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Topic: The Lost Review...

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Philip_J_Reed

I thought I'd better post this before it disappears forever.

When I was writing about Art Academy: Second Semester, I was (for whatever reason) inspired to begin the review a little differently. For obvious reasons (length certainly being one of them), this entire intro had to go. A tragic, tragic loss, as it would have enriched the life of each and every reader.

If I ended up using it I would have been sure to squeeze in references to more of the staff, but the first draft is the only draft so...oh well. The review proper would have picked up right after this. I hope you enjoy.


It's Monday morning. A day like any other day. The alarm clock rings. It's time to shower, to dress, to make breakfast. Every Monday, we report for our reviewing assignments at Nintendo Life Towers, lining up outside Dazza's office. The man sits inside. Plotting.

I’m the second one to arrive, though the rest show up before long. Corbie beats me there, arriving, as he always does, some time between 6:59 and 7:01. I wish I understood his fascination with that particular time of day.

The door to Dazza’s office is closed, and his twin goons (Thomas and Bowskill) guard the door with crossed arms and “try me” scowls. The sound of maniacal cackling echoes from inside; this is never a reassuring sign. We lowly reviewers glance at each other, nervous. Who would it be this week?

We remember too well the scene when Sean Aaron was dragged away by Dazza's henchmen, screaming and weeping, to review Karate Phants. We remember the way Spencer McIlvaine developed a serious tic and was unable to communicate intelligibly for a full month after prolonged exposure to Sexy Poker. And rumors circulate like ghost stories about a man named Alex Knox, who stepped into a room with Hockey Allstar Shootout...and never stepped out.

We tend to arrive promptly, these days. ("Last one in gets The Incredible Maze" being a common taunt among us.) In time, I am summoned into Dazza's office. We are not allowed to look directly at him, nor at his solid gold furniture. I hold out my hand, head bowed respectfully, to receive my assignment. Initially, I am glad, because this particular title should be quite good. But my excitement fades when I realize that I've already reviewed it two weeks ago.

"Then you will review it again!" he bellows evilly, screwing a jewel-encrusted monocle into place. "They released it twice, so you must review it twice! And then a third time, and a fourth time, and so on until the end of time itself!" I am then beaten and tossed into a dumpster for speaking out of turn.

Philip_J_Reed

Twitter:

malpon

LOL! Fantastic read, sorry to see it dident make it.

This lesbian bar doesent have a fire exit!

theblackdragon

it's like NL fanfiction.

BEST THREAD EVER
future of NL >:3
[16:43] James: I should learn these site rules more clearly
[16:44] LztheBlehBird: James doesn't know the rules? For shame!!!
[16:44] Vintage: We have rules?
[16:44] Reala: don't expose the staff to sunlight, don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight

Nintendo Network ID: gentlemen_cat | Twitter:

Stevie

Bravo CB, I commend you on being brave enough to speak out about the behind the scene's tyranny in NL towers, although I fear a little for the backlash you may receive.

This should definitely be made into a weekly comic strip

Noire

That....that was beautiful, Chicken. Let me wipe away the tears...of laughter.

Chicken+Brutus wrote:

Corbie beats me there, arriving, as he always does, some time between 6:59 and 7:01. I wish I understood his fascination with that particular time of day.

Absolutely brilliant.

Lieutenant Commander of the Lesbian Love Brigade
There can only be one, like in that foreign movie where there could only be one, and in the end there is only one dude left, because that was the point.

theblackdragon

@feenie: lol, that was subtle indeed; i didn't catch that when i read it. very nice. :3

BEST THREAD EVER
future of NL >:3
[16:43] James: I should learn these site rules more clearly
[16:44] LztheBlehBird: James doesn't know the rules? For shame!!!
[16:44] Vintage: We have rules?
[16:44] Reala: don't expose the staff to sunlight, don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight

Nintendo Network ID: gentlemen_cat | Twitter:

Lzeon

Is this a review or a memoir?

Nintendo Life Community Administrator

Splatoon Rank: S for SOOOOOOO GOOD
Fates Castle ID: 15449-70849-36123-61987 (Revelation)

My Splatloggery

Nintendo Network ID: LzWinky

Philip_J_Reed

__Stevie wrote:

I commend you on being brave enough to speak out about the behind the scene's tyranny in NL towers, although I fear a little for the backlash you may receive.

If I suddenly disappear, tell the world my story.

Philip_J_Reed

Twitter:

Terra

The world needs more people like you Chicken. Dazza's tyranny must be brought to an end.

Edited on by Terra

Terra

malpon

The Chicken Diary's
The story of a lowly Chicken who had the courage to stand up to tyranny, injustice, pure evil, and all seven secret spices.

This lesbian bar doesent have a fire exit!

StarBoy91

That was a funny read. Good review, CB.

I am StarBoy91, and I love all things 16-bit =)
My Backloggery | StarBlog
Massive retro gamer with a heart
To each their own

Lzeon

Tyranny in the higher ups? I'm so jealous!!!

Nintendo Life Community Administrator

Splatoon Rank: S for SOOOOOOO GOOD
Fates Castle ID: 15449-70849-36123-61987 (Revelation)

My Splatloggery

Nintendo Network ID: LzWinky

StarBoy91

...or fact? Probably the former.

I am StarBoy91, and I love all things 16-bit =)
My Backloggery | StarBlog
Massive retro gamer with a heart
To each their own

James

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

James

Nintendo Network ID: DaddyNewtsUK

Terra

Prosody wrote:

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

That would be so awesome

Terra

Twilight_Crow

LOL
CB you are a genius!, please keep writing stuff like this.

Prosody wrote:

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

YES PLEASE!

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle
Our little MLP fanfic on EQD:The Perfect Night Sky
More pony stuff on my FimFiction.net userpage.
My Luna toy's ask tumblr!
My incomplete Backloggery!

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

Starkiller

Chicken, you really are a great writer.

Wii: 6384-4454-1095-5243 Mario Kart Wii: 2492-4524-4329 ([NL] Matt) Brawl: 0087-2097-5918
Excitebike - World Rally: 2966 0011 1622 (Matt) Bomberman Blitz: 3738-9648-1518 Dragon Quest Wars: 1634-4322-3201

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