‘What’s for tea mother?’ ‘Brains, son.’ ‘Goody.’

Cast your minds back to the heady days of 1996. It was a time of innocence and hope. John Major was still Prime Minister, Britpop was in its heyday, and Chris Evans was actually entertaining. It was also a time which saw computer games take a drastic leap forward with the release of ‘Resident Evil’ on the Playstation. No longer were games solely about fat morally dubious plumbers fitting down pipes and eating mushrooms. No longer were they the domain of countless cute stupid animals bouncing in happy land. Here was a deliciously dark and violent game, fit for putting the willies up even the hardest of the hard. When your resident reviewer was but a lad of no more than 12 years of age, he observed all this gleeful carnage, thinking to himself that it was the best thing ever. Watching his best friend wandering around blowing the heads of harmless unassuming undead hordes, he wished to himself ‘Man, I wish I could have that game…’

Flick forward six years to 2002. Rap-Metal held dominion in the charts, John Major was in an Opium Den, and Chris Evans was having it away with teenage popstrels. Yet a super powered version of ‘Resident Evil’ made a return in all its stupidly violent glory on the Gamecube, proving some things never change. And those things are all the better for not changing. The moment it was out, your reviewer spent 42 pounds of his hard earned money on it. And didn’t regret it one bit. His wish came true.

So! In the wake of the latest and greatest addition in the series- the astonishing Resident Evil 4- Nintendolife takes a look back at the game that started it all. Again.

For those of you who actually have lives and social duties, Resident Evil is a 3rd Person action adventure that eloquently melds tricky puzzle solving with highly childish and amusing violence. Players take the role of either Chris Redfield or Jill Valentine (We always go for Jill because of her larger weapons cache, lock picking abilities and curvy bottom) and explore a grim looking mansion filled with zombies and beasties that are rather keen on ingesting your delicious looking head. Exploring said grim mansion, your curvaceously gifted character uncovers a mad conspiracy that could bring about some zombie apocalypse. And it’s up to you to stop it! Oh, and coming out alive would be quite useful as well.

KINDLY TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASE…

The first thing one notices with this version of Resident Evil is the graphics. It’s as if the graphics engine has been dipped in honey, sprayed with deodorant and given a good polishing by Keira Knightley. Zombies have never looked so sexy. Lights flicker eerily, crows fly around menacingly and characters move more smoothly than one of those office chairs that go ‘phooooosh’ when you pump it up and let it go down. A testament to its beauty is the fact that it still looks the part today, four years after it was unveiled. They still look so good in fact, that one wonders why we’re heading into the next generation of consoles so quickly.

Once you get past its grimly dank beauty however, you find basically the same gameplay that has terrorised people for years. This is a good thing indeed, helped in part by a unique camera system. Instead of a roaming camera following your character, we get fixed cameras tilted at some pleasantly Hitchcockian angles. These could be seen as annoying, as you never know whether something is going to pop out from some obtrusive piece of furniture and make a pie out of your guts. However, these angles promote caution and fear rather than all out blasting. They also add so much to the inherent sense of claustrophobia found already throughout the game.

The then unprecedented fixed camera angles encourage a cautious mode of play rather than all out blasting. This seems to be solidified by the fact that zombies can take up to a full clip to kill properly, unless you’re a lucky sod and get a head shot (these are always satisfying by the way). Clearly, the game is designed with survival and preservation in mind, rather than the blitz of guns and guts we found in ‘Resident Evil 4.’ It’s a quandary that many have found themselves in; do I shoot the zombie now? Or run past him and use my precious bullets on the enormous snake I’m about to encounter? It’s up to you what you do. Bear in mind though that this is a game that rewards reserve and tact over aimless blasting.

AAAARGH!!! NOT THE FACE!!!

Should you favour the trigger happy option though (and if you do, you’re either incredibly brave or a heroic dumbass), you’re greeted with arguably the most terrifying thing in any game ever.

Picture it. You’re about to wander into a room you’ve been in before. You’ve just completed a puzzle, fought your way past another couple of zombies and are looking for something to complete the next puzzle. You don’t feel any danger. You shot the zombie that was in here before stone dead. You wander past your conquest feeling perfectly secure and happy. He’s lying on the ground, and there’s no chance of him getting up anytime soon. Hell, you saw the pool of blood pouring out of him, signifying his permanent demise from the world…

THEN THE BLOODY THING GETS UP AND RUNS AFTER YOU.

That’s right. They run. The zombies no longer shamble around like a tramp on a quest for Special Brew. We’re talking zombie Jesse Owens’ here, only instead of a shiny gold medal, he has your delicious rump as a prize instead.

After cleaning your soiled knickers, you realise yet again that a gun happy killing spree just won’t do. You also realise that it’s a genius masterstroke by Capcom. Absolutely nowhere is safe in this game. Zombies crash through doors, spiders jump off the walls and sharks come at you underwater.

Basically you’re damned if you do, and ripped apart if you don’t.

BEETHOVEN: THE CANNIBAL CORPSE YEARS.

This feeling of insecurity is solidified even further by an absolutely brilliant musical score. It’s typical horror music fare, yet it’s the best type of horror music. It’s probably the kind of music Robert Smith would have on during a dinner party. Wandering into a room, you’re greeted with some deliciously ambient gothic pieces. When the action tenses up (during boss fights in particular), the music picks up tempo with it. We’re not talking ludicrously bad ‘Devil May Cry’ style pumping techno-rock here, but it spruces up suitably to complement the moment. The music in the save room is particularly mellow and memorable. After the harrowing experience running around like a prize buffoon trying not to get eaten, wandering into a room to save your progress and stock up on precious ammo with a minimalist piano piece on in the background is like rubbing a puppy against your buttocks after having it whacked by stingy nettles. It was lovely. Veterans of the series are also greeted with updates and remixes of their favourite musical moments in the game. Just in case you didn’t feel old and useless enough already.

Thus, if you weren’t edgy enough already playing this, you’ve got a lovely unsettling soundtrack to trouble your already jilted bowels even further.

HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE THE CAT ATE MY GUTS…

It’s not all sweetness and light in this update. As before, the controls are a complete and utter sod to get used to. As you try to get to grips with them, your character will run into walls and enemies with the alarming regularity of a palsied masochist. He/she will bump his/her head and get nipped with an almost distressing inevitability at every turn. Thankfully though, this system eventually becomes second nature. Of more pressing annoyance is the inventory present in the game. It’s quite simply, shockingly irritating. Those used to ‘Resident Evil 4’s’ perfect weapon and item storing system will be in for a tough time, as you’re allowed only around half a dozen spaces in your inventory. What’s worse is that some of those items (usually the fun explosive ones) take up two spaces, leaving you with virtually no room to store herbs and other essentials...

However, all of these faults arguably add to the retro charm of the game. ‘Resident Evil’ just wouldn’t be the same without an awkward control system and wilfully crappy weapons inventory. It’s like toad without the hole. Jelly without the Ice Cream. Council Estates without the single mothers. It would be something of a travesty to change it when so many people are used to it.

One must not forget though, that this is a four year old game being reviewed. Actually, ten years old if you count the original Playstation version. There’s also the fact that all of the problems mentioned have been erased completely by the sublime ‘Resident Evil 4.’ Seeing as it is a retro review, we can thus forgive any of its discrepancies, and enjoy it for the past-blasting experience it truly is.

All in all, ‘Resident Evil’ deserves as much space in your games collection as it’s now legendary sequel. And that’s not just in some patronising ‘awwww hasn’t he grown!’ way either. It’s still a startlingly frightening game (one moment dear readers, had your reviewer’s buttocks grasping desperately at his underwear for a good number of hours during and afterwards). Once the controls are mastered, it also plays excellently, looks gorgeous and shames many games that have come before and since. It’s arguable that no other survival horror has been so viscerally intense in presenting such a bloody terrifying atmosphere. It arguably still holds an edge over the more erudite ‘Silent Hill.’ That’s not to denigrate ‘Silent Hill,’ but to be honest it never got your reviewer pooping his pants something chronic like this did. For that reason alone, ‘Resident Evil’ deserves your undivided attention. Otherwise you’ll find yourself looking for your brains on the carpet.

Seeing as this can be purchased for around the five pounds mark now, there’s really no excuse not to own this slice of zombie molesting fun. Though ‘Resident Evil 4’ perfects the genre, this shows it was well on its way already. Grrrrargh.

Dan