In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit into the rest of the pages. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag". We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes - so welcome to our new regular feature, Back Page. This week, Kate snuck into Ubisoft's HQ, Ezio-style, and found a few pages of their latest script...
Hello there. I'm a female video game reviewer, and no, I was not placed here at Nintendo Life as a promotional tie-in with Ubisoft's upcoming film about a female video game reviewer — it's just a coincidence! However, I have managed to get exclusive access to the (extremely real) in-the-works script for REPLAY, which is about a female games critic who's unlucky in love, and gets the chance to turn her dating life into a video game.
Isn't it every woman's dream to combine their gaming hobby and their love life? It's certainly mine. Life would be much easier if I could win over a potential partner by save-scumming my way to saying "the right thing" instead of just screaming and running away!
Anyway, here's a few excerpts of the script. We didn't get the whole thing, but who wants to spend their weekend reading through an entire script? Not us, that's who.
Alright, so, off the bat, we learn that the video game reviewer — who's apparently called Kate, weird — meets with some potentially supernatural weirdness. Getting struck by lightning seems like a bit of a mid-2000s thing to have in a film, but we're not complaining — it's second only to that gimmick where two people body-swap for a day. Freaky Friday is the height of cinema, and we will not hear any debate on this.
You know, I've always wondered what it's like to be a bachelor or bachelorette in a Harvest Moon / Story of Seasons game. Can you really fall in love with someone purely because they come into your house once a day, hand you an egg, and leave? I guess if you're into the mysterious types, maybe. And eggs.
I've definitely had editors like this. It's weird the way they occasionally look directly at a spot that I can't see and spout off disclaimers. I always just figured that it was an Editor thing!
This is 100 per cent what it is like to write a review. It's all puns and elaborate metaphors. Give the people what they want, I guess.
I'm glad to see that Ubisoft are hoping to represent all parts of gaming, good and bad! Skyrim wouldn't be Skyrim without idiotic guards and their myopic cones of vision, would it? If only shoplifting in real life were as easy as putting a bucket on someone's head and nicking all their tiaras.
I'm starting to think that video games have it right. I wish my partner was sworn to carry my burdens. I'm lucky if I can get him to carry half of the shopping. He usually just says things like "maybe you shouldn't have bought 2kg of ice cream" and "do we really need this many crisps?".
Ooooh, looks like REPLAY is going to get spicy. I wonder if it'll just fade to black like a video game sex scene? Maybe with the "ooh"s and "ah"s done as a voiceover, Fable-style? Maybe you have to pay extra to see them in the cinema — or maybe they'll let the audience press a button to skip the cutscene? Guess we'll find out.
Seems like REPLAY is going to end much like other films about journalists: they write a six-page essay about the things they learned about love, and submit it to their editor even though it's not what they were asked to write, before ceremoniously quitting their job, because... boyfriend??? Yeah, we're looking at you, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
Aw, what a lovely ending. It's a shame that women are so hard to animate, but we can't help it — we're just so darn confusing. It's all those tentacles, probably.
Comments 23
Mario The Hedgehog? Sounds like a cool dude who's got attitude but abides by speeding laws.
Just to say, keep doing what you're doing, Kate. Your work is always... I'm struggling to find the right adjective, but be assured it is a positive one. Thank you, and keep it up.
I've been lied to! The disclaimer said "terrible jokes" but all I got were good ones!
I didn't think reading a script would give me such a clear view of a romantic comedy mixed with Ubisoft bugs. Thanks for the read
I hope you guys do more back page articles. This was interesting. Thanks! ☺️
Kate Gray has already improved this website so much. I love features like this. Please never stop.
That was... strange, but in a good way. I'm looking forward to more back page articles, assuming you guys do more, that is.
I will never not find the fact that people think this is real enough to be outraged by it is hilarious.
@Miyamotosan How is "brilliant" as an adjective?
I’m stupid, you had me for some good portion of it thinking "are they serious?!" The NL-staff-thing gave it away though ^^
Thumbs up!
Another great addition to the site, I'm liking the variety of features lately. Looking forward to the next Back Page!
I was expecting some sort of take one the concept/script so now I’m just kinda confused about the entire idea overall 😂 like it sounds like she’s in a video game world having the job of a reviewer? Sounds wonky and confusing just by reading the script. I also find it ironic that one written note about it being too explicit when they used the terms “making love” and not sex and the portion above that was about her friend cheating on her spouse...
Either way this all seems like an April Fool’s gig with the shameless NL plug. But was a bit entertaining to read.
If it’s got Ubisoft attached it will be a bucket of trash.
If dating was a videogame, then for me it's like playing Ghost n Goblins while blindfolded
That was a fun read actually. Ha. Good feature article.
Aaah, this is the famous T-posing everyone is talking about ! Nice assertion of dominance right there, maybe I should practice it too to attract some male player 2
[T-Poses aggressively and whipers] Is it working ?
This is going to be a total woke fest.
Oh god, it's real? Holy *****, as if anything Ubisoft does can't get any worse for the industry.
This is absolutely and completely real.
I was hired as extra #394 for the musical scene in Central Park.
Though of course they had to cut that scene when they moved settings to England.
Kate, don’t stop bringing this game mag energy to the website, because I miss videogame magazines greatly, and your recent articles have really spiced up reading this site: well done!
@Lord ubisoft has made quite a few great games in the past few years tbh
@ImBackBB No, It says "mario MARIO" and "sonic THE HEDGEHOG"
@Marioman2020
No, it defo says "MARIO THE HEDGEHOG" and also starring his lame but cute buddy " SNAKE CHU GUY" 😄😉
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