In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag".
We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
It's that time of the year again folks! The Made-Up Games Show (MUGS) is back and boy are there a whole lotta life sims coming to Switch over the next year!
Now, back when we were young bucks, a Sim was a mildly uncanny avatar who spoke in a strange language (Simlish) as they went about their day burning dinners, taking blurred-out showers and accidentally setting babies on fire. So when we heard about the latest line of life sims, you can understand our confusion when there was a whole lot less 'sul sul' and a whole lot more talk of power washers, goats and gas stations.
We can't get our heads around it, but perhaps you good readers will take some joy in finding out all of the so-called 'life sim' games which are coming soon to Switch. Here's the latest from MUGS:
Toast Buttering Simulator
Boasting four types of bread and improved realism with the Switch's HD rumble (which you can feel as you spread over the brittle crusts), Toast Buttering Simulator is ready to bring the Way of the Wheat to handheld gaming. After an impressive launch on Steam, this Switch port adds difficulty tiers so you can get to grips with the innovative motion controls on a sturdy sourdough before tackling an easily-torn supermarket own-brand range.
Here's the official word from the developers' PR:
"Set your ovens to grill because things are about to get buttery! The cafe is overrun with toast orders and none of the bread is ready! Take on the challenge of buttering all of the toast before the customers get angry. Don't forget, when the tension is hotting up, the toast is cooling down!"
Clock Winding Simulator
Time is of the essence in this clock-winding extravaganza! The official announcement tried to sell this as a time travel game which we suppose is technically correct, but moving forwards and backwards by the space of minutes didn't really seem to gel with the crowd.
The game looks in desperate need of a patch to enable Joy-Con motion controls as it currently seems very analogue-stick-heavy. However, the pre-order bonuses include a neat clock-winding key pin badge and time conversion chart which is bound to pull in the fans of the studio's previous title, Clock Cleaning Simulator.
Disclaimer: the key cannot be used on pre-bought clocks and is for aesthetic purposes only.
"Take a break from playing Sims to play playing Sims!' Hey, they might need to work on their tagline, but Fake EA-Type Company (FEAT Co.) seem to be really onto something with this game in which you control an avatar who is playing Sims.
Pitched as Sims-meets-Sims, this simple sim will see you streaming Sims while simultaneously simulating life on a snoozy Sunday. With options for both first and third-person Sims simulation, you now have more viewing options than ever as you control your avatar to play the hit life sim.
Check out the following list of in-game features from FEAT Co.:
- Create your ultimate gaming set-up: With over 8 customisable desktops and screens, your view of playing Sims will appear more real than ever before!
- Ignore your avatar's real-world problems: Over-due bills and stained coffee cups will stack up on your desk the longer you play Sims Sim. Take a break to do the dishes and see your family, or carry on to push your avatar to their disgusting limits!
- Calendar settings: Choose to see how long you have been neglecting your worldly duties or turn off the day counter if you want to play playing Sims in peace.
Fountain Pen Refill Simulator
Something of a spiritual sequel to Pencil Sharpener Simulator, Fountain Pen Refill is a throwback to the classics of the life sim genre, reimagined in glorious HD thanks to the developer's work in Unreal Engine 5.
A twist on standard pen refill sims such as Biro Blast and Don't Smudge the Sharpie!, Fountain Pen Refill ups the stakes with the Switch's gyro controls directly influencing the spill level of the ink. Will you choose black, blue or red in this calligraphy challenge?
The studio has also announced that a DLC package will be made available within the first six months of the title's release, containing the following:
- Paper variety upgrades
- Clean up spilt ink with touchscreen controls
- Added character hand options
- And much more!
Toilet Cleaning Simulator
They handed out scratch-and-sniff cards at the press event for this one. A fun gimmick, yes, but could it not have been for Bread Baking Sim instead?
This sim will have you dual-wielding both Joy-Cons as you bleach, scrub and wipe some of the dirtiest toilet bowls from around the world. If it sounds disgusting, that's because it is.
Game modes include 'Plunger Time Trial', 'Tough Scrub Co-op' and 'Suspicious Stain Mystery Round'. Look, we're not going to judge — it sounds very interesting. And if you're the kind of person who likes the sound of this, then do we have another Sim for you!
Toilet Cleaning: Double Flush!
That's right, with an IP as steaming hot as Toilet Cleaning Simulator, the studio has already confirmed the game's sequel, Double Flush!
This looks to be much the same as its predecessor and might work better as a standard DLC, although the added 'Find The Blockage' minigame promises fun for all the family. Exactly what that means, we'll have to find out, but our imagination is running wild with this one.
DISHWASHER - Loading
We're not quite sure what they were going for with the title here (come on, it's as if we just made these up!) although the futuristic feel of the capitals and hyphen certainly has us interested.
Like Surgeon Simulator but with a dishwasher as your victim, you'll need to be careful with how much stuff (and what) you load this machine up with. It's all a balancing act as you try to manage and maintain your dishwasher to ensure you always have perfectly pristine dinnerware.
Here's the official game summary from developers Machine Wash Only:
Take the joys of loading a dishwasher to the next level in DISHWASHER - Loading! Get the most out of your tablets by stacking the plates, bowls, pans and cutlery just right to get the perfect clean. But be careful, overloading the dishwasher will result in remnants of cereal making its way into the spoons! It's just like real washing, but without the joy of the food!
Nose Picking Simulator
Only in an event during which we watched two promos for Toilet Cleaning Simulator, could this feel like light relief. Think WarioWare's Gold Digger minigame and you're just getting started.
Perhaps the most luck-based sim announced during the show, Nose Picking Simulator will utilise the Switch's touchscreen capabilities as you clear your avatar's nostrils of all unwanted inhabitants.
While the game is still in its beta phase, the studio was able to provide us with the following list of features:
- Dig for gold: Get in deep and have a root around in the Switch's first nasal simulator!
- Pick it, roll it, flick it: The game doesn't end once you've picked out a winner. Scan the room with motion controls and choose the ultimate place to flick! Behind the sofa? Into the sink? On the cat? The choice is yours!
- Nose accessories: Choose from a range of piercings, tattoos and hair lengths to make this nose sim as life-like as possible!
With all of these very much real titles definitely coming to Switch, we can't help but wonder if there are any that we missed. Let us know of any more absolutely confirmed, 100% real, life sims in the comments below!