In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit into the rest of the pages. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes - so welcome to our new regular feature, Back Page. This week, Kate snuck into Ubisoft's HQ, Ezio-style, and found a few pages of their latest script...
Hello there. I'm a female video game reviewer, and no, I was not placed here at Nintendo Life as a promotional tie-in with Ubisoft's upcoming film about a female video game reviewer — it's just a coincidence! However, I have managed to get exclusive access to the (extremely real) in-the-works script for REPLAY, which is about a female games critic who's unlucky in love, and gets the chance to turn her dating life into a video game.
Isn't it every woman's dream to combine their gaming hobby and their love life? It's certainly mine. Life would be much easier if I could win over a potential partner by save-scumming my way to saying "the right thing" instead of just screaming and running away!
Anyway, here's a few excerpts of the script. We didn't get the whole thing, but who wants to spend their weekend reading through an entire script? Not us, that's who.
Alright, so, off the bat, we learn that the video game reviewer — who's apparently called Kate, weird — meets with some potentially supernatural weirdness. Getting struck by lightning seems like a bit of a mid-2000s thing to have in a film, but we're not complaining — it's second only to that gimmick where two people body-swap for a day. Freaky Friday is the height of cinema, and we will not hear any debate on this.
You know, I've always wondered what it's like to be a bachelor or bachelorette in a Harvest Moon / Story of Seasons game. Can you really fall in love with someone purely because they come into your house once a day, hand you an egg, and leave? I guess if you're into the mysterious types, maybe. And eggs.
I've definitely had editors like this. It's weird the way they occasionally look directly at a spot that I can't see and spout off disclaimers. I always just figured that it was an Editor thing!
This is 100 per cent what it is like to write a review. It's all puns and elaborate metaphors. Give the people what they want, I guess.
I'm glad to see that Ubisoft are hoping to represent all parts of gaming, good and bad! Skyrim wouldn't be Skyrim without idiotic guards and their myopic cones of vision, would it? If only shoplifting in real life were as easy as putting a bucket on someone's head and nicking all their tiaras.
I'm starting to think that video games have it right. I wish my partner was sworn to carry my burdens. I'm lucky if I can get him to carry half of the shopping. He usually just says things like "maybe you shouldn't have bought 2kg of ice cream" and "do we really need this many crisps?".
Ooooh, looks like REPLAY is going to get spicy. I wonder if it'll just fade to black like a video game sex scene? Maybe with the "ooh"s and "ah"s done as a voiceover, Fable-style? Maybe you have to pay extra to see them in the cinema — or maybe they'll let the audience press a button to skip the cutscene? Guess we'll find out.
Seems like REPLAY is going to end much like other films about journalists: they write a six-page essay about the things they learned about love, and submit it to their editor even though it's not what they were asked to write, before ceremoniously quitting their job, because... boyfriend??? Yeah, we're looking at you, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
Aw, what a lovely ending. It's a shame that women are so hard to animate, but we can't help it — we're just so darn confusing. It's all those tentacles, probably.