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Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

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Twilight_Crow

Hellooooooooooo Bronieeeeeeeeees!
Hope everypony had a wonderful week. I'm having a relativlely calm weekend, so I'm going to read some fics now. I guess I'll start with ZeroX's and Buob's, since I promised to read them a while ago .

yay Twilight episode, this was so AMAZING! for me. I don't care what other say, an episode where Twi gets fisically and/or psycologically hurt is a great episode in my book (Especially if Twi ends up dressing like Solid Snake ) and time travel is always fun, if predictable by now. The music was great also. Pinkie Pie keeps random stuff around just in case of emergency... I kinda do that lol.

Hope @Buob and @Wildvine53 had a wonderful B-day!
@Aqueous We all have stuff like college, and studies or work comes first. I hope to see you around during weekends.
I can't wait for the spring break so I can play Pony races with you guys. Maybe play some Pony battles since I'm getting KI:Uprising.
A fight for the 7000 coment? jeez how silly , and Revolver got mad . Hope he calms down I comes back when he is ready.

Not been reading much , but here is one little story for you to enjoy:
== Fic of the Week: ==
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14253/I-Might-Have-Been
Sappy, yep, but beautiful. Cry bronies, cry.

And great content to check out as usual, thanks.

Edited on by Twilight_Crow

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

Aqueous

@Twilight_Crow - Revolver wants to email you.
You will, my weekends will still be quite relaxed compared to week days

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Twilight_Crow

@Aqueous Oh. Ok, he can email me whenever he wants.
Good thing I'll still be seeing you around.

l'm sad I haven't have time to write anything on my story btw, but forcing it will just make me write bad stuff. But still, I just wanted to mention I'm not abandoning it, I'm just stressed and busy.

Edited on by Twilight_Crow

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

Aqueous

@Twilight_Crow - I think we are all busy now, take your time. I should not be leaving at anytime
Oh, guess he has emailed you

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Aqueous

KI:U, most of us are getting it, so large community play.

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EvilRegal

Well, that feathering sucked. I think talking about Internet/router trouble with @Jarvan cursed me or something. After that disconnect mid-race, I think I returned to Bronies Unite once, left because nopony was there, then when I tried to return I couldn't make a connection. And not just with PK7 online. I tried to come here and tell everypony what was going on, and I couldn't even connect to webpages! The problem continued and I finally just gave up because I had yard work I needed to do. Even when I finished and came back, I couldn't access anything with internet (even though my modem showed a connection this whole time). It finally started working after disconnecting and reconnecting my router. And I guess everypony else had no problem getting back, and I missed out. Using storm cloud for a trampoline I just don't know what went wrong!
Untitled
Anyway... try again next Saturday, same pony time, same pony channel?

By the way, WHERE WAS DERPY TODAY??? I'm already going through Derpy withdrawal. I want mai Derpy Hooves.

Edited on by EvilRegal

Let's attack aggressively, kupo! :D

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Twilight_Crow

@ZeroX I see. Ok, well good luck with those projects.
About your pony fic, my honest opinion is that your first try was better.

Now, trying to be an objective critic, I think you used too much tell too little show again. The only part you showed us was the beutiful description of the scenery, the rest was just telling everything that happened. You didn´t even gave us a piece of the conversations until the end, and that one was terribly one sided.

I must point out how much you made Horus a Mary Sue. You said you wanted to give him more personality, but all you did is repeat how awesome he is, how sad we must feel for him, and how much everypony love him, over and over, it got tiring. It felt as if you were forcing the reader to like him. That was just wrong and this is not only my opinion:

EQD The Editor’s Omnibus wrote:

Common signs of a Sue/Stu:

Celebrity Status:

It’s often very tempting to create an OC with whom everypony immediately becomes very special best friends—or in some cases, is already friends or even family with before the story even begins.

This is understandable and a common fantasy most everyone shares; it is also entirely unrealistic and makes for a very bland character. Conflict can only occur when two characters aren’t on the best of terms, and quite often it’s only interesting when it’s not always clear who’s right and who’s wrong. If your OC enters Ponyville and is immediately loved by everypony he or she meets, you’ve got a problem.

You don’t have to make your character a total flankhole—in fact, everyone immediately hating your character doesn’t bode well either—but try to, at the very least, make them work for the affections of their peers. Don’t just say that Applejack trusts Sparklight Twixle implicitly the moment they first meet; have Sparky help AJ out on the farm for a day or two out of good neighborly spirit, and see if the two of them don’t hit it off after that. A character who clashes with other characters has a personality, and a character with a personality is exactly what you want to have.

I'm just being honest and objective here, It is nothing personal. Hope this helps you improve in general.

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

Tare

ZeroX wrote:

@Twilight_crow What you're basically telling me is that I should made my character "speak for himself"?

You shouldn't tell the reader how to feel for the character, the reader comes to that conclusion on their own.

Thaaaaaanks for noticin' me.

Twilight_Crow

@ZeroX Yeah. Don't tell us, he is great, show us. He comes into town, he sees someone in need of help, maybe Applejack carring a big basket of apples and tripping, then he goes and helps her, thus we get to know he is a nice guy. Then he chats with her, at first he is shy, but AJ is a trustable pony so she tells her part of his story, but not as a crying mess but as a brave pony that faced too much, he doesn't need to tell all the details either, now we know he has suffered. AJ asks him if he wants some apples, he says he has no money, she tells him is free, he refuses, BAM he's honorable. Built the character through actions not words.

And "The mares all around eyed his flank enviously, for they fell in love with this foreign stranger." "even the mayor herself came to see this alicorn. She ordered Pinkie to prepare the greatest party ever" "Even the Wonderbolts heard of this mysterious alicorn." no, just no. That makes no sence. It sounds too magical and perfect.

Edited on by Twilight_Crow

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

GuardianKing

Basically, I can't **just** say a character is, example, arrogant, I also have to demonstrate it, such the character perhaps mocking others for their failures and embarrassing them publicly when they "fail".

Wall of text incoming.

(Example: Baron Lionheart (character from my project) was an arrogant man. He would seize every possible opportunity to make himself look superior in almost every way. Last week, in the city arcade, there were a bunch of kids touting to their friends about how good they were at this one game. That's when Baron stepped in. He taunted the child, asking him what made him so great. The kid blushed. A grown man was asking him about a videogame. Finally, he told him he could beat the last level in a record time. Baron snickered. He rolled over the sleeves of his tailcoat and dragged the kid over the game in question. His friends, not far behind, were terrified. Baron sat him down before one machine and linked another to it. In the end, the man was able to defeat the kid's record time. Not only that, but he had also gathered every item and was given the 100% completion title. The kids cried, while Baron boasted his skills before them, nagging the one child about his defeat. Little did they know, he had created the game, and he brought his special "dev key", allowing him to tamper with the levels at will. Baron grew tired of their whining, so he kicked his opponent, the oldest of his friends, in the stomach. He shoved the others aside, and with a smirk on his face, he said they would never aspire at anything. "If you can't beat everyone, then you have no rights to say you're the best".)

Understand this also; Horus was a character made up on the spot. This Baron person from my project was planned out for years. THe sample is also semi-improvised, but I have not worked on Horus for that long.

Edited on by GuardianKing

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Aqueous

I hope that was just a quick write up and not an actual piece it is flawed and doesn't do much for what actually happened and is badly flawed

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Twilight_Crow

Precisely. That example paragraph is better. You said your character is arrogant but, notice that all he did also showed us he is mean, a cheater, a jerk and a bully, you didn´t say that but we know. The story lays in what you don't tell the reader, but is there.

Edited on by Twilight_Crow

"And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, Shall be lifted nevermore!"

"I'll just have to STOP. TIME!" - Twilight Sparkle

Nintendo Network ID: Twilight_Crow

Tare

ZeroX wrote:

Basically, I can't **just** say a character is, example, arrogant, I also have to demonstrate it, such the character perhaps mocking others for their failures and embarrassing them publicly when they "fail".

Wall of text incoming.

(Example: Baron Lionheart (character from my project) was an arrogant man. He would seize every possible opportunity to make himself look superior in almost every way. Last week, in the city arcade, there were a bunch of kids touting to their friends about how good they were at this one game. That's when Baron stepped in. He taunted the child, asking him what made him so great. The kid blushed. A grown man was asking him about a videogame. Finally, he told him he could beat the last level in a record time. Baron snickered. He rolled over the sleeves of his tailcoat and dragged the kid over the game in question. His friends, not far behind, were terrified. Baron sat him down before one machine and linked another to it. In the end, the man was able to defeat the kid's record time. Not only that, but he had also gathered every item and was given the 100% completion title. The kids cried, while Baron boasted his skills before them, nagging the one child about his defeat. Little did they know, he had created the game, and he brought his special "dev key", allowing him to tamper with the levels at will. Baron grew tired of their whining, so he kicked his opponent, the oldest of his friends, in the stomach. He shoved the others aside, and with a smirk on his face, he said they would never aspire at anything. "If you can't beat everyone, then you have no rights to say you're the best".)

Understand this also; Horus was a character made up on the spot. This Baron person from my project was planned out for years. THe sample is also semi-improvised, but I have not worked on Horus for that long.

Word of advice, always have an ending in mind when writing. It'll make your life a lot easier

Thaaaaaanks for noticin' me.

GuardianKing

@Aqueous That was a very quick write up. There is much more background on him in my project and he doesnt just pick on kids; he kills the client on a mission because he didn't "pay up", he uses he high position in both society and the army to take advantage of others, etc. But because I'll have more space, I can elaborate on him, his problems and how he evolves. At first, he only shows some degree of humanity towards his friends, Damian (main character) and Blake. I want to make him evolve into a brave, caring and compassionate character.

Do tell why it's flawed though.

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Aqueous

Couple gramical errors, some of it is confusing. Or at least a part is, do you want it?

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