General Discussion Forum

Topic: The Lost Review...

Showing 1 to 20 of 25

AuthorMessage
AvatarStaff

Philip_J_Reed

1. Posted:

I thought I'd better post this before it disappears forever.

When I was writing about Art Academy: Second Semester, I was (for whatever reason) inspired to begin the review a little differently. For obvious reasons (length certainly being one of them), this entire intro had to go. A tragic, tragic loss, as it would have enriched the life of each and every reader.

If I ended up using it I would have been sure to squeeze in references to more of the staff, but the first draft is the only draft so...oh well. The review proper would have picked up right after this. I hope you enjoy.


It's Monday morning. A day like any other day. The alarm clock rings. It's time to shower, to dress, to make breakfast. Every Monday, we report for our reviewing assignments at Nintendo Life Towers, lining up outside Dazza's office. The man sits inside. Plotting.

I’m the second one to arrive, though the rest show up before long. Corbie beats me there, arriving, as he always does, some time between 6:59 and 7:01. I wish I understood his fascination with that particular time of day.

The door to Dazza’s office is closed, and his twin goons (Thomas and Bowskill) guard the door with crossed arms and “try me” scowls. The sound of maniacal cackling echoes from inside; this is never a reassuring sign. We lowly reviewers glance at each other, nervous. Who would it be this week?

We remember too well the scene when Sean Aaron was dragged away by Dazza's henchmen, screaming and weeping, to review Karate Phants. We remember the way Spencer McIlvaine developed a serious tic and was unable to communicate intelligibly for a full month after prolonged exposure to Sexy Poker. And rumors circulate like ghost stories about a man named Alex Knox, who stepped into a room with Hockey Allstar Shootout...and never stepped out.

We tend to arrive promptly, these days. ("Last one in gets The Incredible Maze" being a common taunt among us.) In time, I am summoned into Dazza's office. We are not allowed to look directly at him, nor at his solid gold furniture. I hold out my hand, head bowed respectfully, to receive my assignment. Initially, I am glad, because this particular title should be quite good. But my excitement fades when I realize that I've already reviewed it two weeks ago.

"Then you will review it again!" he bellows evilly, screwing a jewel-encrusted monocle into place. "They released it twice, so you must review it twice! And then a third time, and a fourth time, and so on until the end of time itself!" I am then beaten and tossed into a dumpster for speaking out of turn.

NL Forum Moderator / Part-Time Reviewer / One-Track Lover
Noiseless Chatter, my pop culture blog that will change your life
Wii U Account: ChickenBrutus (add me!)
Mega Man No Damage Runs, and more

Twitter: NoNoiseChitChat

AuthorMessage
Avatar

malpon

2. Posted:

LOL! Fantastic read, sorry to see it dident make it.

This lesbian bar doesent have a fire exit!

AuthorMessage
AvatarAdmin

theblackdragon

3. Posted:

it's like NL fanfiction. :D

BEST THREAD EVER
future of NL >:3
[16:43] James: I should learn these site rules more clearly
[16:44] LztheBlehBird: James doesn't know the rules? For shame!!!
[16:44] Vintage: We have rules?
[16:44] Reala: don't expose the staff to sunlight, don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight

3DS Friend Code: 3136-6802-7042 | Nintendo Network ID: gentlemen_cat | Twitter: theblackdragon

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Stevie

4. Posted:

Bravo CB, I commend you on being brave enough to speak out about the behind the scene's tyranny in NL towers, although I fear a little for the backlash you may receive.

This should definitely be made into a weekly comic strip

This is good

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Noire

5. Posted:

That....that was beautiful, Chicken. :'( Let me wipe away the tears...of laughter. :D

Chicken+Brutus wrote:

Corbie beats me there, arriving, as he always does, some time between 6:59 and 7:01. I wish I understood his fascination with that particular time of day.

Absolutely brilliant.

Lieutenant Commander of the Lesbian Love Brigade
There can only be one, like in that foreign movie where there could only be one, and in the end there is only one dude left, because that was the point.

AuthorMessage
AvatarAdmin

theblackdragon

6. Posted:

@feenie: lol, that was subtle indeed; i didn't catch that when i read it. very nice. :3

BEST THREAD EVER
future of NL >:3
[16:43] James: I should learn these site rules more clearly
[16:44] LztheBlehBird: James doesn't know the rules? For shame!!!
[16:44] Vintage: We have rules?
[16:44] Reala: don't expose the staff to sunlight, don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight

3DS Friend Code: 3136-6802-7042 | Nintendo Network ID: gentlemen_cat | Twitter: theblackdragon

AuthorMessage
AvatarStaff

WaLzgi

7. Posted:

Is this a review or a memoir?

If you care so much for your privacy, what are you hiding?

Nintendo Life moderator and duck.

My BUY_A_WII_U_loggery

3DS Friend Code: 2234-7139-4188 | Nintendo Network ID: LzWinky

AuthorMessage
AvatarStaff

Philip_J_Reed

8. Posted:

__Stevie wrote:

I commend you on being brave enough to speak out about the behind the scene's tyranny in NL towers, although I fear a little for the backlash you may receive.

If I suddenly disappear, tell the world my story.

NL Forum Moderator / Part-Time Reviewer / One-Track Lover
Noiseless Chatter, my pop culture blog that will change your life
Wii U Account: ChickenBrutus (add me!)
Mega Man No Damage Runs, and more

Twitter: NoNoiseChitChat

AuthorMessage
Avatar

pixelman

9. Posted:

Chicken, you are brilliant. Awesome.

I made Kid Tripp! PocketGamer gave it a 9 out of 10! You should totally buy it now!
[16:39] BadKitty: you trying to steal stuff from me? u_u
[16:41] kribs: don't worry Emmy, even if poix tried to steal something from you, he wouldn't finish stealing it

3DS Friend Code: 1123-6536-5321 | Nintendo Network ID: pixelpowa | Twitter: thatpixelguy

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Terra

10. Posted:

The world needs more people like you Chicken. Dazza's tyranny must be brought to an end.

Edited on by Terra

Terra

3DS Friend Code: 3480-2530-5557 | Twitter: HDStockdale

AuthorMessage
Avatar

malpon

11. Posted:

The Chicken Diary's
The story of a lowly Chicken who had the courage to stand up to tyranny, injustice, pure evil, and all seven secret spices.

This lesbian bar doesent have a fire exit!

AuthorMessage
Avatar

WanderFan91

12. Posted:

That was a funny read. Good review, CB. :D :)

AKA StarBoy91
Wanderloggery | StarBlog
Check out my Personal Super Famicom Recommendations
Massive retro gamer with a heart <3
Big Wander Over Yonder fan
23 and proud =)
To each their own

AuthorMessage
AvatarStaff

WaLzgi

13. Posted:

Tyranny in the higher ups? I'm so jealous!!! :P

If you care so much for your privacy, what are you hiding?

Nintendo Life moderator and duck.

My BUY_A_WII_U_loggery

3DS Friend Code: 2234-7139-4188 | Nintendo Network ID: LzWinky

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Odnetnin

14. Posted:

Best piece of fiction I've read all month.

Six word TV reviews
The Worst Firework Displays of all Time

3DS Friend Code: 3093-7077-1059 | Twitter: Odnetnin

AuthorMessage
Avatar

pixelman

15. Posted:

Fiction?

I made Kid Tripp! PocketGamer gave it a 9 out of 10! You should totally buy it now!
[16:39] BadKitty: you trying to steal stuff from me? u_u
[16:41] kribs: don't worry Emmy, even if poix tried to steal something from you, he wouldn't finish stealing it

3DS Friend Code: 1123-6536-5321 | Nintendo Network ID: pixelpowa | Twitter: thatpixelguy

AuthorMessage
Avatar

WanderFan91

16. Posted:

...or fact? Probably the former.

AKA StarBoy91
Wanderloggery | StarBlog
Check out my Personal Super Famicom Recommendations
Massive retro gamer with a heart <3
Big Wander Over Yonder fan
23 and proud =)
To each their own

AuthorMessage
Avatar

James

17. Posted:

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

I am not ignoring you. I just do not post much.

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Terra

18. Posted:

Prosody wrote:

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

That would be so awesome

Terra

3DS Friend Code: 3480-2530-5557 | Twitter: HDStockdale

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Twilight_Crow

19. Posted:

LOL :D
CB you are a genius!, please keep writing stuff like this.

Prosody wrote:

Chicken - want to make this a regular series on the podcast? You know you do!

YES PLEASE! ;)

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle
Our little MLP fanfic on EQD:The Perfect Night Sky
More pony stuff on my FimFiction.net userpage.
My Luna toy's ask tumblr!
My incomplete Backloggery!

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

AuthorMessage
Avatar

Starkiller

20. Posted:

Chicken, you really are a great writer.

Wii: 6384-4454-1095-5243 Mario Kart Wii: 2492-4524-4329 ([NL] Matt) Brawl: 0087-2097-5918
Excitebike - World Rally: 2966 0011 1622 (Matt) Bomberman Blitz: 3738-9648-1518 Dragon Quest Wars: 1634-4322-3201