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Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Posts 13,381 to 13,400 of 14,348

sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: Hmm... I kinda see what you mean... one line that has bothered me most (and yet I have no idea how to improve it) is this one:
"Everypony lived in peace and tranquility."
It's too... "snappy". It doesn't quite flow into the next sentence the way I want...

And you say I "jam repetition" into it - what exactly do you mean? As far as I can tell I'm not repeating myself... o.o

Also, thank you for the support! I'm really enjoying myself, if you couldn't already tell~

Edited on by sugarpixel

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GuardianKing

@Gioku Argh, I cant find it anymore... Maybe it was just me... As for that particular line, I think you can make the whole beginning better by injecting more flow and flair, a bit like this:

Gioku wrote:

Ponyville was a relatively quiet town: a simple shrub grown from a very humble seed, a tiny tree lost in the vastness and grandeur of Equestria and its infinite beauty. Perhaps it was thanks to this loneliness that everypony there lived in peace and tranquility, away from the brouhaha polluting the big cities. There, the sky was always bright and clear, even though the pegasi city of Cloudsdale hung above their heads, and the grass was always emerald green - it was as peaceful and easygoing of a a town as you could imagine.

Edited on by GuardianKing

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sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: That sounds pretty good! ...I'll probably just take that and fiddle around with it if you don't mind.
Since I'm a Filmmaker by nature, I tend to describe things like you would a set - you tell it like it is, basically. It has corrupted my proficient use of similes/metaphors, I think.

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GuardianKing

@Gioku That's why I can't do dialogue that well; I'm too theatrical of a person to describe things plainly, which can be a bad thing if the flair becomes too much and distracts the reader from the meat of the scene.

Oh yeah, sure! I don't mind you fiddling around with it. Anything else you want me to help you edit?

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sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: Basically, my scriptwriting teacher (who is also my film/animation teacher) said that some people have a good ear for dialogue... and some people don't, and you really can't teach it. So I was lucky and have a good ear for dialogue, at least I have that!

And, that's really it at the moment, i'll be sure to let you know when I've written more! ...chances are you'll have something else to help me out with.

But anyway, I'm so glad I've got some people to help me out with this! It makes it all the more easy and enjoyable the experience. So thanks! (and maybe I'll get some more interested folks later, too!)

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sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: OK well nevermind, I have a new problem after all, haha.
So, in The Hobbit, Bilbo basically kicks Gandalf out of his house. Now, although Fluttershy fills Bilbo's role very well (and she'll fit it even better later as I steer her in the proper direction), she's still a very different character and is going to require changing or "going the long way around" certain plot-points. The first of which being right at the beginning of the story, when Gandalf visits her. I don't see Fluttershy as the kind of character who'd get fed up with/kick someone out of her house... so how can I make the visit work? I'm thinking that Gandalf (or Gandhoof, as he's called in my story ) should maybe just leave of his own accord (maybe because it's getting late and he has to be somewhere).

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GuardianKing

@Gioku Actually, don't follow the Hobbit's plot to a tee, since you are dealing with different characters. The best kind of crossover fics are the ones that change everything around according to the character's personalities and such. Just have Fluttershy try to refuse, but Gandalf either genuinely not hearing him or him saying its nonsense and have her come anyway. I think the perfect setup is like the episode Dragonshy (S1E7)

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sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: Well you see, with the first visit (just Gandalf), he doesn't mention anything about the quest... it was just a ploy so he could leave the mark on the door. So I want to get this scene over with because I'm really excited to have the dwarves donkeys barge into her house... that scene will work so perfectly! I can see it now: they're all just boisterously going about their business, getting into her cupboards and whatnot, as she futilely attempts to get them to stop... it's gonna be so much fun!

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sugarpixel

@GuardianKing: OK I'll try to remember to read that one, too, 'cause I have to leave now...

...and I'm laughing to myself just thinking about how cool this story's gonna be... Fluttershy's gonna be a burglar, haha!

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Lunapplebloom

And I'm really late with this last episode to say what I think. I thought it was a good episode. Nothing overly spectacular, but good. My thoughts are in line with @Twilight_Crow for the most part, though the song didn't exactly grab me as one of MLP:FiM best, it was still a good number.
Oh, and I hate Diamond Tiara more now since watching this episode.

@Aqueous No problem, though I have yet to take it on a test run yet, I'll get to it soon.

@Twilight_Crow I actually never saw that picture. It must have slipped through my scope, but it's awesome though in anycase. If this was a game, it would be the first Castlvania style game I'd have played. But another good looking fic. I would say that I think I know who those 2 beings that want the gems are, but I'll leave it to just being thoughts for now. Definitely interested in it.

@TwilightPoint I enjoy the shameless self promotion. If you finish it with colors and such, please do share.

@Morpheel good theory, though I doubt it will come to that. But you never know....

@Gioku I think you got off on a good start, and congrats on trying to make this story happen. I also wanted to try my hand at an original story set in the Equestria universe in vein with the show, but I have yet to have the time to get to work on it. As for the Gandalf character getting kicked out, I'd say to remember you have other things to use instead of just Fluttershy to your advantage for the script. I for one am thinking of a particular white pet rabbit by the name of Angel. He's always more of an impatient and downright rude at times, but can also act as Fluttershy's backbone as well. And it wouldn't be out of character for him to do something to make Gandalf go away. Just a thought...

@GuardianKing I can tell that your story telling has definitely gotten better with the practice. You still have a tendency to over explain things a little bit in my eyes, but you're frfinitely on the right track.

And a Happy Birthday to @ToastyYogurt! I hope your day was merry and bright.
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Edited on by Lunapplebloom

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CorporalPegasus

Happy birthday Toasty!
Might your day be filled with cake and ponies!
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@Gioku Ahh, good luck, i like your fanfic idea. The choices you made make sense, Diamond Dogs are lot like goblins. Cant really give you much other advice though, the only thing i wrote was a trollfic two years back, i'm not much of a good writer.

IGOR!

Twilight_Crow

@ToastyYogurt Ah just in time.... Happy Birthday! HUGS...

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@Gioku Good luck with that Fanfiction. If you are studying screenplay, it makes a lot of sense that your writing is more to the point, you need to make it more colorful for a novel. if there is any advice I can give is this: Show don't Tell that is the rule of the game man. Do not tell us how happy Fluttershy lived in Ponyville, write a little scene that shows how happy and quiet Ponyville is. For example, well Tolkien took tree and a half pages describing and showing the life of a hobbit on Hobbiton before introducing Gandalf... and that was short for him. Have a link to EQD's guide for pony Fanfiction, just in case you are interested. But yeah, don't worry I'm sure you will learn while writing.

@GuardianKing I agree with Lunapplebloom, you really have improved.

Edited on by Twilight_Crow

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sugarpixel

@Twilight_Crow: I have read the Hobbit, so I know how long Tolkien takes describing stuff, haha. I'm hoping to keep this much shorter.

Anyway, the story is now too long to post directly on here, so... have a link!
Let me know what you guys think so far!

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Aqueous

@Gioku - Best of luck, it sounds like you have a bunch of clever ideas and a good plan to go off of. I took a read and it is a nice start.
The line suggested by GK needs some work. Not quite sure what but it feels off and I can't quite put a hoof on it. Seems to loop in on its self and feels out of touch with the rest of the writing.

@GuardianKing - No, sorry not reading it

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