In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag".
We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Apparently, July 1st is Bidoof Day — but we all know that it's also the first Crab News Thursday of the month, too. With that in mind, we've got a new list fresh out of the ocean for you, detailing the very best of the best when it comes to our pinchy friends on Switch.
Now, what exactly constitutes a "best" crab? Is it the size of the claws? The colour of the carapace? Or is it completely subjective, based on one writer's extremely biased opinions? Of course, it's the latter. But fear not: the comments section below is the place to argue for your favourite crab.
Without further ado, let's get crabbing!
Can be found in: Ring Fit Adventure
Half-crab, half-dumb-bell, all PAIN IN THE BACKSIDE. Scuttlebells, in the various colours they come in, exist to frustrate your efforts to get fit by forcing you to do exercises to defeat them. Scuttlebells may well be responsible for our overwhelming urge to do a plank every time we visit the tidal pools.
Quite frankly, Scuttlebells can do one.
9. The Crabs From Mario Kart 8
Can be found in: Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
Listen here, you leggy road-hoggers: no one liked you in Mario Kart 64's Koopa Troopa Beach, and no one likes you in Mario Kart 8's Cheep Cheep Beach. You are the worst thing about a nice beach-themed track. You are the sand in our chip butty, the saltwater up our nose, the seagull that won't stop trying to eat our Donkey Kong beach towel. You are a disgrace to the name of crab.
8. Peckish Aristocrab
Can be found in: Pikmin 3 Deluxe
What a glorious crab/onion/thing. Sure, he's a huge threat to your tiny, extremely-pinchable Pikmin, but we can't help but admire the sheer size of this lad. Now, there is the problem of him being an "aristocrab", and we at Nintendo Life don't believe in any kind of crab hierarchy (pinch the means of clawduction and all that), but... he is quite regal, isn't he? We'll let this one slide, for now.
7. All The Crabs In Fight Crab
Can be found in: Fight Crab
There are a bunch of different crabs in Fight Crab, a game about crabs fighting crabs, but thanks to the frenetic, chaotic nature of the game, we're having trouble telling them apart. As a result, we're just going to lump them all together as one, and say that they're very good crabs, but they probably need to take some anger management classes. Fighting isn't the solution to everything, crabs!
However, extra points for the title. We hope one day they remake Fight Club, but all the actors have to wear crab suits.
Can be found in: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Every game has its Goomba, and for Skyrim, that's the mudcrab. Even its name is unappealing: no one likes mud! On their own, these weak and irritating pinchy bois pose little threat; in groups — much like toddlers — they become a little more of a nuisance, able to overpower lower-level Dragonborn warriors.
However, their place on this list has been earned by the existence of BIG MUDCRAB, a skeleton that you can find near Broken Fang Cave. What a glorious specimen this Giant Mudcrab must have been.