Feature: Nintendo's Presidential Candidates
Posted by Thomas Whitehead
The race to the Mushroom House
Today is a big day in the United States of America, as the next President is set to be elected in an exceptionally tight race to the White House. Still, politics isn't always particularly exciting, especially when candidates don't do anything fun like defy gravity or harness special abilities. No, they're two politicians that duke it out with slogans and some questionable election adverts.
If we lived in a parallel gaming universe, where life really was as crazy as the games we play, who would you elect to lead this bizarre world? There are plenty of candidates in the Nintendo roster, but we've picked out some of the biggest names and outlined their potential policies and suitability for the role.
Campaign Slogan — Wahooo!!! Yippeee!!!
Mario is a strong candidate for President, with his millions of adoring fans and pre-eminence in the gaming industry. He's also a true leader, fearlessly crushing his enemies with his oversized boots, dodging all obstacles and getting the job done. He always wins, can lend his hand to almost any discipline (from saving the world to volleyball), and has a nice, bushy moustache that's always well-trimmed.
Campaign Promise — More plumber internships
Campaign Slogan — Walking slowly to the left, together
Bowser can bring security back to the nation, with hordes of goombas, koopas and other strange soldiers/weapons at his disposal. He has a proven track record of successfully kidnapping senior political figures (well, okay, a Princess), while he can become super-sized almost at will. With plenty of koopalings in line to continue the dynasty, the age of Bowser would last for generations.
Campaign Promise — Crush Mario and marry Princess Peach
Campaign Slogan — Let's all suck together
Kirby may just look like a pink blob — because he is just a pink blob — but he's also the diplomat needed to forge strong international relations. If his cute face and "HIIIIIIIIII" greetings don't work, he can steal a rival country's secrets by literally absorbing them and reproducing their power. He can also clean up the nation's problems by sucking them up and spitting them out as glittering stars, and who doesn't want to see that?
Campaign Promise — Make everything super-bright and colourful
Campaign Slogan — Representing the Goddess of the Light
Pit is a front-man, but he's also an angel who happens to be representing a bona-fide Goddess of Light, Palutena. With a cheeky personality, though occasionally pessimistic when faced with one too many reapers, he can bring a smile to the people's faces. The real power would reside in the heavens, but as long as Pit impresses by flying around occasionally and zapping enemies with his assortment of cool weapons, who cares?
Campaign Promise — Will defend good against evil
Campaign Slogan — Blasting away our problems
Samus Aran is a strong, powerful leader, though prefers to work alone. More than capable of taking out an entire army of Space Pirates single-handedly, Aran would be a very active Commander-in-Chief during any armed conflicts; she'd be able to save billions of dollars in Military spending due to her fighting ability. Not a great orator, and may be susceptible to blindly following daft orders from anyone called Adam.
Campaign Promise — Will avoid speaking too much
Campaign Slogan — Uniting the Kingdom's power
Zelda is a true leader of the ages, leading Hyrule through countless generations and confusing, crossed timelines. On most occasions she keeps the lands safe, but on the rare occasions of evil sweeping across the world she can call upon her Vice-Presidential candidate, Link, to heroically save the day. Able to summon magic in a tight spot, she can remain calm no matter how strange the characters around her.
Campaign Promise — The tri-force will be protected
So, who would you elect? Share your political vision in the poll and comments below.
Which Nintendo character would you elect to be President? (279 votes)
I wouldn't vote for any of them
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