Convoluted plots and homoeroticism ahoy! Metal Gear Solid comes to the Gamecube.

Metal Gear Solid is an undoubted classic. It's release in 1999 on the Playstation heralded that the times were a-changing for the geek's hobby of choice. Here was a game that had characters and set pieces to shame even the most insane action movie. Getting to sneak around in an unprecededentedly atmospheric and beautiful looking environment made a refreshing change from the tried and tested formula of blasting everything and their immediate family. As well as it's more intellectual approach to gameplay, it presented a plot worthy of Hollywood. Confusing, convoluted, yet mesmerising all the same, the game couldn't help but enrapture anyone who laid their lustful jealous eyes upon it. A testament to it's legendary status is the fact that it's protagonist Solid Snake is still deemed one of the best computer game characters ever.

Was it actually THAT good though?

Due to it's nature as a 'spy sim,' young N64-owning idiots such as myself were keen to compare it to our own movie-themed spy simulator 'Goldeneye 007.' This resulted in many arguments with PS owning goons, and on one occasion, a full on fistfight. Now, at the ripe old age of 22, with the aid of my urine-tinted spectacles, I can see that our arguments were completely stupid; Goldeneye was FAR better, and I should have plugged Richard Hyman in his stupid speccy face. It still plays brilliantly now, and remains a completely superlative exercise in sneaking and blasting peoples faces off.

Can the same be said of Metal Gear Solid? With the aid of this Gamecube remake, we can find out...

To those not yet affiliated with the series, 'Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes' sees you assume the role of macho spy Solid Snake, as he tries to stop a load of terrorists using a giant bipedal nuclear tank (the aforementioned Metal Gear) from taking over the world and using it as their dirty plaything. However, you can't do this by blasting everything in sight. The environs are designed in such a way that you can sneak around and choke people to death without being spotted. Stealth and underhanded dirty tactics are the order of the day, and you're given a range of moves and gadgets to aid you in your mammoth task. You face a range of bosses including the excellently camp main antagonist Liquid Snake (there is a relation, but to tell you would spoil the main arc of the MGS series) and the curiously attired Revolver Ocelot. As you delve further into the game, the plot unfolds, and you uncover a deep conspiracy that leads right to the top of government. It's like an episode of 24 with fashion victims.

'But how does it play?' I hear you feckless dregs ask. Well, I'll tell you. After piddling about with 'The Twin Snakes' for an hour, you start to feel somewhat cheated. It's 'Metal Gear Solid' with 'Metal Gear Solid 2' graphics thrown in. For such a hyped up title, it's disappointing to see such a lazy port. One wouldn't mind so much if it were actually good to play, but... well, put simply, it isn't. The control system in 'Resident Evil' seems as simple as 'Sonic 2' in comparison with this awkward fiddly exercise in crouching, crawling, leaping and titting about. It doesn't help that whilst you're making a tool of yourself and getting yourself killed, you're presented with a game filled with graphical glitches, slowdown and some really dull environments. On a console capable of running our Lord and Master Resident Evil 4, it's an abject failure on the part of the developer. How can the more powerful Gamecube struggle with a graphics engine of a fairly old PS2 game? Not only that, but the camera is the most rubbish and useless thing in the world ever. You can barely see five yards in front of you, meaning you have to keep switching to first person view to see where you're going.

After a few more hours trying to get to grips with it, you won't have any more complaints about the control system, basically because you'd only have used it for about 10 minutes. The other 3 hours will have been swallowed whole by goliath cut-scenes, stupid radio chats that go on forever, and clunky plot exposition. Insanity will creep in at this point as you try and keep your patience as cocking Mei Lin starts talking twaddle to you for the gazillionth time. If this is the best game ever (as some opined), Freddie Starr is the new messiah.

However, another clutch of hours later, it hits you. You can't stop playing the bloody thing. It's not because the game is good. It's still as frustrating and as agonising as shoving wasps up your nostrils, but it has a plot and atmosphere which compels you to endeavour through its many flaws. Whilst daft and overwrought, it sucks you into it's universe and refuses to let you go for a toilet break. You begin to find that you don't mind that the game itself is actually pish, as you'll be too busy trying to shoot the next boss and see what he reveals about the story in his overlong hammy death speech. This is why 'Twin Snakes' is such a difficult game to review. Everything about it screams mediocrity and laziness, but you don't seem to mind because something about its universe compels you to continue.

This is where the main strengths of 'Metal Gear Solid' lies. It is a game of undoubtedly strong character. It's even excellently innovative at points. One memorable boss is even able to read the data of your memory card and take the piss out of you and the games you play. It's 'fourth wall' breaking moments like these that help keep the game as excellently memorable as it is, despite its many flaws. Another factor in its favour is its undoubted sense of humour. In an obvious nod to its B-Movie heritage, the main character sounds like Kurt Russell and spouts some of the most knowingly cliched action bilge heard in a computer game. Clearly, we are in the presence of a game that isn't afraid to take the piss in the positive sense. Solid Snake is a likeable hero, although clearly in need of happy pills, as he mopes around talking about the horrors of war.

And, er... that's it. There's nought much else about the game other than strong character and atmosphere. In their attempts to make the whole experience super cool, the developers seemed to have forgotten to add an actual game. The actual 'gameplay' (save for the boss fights) feels more like navigating a DVD menu, as it takes you to the next hyper-realistic cut scene where the characters perform stunts that they couldn't do during actual gameplay. It commits the most heinous crime of forcing you to backtrack constantly between areas, making it interminably dull at some points. It's the ultimate cad of the gaming world, as it attempts to dazzle you with it's character and cinematics. Unfortunately, beyond the presentation, there's very little else.

All the atmosphere and character in the world isn't going to save this game from an average review score. The simple truth is that 'Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes' is an ultimately frustrating and lazy port of a game that has dated considerably in the 8 or 9 years since its original PS release. Any game which gives you around 3 hours of gametime and double that in cinematics deserves to be scolded most aggressively. And it shall be. Once you complete it, you frankly won't feel compelled to go through it a second time, which is a most heinous fault in a computer game.

In it's favour though, it's still a million times better and more fun than the likes of Splinter Cell, which take the dull quotent to new levels of unadulterated tedium.

Case in point;
Splinter Cell... Save a man strapped to a chair, stop some nasty terrorists selling arms, save some more hosta...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Metal Gear Solid... GIANT ROBOTS! NINJA'S! REALLY GAY BOSSES! JUMPING ON MISSILES!! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Saying it's better than Splinter Cell however, is like saying Bob Monkhouse is funnier than Spike Lee. Neither of them are particularly recommended.

Thankfully, the most recent addition to the series on the PS2, 'Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence' rectifies many of the faults rife in this version. It's simply brilliant, with a major decrease in the amount of cutscenes and more game for your bucks. If you want a fix of 'MGS' action, you're highly advised to dig it out instead of this cash-in. For all it's charm, 'Twin Snakes' is simply cack. One for sad, ruddy faced completists only. Like me if I'm honest. All others are better off sticking to Goldeneye. In fact, even ruddy faced completists should stick to Goldeneye. So they can finally see why it's better.

More like a documentary than a game, 'Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes' is undoubtedly an experience. I'm sure having syphilis is an experience as well though. Do you want that kind of experience? Stick to something you can actually play.

Dan.