Topic: Cohabitation

As a few of you know through other channels, I'll be moving in with my girlfriend at the end of the month. On the NL side of things, that probably means I'll take hiatus from reviewing for a short while as things get settled. (Cue the rejoicing of mediocre WiiWare publishers everywhere.)

But that's not why I'm posting this. I'm posting this because, well...I've never done this before. I've lived with roommates, but never a girlfriend. It's going to be much different, I'm sure, and now that I'm so close, many of my friends who either live with their significant others (or who have in the past) have started sharing with me some of the issues and conflicts they had when they first moved in together.

And a lot of it is pretty fascinating. Which is why I'm posting here. Nobody should feel obligated to share anything, of course, but if anybody is inclined to share their experiences with cohabitation, I'd be very curious to hear about them. What kind of things did you have to change in your behavior? Habits? Hobbies? What about the other party? How difficult was it to adjust, or did you not have to adjust at all?

I'm not seeking advice (though, of course, feel free to offer it if you feel you have any), but I'm interested in just how the experience has gone for people.

For my girlfriend (now the wife) and I, it went very smoothly. I guess it depends how long you have know each other and such. For the wife and myself we knew each other for 5 years and dated for 3 before we moved in together. As far as habits and such I guess some changed not sure which ones if any but she will let you know. Basic thing is there is going to be compromises on both parts.

Bottom line it just depends on the people and how long you have known each other of course like roommates you never know someone really untill you lived with them.

My husband and I met on the internet. we meshed great over IM and on LJ and stuff, but in person... i'm not gonna lie — it was absolute hell for the first three and a half years or so. that man can make any room into a man-cave in less than a minute, complete with dirty dishes on the table and underwear on the floor. we had our good times, but most of it sucked quite royally because neither of us had ever lived on our own before and he was out of work once or twice during that stretch. we had a lot of growing up to do, lol — getting used to constantly having someone around to talk to (and get annoyed at) takes a while.

some advice for you (from personal experience):

• lock down your computer. when you're not there, the system needs to be locked so that she can't get into it, and even after locking your system, never save any passwords for auto-fill in firefox or anything like that. if things start to go bad between you, or if she winds up insecure about something, you don't want her to have access to your stuff — and vice versa, of course :3
• it's okay to be wrong. being right all the time may be fun when it happens, but it's lonely afterward if the other party decides to get passive-aggressive about it.
• speaking of which, passive-aggressive does not work when you're living together. both of you have to make a conscious effort to steer clear of that trap... it's so easy to go 'oh, well i won't do this for them if they're not gonna do that for me', but that sh*t only makes things worse.
• respect each other's stuff. remind her not to leave your razor in the shower after shaving her legs with it, sure, but don't expect her to sit back and let you use her comb or brush if you're not going to clean it out afterward, y'know?
• talk to each other. if you've got a problem, let her know. bottling it up and hoping it'll fix itself doesn't get anything done.

also, perhaps a more random tip we learned during our first year of living together — don't ever put dryer sheets and bread into the same bag at the store. the smell seeps into the bread itself, right through all the packaging... worst. sandwich. ever.

Lol I am glad to see I am not the only one that happened too.

@Tasuki: haha no way! i swear to god i could not figure out why our bread tasted so bad/why it smelled so familiar, but finally we remembered that the lady at the store had tossed them both into the same bag... i was angry because at the time we really couldn't afford to be wasting food like that, but now it's pretty hilarious :3

I gotta say TBD offered up some pretty great advice on this topic.

Just make sure you have a say in the decorating. I learned that the hard way a few years back. I went from a slightly barren house to one swathed in pink curtains with dolls sitting on every available surface. I think you can imagine what poker night with the guys was like.

Yep I wish I could blame the bagger but we went shopping at one of those stores that you bag your own groceries and I threw the dryer sheets in with the bread thinking that it will be fine. Well the next morning the wife went to make some toast with her eggs and got a wonderful surprise Cotton Breeze (or whatever the fragrance was) bread.

My vote for best computer security is still to DESTROY THE KEYBOARD. And buy a new one every day on the way home.

On a serious note though, I wouldn't be too overzelous on the computer protection. Not saving online passwords, fine, but if the thing's completely inaccessible when you're not around and/or has a remarkably empty browsing history, that's probably going to raise some rather awkward conversation. And in that conversation, "looking at porn" somehow manages to be the better answer, compared with "thought you might go mental with my accounts if we split up"

Naturally, Mr Still Single here can't add much else in the way of advice, asides seconding everything tbd said. And find the right balance between showing you love them and giving them their space, it's different when you're living together to when you're dating. I've known a few people move in with their partners and promptly feel like they've gained a second omnipresent shadow... they generally didn't stay together too long unless the shadow quickly learnt to back off a little. Don't leave the vase in the window empty or full of considerably dead plant, but don't turn the house into the neighbourhood florist either, y'know?

And lol at what The Fox said. Definately decide which of the two has the best taste in interior decor before starting that

_{Oh yeah, and never, ever trust the internet to give you relationship advice.}

@Raylax: I speak from experience — my husband still doesn't know exactly how easy it was for me to get into his stuff and look at his saved IMs, locked journal posts, read e-mails, etc. and so forth because he did not password-lock anything and/or i knew his password(s). it's not something i'm terribly proud of, and i got lucky because he never quite figured it out... those times are long-since over for us, but CB's heading right into that part of his own relationship. seriously, if you choose not to lock up your stuff, don't be surprised when someone takes advantage, loved one or no.

also, i said nothing about clearing your cache, lol — if we couldn't handle each other's - ahem - tastes, we wouldn't be together now, plain and simple. i'm not dumb enough to think that goes for everyone, though — ymmv :3

lol, at first I thought TBD's advice about locking and cleaning your computer was first about bank accounts or something but now the truth comes out, girls can't help trying to find out what you've been up to. pr0n issues are hilarious, I love the Family Guy where Peter has to go into his giant, secret, underground vault.

PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF

In every way shape and form. Don't leave your shoes in front of the door. Don't leave your clothes whereever you took them off. Don't leave dishes in random insane places. Just keep everything in its appropriate spot.

Do that and she will be happy. When she is happy, you are happy.

_{oh.......and snuggle.}

I had a pretty easy time of it when I moved in with my wife. Then again we both ended up having similar approaches to most things when it comes to the house.

I don't really have any advice. Other than the obvious (clean up after yourself, split chores as close to 50/ 50 as possible) I dont think moving in is a big deal... It's just a natural progression for the relationship.

If you can, cook. If you can't, learn to. Nothing goes down better than that, in my experience.

lol I guess you missed all those nudie pics she put up that one time she got a little tipsy.
_{I had to...}
Anyway, I am sort of in that stage right now, but it won`t be this year since we have run into some bad money issues and plenty of other things. Been pretty strained lately. I am curious to hear of other people's situations; the good and the bad.

Make sure you have tons of naughty posters of Tingle when she gets mean and snappy. That will calm her right down and turn the night of "why did you leave your f**kin pants in the toilet?" to a night of smexi good times _{ofc I speak from experience}

If you got stuff that you wish for your significant other not to see, clear up that history!

TBD nailed all that I was thinking about anyways.

Thanks guys for the advice. It all seems pretty sound, and though I'm looking forward to this, I'm also a bit nervous as this is by far the most serious I've ever been about a relationship.

We've known each other for seven years, so, fortunately, we have a pretty good idea of what to expect of each other by now...but I'm aware that living together is very different from...well, anything else, really. Eek. Should be fun and all, but darned if I'm not nervous.

Have a very frank talk about how financials are going to be spilt. Money is the number 1 cause of divorce, and it's really important you are both on the same page about things, so neither of you feels like you're contributing more than the other and start getting resentful. You should know what your partner is making and what other expenses they have (ex. student loan payments). They should also be aware of what all the household expenses are. If one of you is charging the other rent, they should know what the total rent is, for example. Discuss finances regularly too. If one of you gets a raise, looses a job, etc. of course finances need to be discussed and you may need to adjust things, but don't be afraid to talk about it regularly too to make sure both parties think things are fair.

The other thing would be to split financials as much as possible. If one of you is not on the lease, for example, it's a lot easier to break up. You know who is going to move out. I know a lot of people who have had an awkward few months living together broken up in a one bedroom apartment, because they couldn't afford to break the lease. The other person can handle other expenses and/or pay the person on the lease rent.

Other than that, figure out what chores you each mind doing least and figure out ways to split those up. And make sure you're ok with each other farting. It's both of your home now, you should both feel at home.

hahaha this for srs. if you can't even do that, don't even bother thinking about an eventual marriage.

Neither of us fart. The dog does, though.

Blame everything on the dog. Farting, leaving the seat up, leaving laundry around the place, using the internet after midnight. A flawless plan if ever there was one.