bring it up because you could write "the Dragon of Discord" or "Dragon of Disharmony". I'm just throwing you some ideas, un-needed I know but I just hit a mood.

This is the last one of chapter one, I'll get two tomorrow,
The chosen Elements of Harmony couldn't fight. Their powers were gone for good.
That may be nit-picking but I bring this up with good reason, First I think you should be more particular on your word choice, like The chosen ones by the Elements of Harmony couldn't fight. As at the moment it sounds like some aspects of friendship were chosen and failed. Now the last part is unless you want to come back to this point later and explain you need something like, The Elements had no effect on the new more powerful Discord and with his new found power he stripped the Elements of Harmony's powers, removing the powers of those chosen by the Elements and their ability to stop Discord. Also you may need to mention how Discord grew stronger but once again, it's up to you and can easily be a future flash back but I thought I'd bring it up.

Hope that was not too harsh