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Topic: Free-Range Jokes, Straight from the Minds of Funny NLers

Posts 61 to 80 of 83

StarBoy91

Thank you, NintendoPurist, that means a lot.

To each their own

Joetherocker

Q: What did King Tut say when he was scared?
A: I want my mummy!

I made that up in first or second grade.

Wild signature appeared!

3DS FC: 4270-1110-7770

GamerZack87

Two old friends are catching up with each other.
The first one says, "Well, I had a mind test. Turns out I have a photogenic memory."
The other one asks, "Don't you mean a photo-graphic memory?"
The first one says, "No, I mean photogenic memory."
The other one asks, "So how does that work?"
The first one says, "Well, basically, I can only ever remember people who aren't hideously-unattractive by my own standards."
The other one says, "Huh...all this time and I never knew that. How long have we been friends?"
The first one says, "I'm not sure. Frankly, I don't really remember you."

Edited on by GamerZack87

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

Starman49843

Well, I created an account just so I can post in this topic.

A young boy is selling newspapers.
"Extra extra!! Three men swindled!!"
He gets the attention of a potential buyer.
"How much for the newspaper, sonny??"
"Ten dollars."
"That sure seems a bit steep."
"Trust me, the story in here is so juicy that it MORE than makes up for the price. I'm sure a smart man such as yourself would be one to arm himself with knowledge so that it doesn't ever happen to him."
Impressed by the boy's sales pitch, he buys one, opens it up, and looks for the story the boy spoke of.
"Hey!! There's nothing in here about three men being swindled."
"Extra extra!! Four men swindled!!"

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb??

Just one, but it takes a really long time since they just hold it in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

How do you scare a bee??

BOOBIE!! (lightly pinch the person's nipple)

A man is driving a car at a high rate of speed. He collides with a woman, killing her on impact. Who's at fault??

The man, he obviously shouldn't have been driving his car through someone's kitchen.

This one's from the comic strip Dilbert. I don't remember it word for word though, so you don't have to correct my wording if you've heard it.

Dogbert - Wally is claiming disability.
Alice - He does no work, there's no way he could have suffered a work-related injury.
Dogbert - We'll have to set up surveillance to catch him doing a vigorous activity to prove he's a fraud. Can you think of anything that Wally does vigorously??
Alice - I'd rather not.

(I can't believe that ran in newspapers LMAO)

Starman49843

pikku

Starman49843 wrote:

.

Dogbert - Wally is claiming disability.
Alice - He does no work, there's no way he could have suffered a work-related injury.
Dogbert - We'll have to set up surveillance to catch him doing a vigorous activity to prove he's a fraud. Can you think of anything that Wally does vigorously??
Alice - I'd rather not.

(I can't believe that ran in newspapers LMAO)

O_O LOL

pikku

3DS Friend Code: 1891-1165-2008 | Nintendo Network ID: pikmaniac

StarBoy91

Welcome to NintendoLife, Starman49843.

To each their own

StarBoy91

Here's another knock-knock joke (that I have thought of recently):

Luma: "Knock, knock!"
Shy Guy: "Who's there?"
Luma: "By."
Shy Guy: "By who?"
Luma: "Are you vacationing somewhere?"


Joke is probably not obvious. It's been awhile since I made a joke, so I'm probably a bit rusty.
Thoughts, friends?

Edited on by StarBoy91

To each their own

GamerZack87

Marco: "What was Mario before he became a plumber?"
Warco: "I don't know. What was Mario before he became a plumber?"
Marco: "Er, he was a carpenter. Sheesh, don't you ever play 8-bit games?"
I think of that as being funny because it's not really funny at all

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

GamerZack87

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Wa.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The Doctor.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
BOO!

And now for a proper one...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Shigeru Miyamoto.
Shigeru Miyamoto who?
...guess

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

GamerZack87

StarBoy91 wrote:

Here's another knock-knock joke (that I have thought of recently):

Luma: "Knock, knock!"
Shy Guy: "Who's there?"
Luma: "By."
Shy Guy: "By who?"
Luma: "Are you vacationing somewhere?"

Good one, StarBuddy

Thoughts on mine? You inspired me to post them!

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

GamerZack87

Just a recap of my favourites from other NLifers...as well as my top X jokes, where X is the number of my jokes in this recap.
2, T: This recap gets three +1/+1 counters.
GWU, sacrifice a Plains: This recap gains flying and trample until end of turn. You gain 5 life.

NintendoPurist wrote:

Mario, Peach and Wario are crossing the desert when Wario comes across something shiny. "Wa-ha-ha-ha! I found a shiny thing!" he says. He brushes some sand off of it to make it gleam, when POOF a genie appears! "I am the great Kalimari, most powerful Koopa Genie!" says the genie, "you have three wishes!" "Three wishes EACH?" says Wario greedily. "No," says the genie, "three wishes between you!" He turns to Peach, and says, "fair princess, you may have the first wish!" "Oh," says Peach. "What you must do," continues the genie, "is climb that waterslide and call out your wish as you descend. Once you land in the pool, your wish will come true!" Peach changes into her swimsuit, climbs the slide, and thinks. She starts to slide, and calls out, "I wish I had a P-Wing to give to my friend Mario!" Peach lands in the pool, and sure enough, there is a bubble containing a P-Wing floating on the surface. The genie turns to Mario, and says, "noble hero of this land, you may have the second wish!" Mario climbs the slide, and thinks. He starts to slide, and calls out, "I wish I had a 3-Up Moon to give to my friend Peach!" Mario lands in the pool, and sure enough, there is a 3-Up Moon hanging in the air beside the pool. Peach and Mario both climb out of the pool, and the genie turns to Wario, saying, "Uh...er...you there! You may have the third and final wish!" Wario pays no attention to the genie, climbing straight up the slide! "This looks like fun!" he says, and without thinking, he slides down, yelling out, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

NintendoPurist wrote:

Q. How does Fox deal with Peppy's constant bantering about how to do barrel-rolls and going on about his dad?
A. He switches off the com-link!

Q. How does Fox deal with Falco's constant sociopathy and negativity?
A. He switches off the com-link!

Q. How does Fox deal with Slippy's constant squeaky-voiced blabber-talk?
A. He flies up behind Slippy's Arwing, takes aim and...switches off the com-link!

PunnyGuy wrote:

A man was out grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving, looking for a turkey dinner. When he reached the counter where the meat was, he noticed the lady behind the counter was holding a nice, plump turkey, just the thing the man needed for the feast. He said to her, "Give me the bird!" She said, "I would, but this there are children in this store!"

hehehehehehehe

NintendoPurist wrote:

"Here is the news!"
Female Anchor: "A racial dispute has been reported in Bendigo today between a toasted sandwich and a bar manager. The dispute began at 9:30 PM on Tuesday when the sandwich ordered a drink. The bar manager allegedly refused to serve the sandwich on the note that 'they don't serve food'. The sandwich has pressed...(cough)...charges."

Male Anchor: "And now for international news. A 35-year-old man from Dublin has nearly drowned after attempting to perform the famous 'River Dance' near Cairo in Egypt. When questioned about his actions, the man was in de-Nile regarding his stupidity. He is in hospital in a stable condition. And now to sports!"

Sports Anchor: "And we've just received word regarding the big race between the greyhound, old car and tomato. The results were broadcast on Sox Sports 4.2 just a few minutes ago. It seems the greyhound was in the lead, whilst the car was stuck in second for most of the race. Bad news for tomato-lovers though...it just couldn't ketchup to the competition! Back to you in the studio!"

Female Anchor: "And now for weather."

Weather Anchor: "It's going to be fine and 22 in Southport...blah...blah...snow in Hobart...blah...wind warnings for Whyalla...blah...and a slight drizzle in Alice Springs. Now, just the other day one of my closest friends told me that a stormcloud is just like Santa Claus. This puzzled me for three days, so I finally asked my partner about it. She promptly giggled and said, "they both hold rain, dear!" Anyway, back to you!"

Male Anchor: "And scientists have successfully finished a ten-year experiment to crossbreed a rooster, duck, dog and cow. They have named the new species the 'Quack-a-poodle-moo'. Just wonderful. Until next time, that's the news!"

StarBoy91 wrote:

Long ago, a young martial artist in Japan was in dire need of more training, because he was hoping of entering the tournament. He asked high and low where he could find some help, until someone pointed out to the stadium where two masters were standing. "Who are they?", asked the young martial artist. Said someone replied, "They are Shori Uken and Haad Oken."

PunnyGuy wrote:

A guy walks into a sea food stand and asks what everybody is selling. The fish salesman says, "I've got fish!" The lobster salesman says, "I've got lobsters!" The clam salesman says, "I've got clams!" The shrimp salesman says, "I've got shrimp!" The crab salesman just points to his sign that says "CRABS."

StarBoy91 wrote:

One day, a young Luma had decided to share a joke he had come up with to a Shy Guy.
Luma: "Knock, knock!"
Shy Guy: "Who's there?"
Luma: "Yah."
Shy Guy: "Yah who?"
Luma: "Is that your favorite search engine?"

NintendoPurist wrote:

Two old friends are catching up with each other.
The first one says, "Well, I had a mind test. Turns out I have a photogenic memory."
The other one asks, "Don't you mean a photo-graphic memory?"
The first one says, "No, I mean photogenic memory."
The other one asks, "So how does that work?"
The first one says, "Well, basically, I can only ever remember people who aren't hideously-unattractive by my own standards."
The other one says, "Huh...all this time and I never knew that. How long have we been friends?"
The first one says, "I'm not sure. Frankly, I don't really remember you."

And here's a joke I think everybody will get: Windows Vista

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

StarBoy91

Not bad, NintendoBuddy.

To each their own

GamerZack87

NP is standing in Gadd Lab beside himself. Prof. Gadd and Hoot are on a scientific expedition leaving NP to look after nine babies and a giant blue sentient Star Bit. Fortunately, Twink is with him.

Baby PunnyGuy burps up a bubble. "Aw, isn't that cute?" asks Twink. The bubble floats over to Baby Cloudcult, touches his nose and pops. Cloudcult lets out a massive sneeze...and I'm sure you can guess what mess happens next. Cloudcult starts crying loudly. "Not when that happens, Twink!" says NP, panicking.

Baby StarBoy plays with a plush Luma, and Baby Xkhaoz wants to play with it, so he snatches the Luma out of StarBoy's hands. StarBoy starts crying, so NP snatches back the Luma and gives it to StarBoy, who begins to giggle. "Aw, a baby's laughter..." says NP, just as Xkhaoz starts to cry.

The rest of the babies are all over the place. GM is in the cupboard, playing with saucepans and plastic bowls; DannyBoy is trying to climb up the curtain; StarFox is trying to reach an object from a high shelf; SonicMaster is crawling quickly every which way; and Pikmaniac is pulling-out Gadd's veggies and eating them.

At this point, Gadd walks in the door and says, "I have chocolate cookies for the little tykes...I take it they were no trouble?" As soon as Gadd says 'chocolate cookies', the babies stop what they're doing and sit quietly, looking up at Gadd. "Oh well," says NP, "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade." At that point, a strong odour fills the Lab. NP's face screws-up as he says, "Let me rephrase that: if life gives you cocoa, make fudge!"
This is a representation of how NP will feel for the next three eps of Power Rangers. Thank you for your time.

Edited on by GamerZack87

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

GamerZack87

Q. Why did the Star Fox fan receive extreme misfortune?
A. He said 'Macbeth' in an arcade!

Let's see how many people get that one

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

Robo-goose

A Blonde is using a floaty-seat in a pool when she suddenly falls off. She starts to drown. she screems for help! Soon, the lifegaurd walks up and says "Miss, please step out of the kiddie pool."
No offense

"I'm a heartbreaker...
My name... Charles." -The Greatest Man In Driftveil City

LzWinky

What do you get when you give fanboys new console/game announcements?

MORE COMPLAINTS!!

Current games: Everything on Switch

Switch Friend Code: SW-5075-7879-0008 | My Nintendo: LzWinky | Nintendo Network ID: LzWinky

StarBoy91

I've got two more jokes for this thread:

Here's my first one:
Luma: "Knock, knock!"
Shy Guy: "Who's there?"
Luma: "Who!"
Shy Guy: "Who who?"
Luma: "Whoa, is there an owl in here?"

And now, here's my second one (it's a little different than my previous jokes):
One day there were many character contestants that were auditioning for a show about singing. A luma, one of three judges,notices a rotund character named Kirby. He comes over to Kirby and politely asks if Kirby would like to sing. Kirby was reluctant at first, but then he immediately agreed to audition. At the audition, the luma gave Kirby a microphone. "Here you go," said the luma. Kirby swallowed the mike and turned into Mike Kirby, to the surprise of the three judges. The luma then said, "Okay, Kirby, please sing for us". Kirby began to sing, but his voice was so loud, that every one began to cover their ears and the studio was on the verge of collapsing. None of the characters inside the building were scathed, thankfully. However, one last thing happened that day:
Kirby: "Poyo? [Well?]"
[Left judge is Thwomp, middle judge is the luma, and the right judge is a Shy Guy]
Shy Guy: "My ears!!!!!!!! Someone please call a doctor. Waaaah!"
Luma goes to cheer up the Shy Guy
Thwomp: "You brought the house down!" Thwomp goes up, and plummets down quickly, shaking the ground temporarily in the process "Literally!!!!"
Luma: "Well, that's... quite a voice you have there, Kirby."
This one came from watching one of the episodes of Hoshi no Kaabii [Kirby of the Stars] [the uncensored Japanese original, not the Americanized 4Kids dub version] on YouTube. There were no judges in that episode, but I thought, why not?

Thoughts?

To each their own

theblackdragon

lz2010 wrote:

What do you get when you give fanboys new console/game announcements?

MORE COMPLAINTS!!

ahahahahahaha omg that's hilarious
poking them never gets old :3

BEST THREAD EVER
future of NL >:3
[16:43] James: I should learn these site rules more clearly
[16:44] LztheBlehBird: James doesn't know the rules? For shame!!!

3DS Friend Code: 3136-6802-7042 | Nintendo Network ID: gentlemen_cat | Twitter:

GamerZack87

Q. Why did the air-conditioner store go out of business?

A. It didn't have air-conditioning!

"Pay me 20 Rupees and I'll talk."
CHINK
"Never forget the comfort of freshly-washed shorts."

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